I've got no problem at all with your River muse, man -- in fact, I really do admire you for picking up such a tough character. But while your first-person writing for her is shiny so far, there's an aspect of your third-person writing I wanted to touch on. Nothing too major, just something to keep in mind.
Well... I think you might need to watch out for purple prose. Your sentences tend to run on about twice as long as they should, and after a point, the reader's eye/mind/whatever starts to wander and it just becomes confusing. For example,
River is slowly treading along a snowbank just inside the village, feet seeming to glide across the snow as her jewel toned skirt flits about her in wraith-like tendrils every time a breeze passes her
After about feet seeming to glide across the snow, it gets hard to keep up. The more inconsequential details -- jewel-toned skirt and wraith-like tendrils probably shouldn't be included, or should be part of their own sentence. Try something like this:
River treads slowly along a snowbank just inside the village, feet seeming to glide across the snow. A breeze passes, stirring up her jewel-toned skirt; the wraith-like tendrils flit about her legs.
Well, not a great rephrasing, but still much more pleasing to the eye. Even She takes a step off the pile of snow and drops down slightly onto the more used ground, she walks slowly into the center of town and breathes out once slowly could be easily broken into two sentences, just by changing the comma to a period. Maybe try reading your writing aloud, pausing only at commas or periods -- it might give you a good idea of how long is too long.
Thanks I guess, it's weird getting grammatical sentence structure advice from anon's on LJ, but thanks xD
It's a constant struggle with my longer writing, I try and avoid long third person logs as is. I do my best, and I'll take it into account if you felt the need to notify me.
"Also, holy crap that was a really long post about something fairly trivial."
I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific if you want an actual response. Also, this post is specifically for things you want answered, or concerns you might have, as your statement is more an opinion about what you deem relevant and irrelevant... It's not really appropriate to put here.
If you can clarify your thoughts into more constructive criticism, I would appreciate it. If not, please don't complain about what you think is 'trivial' about my character until you can give me useful suggestions or thoughts about the subject you're complaining about.
Well... I think you might need to watch out for purple prose. Your sentences tend to run on about twice as long as they should, and after a point, the reader's eye/mind/whatever starts to wander and it just becomes confusing. For example,
River is slowly treading along a snowbank just inside the village, feet seeming to glide across the snow as her jewel toned skirt flits about her in wraith-like tendrils every time a breeze passes her
After about feet seeming to glide across the snow, it gets hard to keep up. The more inconsequential details -- jewel-toned skirt and wraith-like tendrils probably shouldn't be included, or should be part of their own sentence. Try something like this:
River treads slowly along a snowbank just inside the village, feet seeming to glide across the snow. A breeze passes, stirring up her jewel-toned skirt; the wraith-like tendrils flit about her legs.
Well, not a great rephrasing, but still much more pleasing to the eye. Even She takes a step off the pile of snow and drops down slightly onto the more used ground, she walks slowly into the center of town and breathes out once slowly could be easily broken into two sentences, just by changing the comma to a period. Maybe try reading your writing aloud, pausing only at commas or periods -- it might give you a good idea of how long is too long.
...er, yeah. Other than that, keep it up! \o/
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It's a constant struggle with my longer writing, I try and avoid long third person logs as is. I do my best, and I'll take it into account if you felt the need to notify me.
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I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific if you want an actual response. Also, this post is specifically for things you want answered, or concerns you might have, as your statement is more an opinion about what you deem relevant and irrelevant... It's not really appropriate to put here.
If you can clarify your thoughts into more constructive criticism, I would appreciate it. If not, please don't complain about what you think is 'trivial' about my character until you can give me useful suggestions or thoughts about the subject you're complaining about.
Reply
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