(no subject)
i feel like everyone i've met wants me to make them happy. they see me smile all the time or they hear me laugh at everything and think that i'm some girl who's got her shit together.
i don't. not even remotely close to it either.
i wish that i could be that positive force in everyone's life that they are trying to cling on to so much. i wish that my smiles could rub off on everyone else and make things better. but it's not gonna happen. it's all a front.
i've had too many people to count hang on to me simply because i laugh a little too often. i know that doesn't make any sense, but it's like they feel that my "happiness" can somehow make them hurt a little less.
news flash: i'm not any happier than anyone else. most likely, i'm more fucked up than a lot of the people who want me to kiss it and make it better.
it hurts more than anyone can possibly know that by trying to decieve myself into believing everything was cool, that i decieved others and shit happened. the reason i talk so much is because i don't want it to be quiet long enough for me to think. the reason i can't stand being alone isn't because i'm a people person, it's because i'm afraid of what goes through my head when i'm by myself. i don't like to sleep because when i wake up, i realize that a lot of the things i've avoided aren't dreams and that they are my reality.
i wish that the hugs i gave or the hugs i received had more of an effect than they did. i wish that i could make everyone's pain disappear, including my own, by telling them i cared about them. letters sent through the mail are nothing but words on paper.
i don't. not even remotely close to it either.
i wish that i could be that positive force in everyone's life that they are trying to cling on to so much. i wish that my smiles could rub off on everyone else and make things better. but it's not gonna happen. it's all a front.
i've had too many people to count hang on to me simply because i laugh a little too often. i know that doesn't make any sense, but it's like they feel that my "happiness" can somehow make them hurt a little less.
news flash: i'm not any happier than anyone else. most likely, i'm more fucked up than a lot of the people who want me to kiss it and make it better.
it hurts more than anyone can possibly know that by trying to decieve myself into believing everything was cool, that i decieved others and shit happened. the reason i talk so much is because i don't want it to be quiet long enough for me to think. the reason i can't stand being alone isn't because i'm a people person, it's because i'm afraid of what goes through my head when i'm by myself. i don't like to sleep because when i wake up, i realize that a lot of the things i've avoided aren't dreams and that they are my reality.
i wish that the hugs i gave or the hugs i received had more of an effect than they did. i wish that i could make everyone's pain disappear, including my own, by telling them i cared about them. letters sent through the mail are nothing but words on paper.