sad episode
I have been crying every night for how many days now. I’ve lost a lot of weight, my eyebags are growing grandchildren, and I’d blend in perfectly with a bunch of zombies anytime. Problems left and right. Financially. Psychologically. Emotionally. Sana isa isa lang kasi mahina kalaban. I used to say before that life is tough but I’m tougher. I’m still trying (struggling) to live up to that fervor. But it was so much easier before. Everything’s so much easier before. Independence is an all-good thing was what I thought (is there such a thing anyway?). I guess it just gets really hard when you actually know - and feel - that no one else is and will be there for you but yourself. There’s a lack of care and security in my emotional appetite. At least in this make-believe world of mine. Struggling to be financially independent is causing me a lot of stress. And I never get stressed, not even when my power-tripper professor gives last minute difficult papers. But now I can’t sleep properly because of stress. I feel so inadequate. I am - and I bet my ass even the people around me are - sick and tired of me asking favors. I don’t like owing people. I don’t want people seeing me as a burden. Well, don’t we all? But sometimes, you have to do things by yourself, and you can’t do it alone. I’m starting to see that I really am a pushover at times. A lot of times, actually. I’m frank - but I just cannot find it in me to say so if things aren’t okay - except in this aspect. I just (instinctively) nod and say “okay” even if it’s not okay. I don’t pretend, but that’s how it always turns out. I do not understand why. Then I keep it all to myself, because after all, who’s there to tell these things to? Then I get so annoyed at myself, and at things, and then I just end up crying. Unintentional self-inflicted pain? Maybe. Suddenly, assertiveness is really becoming an issue. I still have that problem. I’ve never had so many issues in my twenty-one years of existence. Just going back home would be the easy way out. Hah, what a quick solution. But I want to be able to prove to myself, and to other people that I can do it, even if it’s not entirely wrong to say that I’m biting off more than I can chew. Pragmatism is slowly eating me away, but I’m fighting it because idealism is one thing that I can’t ever lose. There is a trade off, methinks. But I want to be able to find the right balance. I miss my mom, my lola and yayay (yea I do) and perhaps the quintessence of them - people who will unconditionally love, take care, be there, and take a bullet for me any goddam given day. People who will always go out of their way, just because. I miss talking and spending time with friends. Lately, I have always been missing in action. But I admit that it’s partly by choice, because nowadays I’m not so good at wearing masks anymore.