(no subject)
Argh I'm like depressed.
If you're one of those people that keep telling me to stop complaining, dont read anymore.
My mom announced to me over the weekend that her and my father were might be getting a divorce. That was the last thing I expected. I thought everything was going so well with them, and that she'd never do anything like that again after the whole thing she did Tony and the mistakes she made then. Apparently though, according to her, things were different then; she wasn't pissed at him. I guess the reason she's pissed though is because she's not happy with him anymore because he's not really giving her anything to work with. Like he goes to work and stuff, and that's all he does. I guess my mom wants more than that, but you can't really ask for more out of him, because he's already giving him his all. She jokingly said that she's "going to get a cowboy that comes with a ranch and everything" and I see both sides of this, and I feel like I have to pick one. =/
And on top of that. Chris is swearing up and down that he's going to be here for me er whatever.
And what does he tell me?
He's got a job interview Thursday after school.
And he ditched me countless times today in school. Whatever.
Maybe that's the bad thing about dating something incredibly older than you, they're more mature and pretty much done being a kid and need to grow up and make something out of themselves. But not me, I'm still learning my ways of life, what I want to be and the person I need to be for myself.
Anyway, I need to vent. I feel like everything that's going on with my parents is my fault and that I could've helped in some way or another...But everyone says not to worry about it, that it wasn't my fault. So then I got the bright idea to keep everything bottled up. That was about like, 3 days ago...and it's already starting to fall apart. I feel like crap, and about every single second of the day I feel like crying...Which is really saying something considering I never ever cry for no reason. And when I do, it takes a lot for me to cry. But I'm sick of everyone saying "Sara, you complain too much" and "Sara, suck it up" so why not just do it.
And it makes a lot of sense, because a lot of people have it worse off than me. Like my parents aren't fighting, they're not screaming at each other at the top of their lungs...They just sit in silence mostly. That weird silence though, where you know something is up but dont want to bring it up to avoid making everything more uncomfortable.
And everything with Chris. I have no idea what's going on. I hate the feeling that we're going to break up soon, and that it'll be all my fault. I hate fighting and arguing over stuff that always turns around on me no matter whose fault it was to begin with. I just want to relax, and figure out what's going on with my life, and keep what I have going with Chris and all my other friends. I mean, I'm pushing people away, I'm not going to lie I am, but sometimes I wish I could just get over myself and let them help.
But could they?
Bottom line: My life needs to be sorted out. I don't feel wanted or needed by anyone. I feel like I'm in the middle of EVERY SINGLE bad thing that happens right about now. I don't feel loved, just kinda pushed around. I miss my parents being happy together. I just miss things.