(Untitled)

[mynocturne]

I wrote this new song today.... you can guess who it's about. and I wrote a melody for it and recorded myself singing on it using my phone so that I wouldn't forget it! Yay what a great idea :)

here's the lyrics though:

Yesterday's News

I am sitting here
Barely awake, barely asleep
I am in between
not good enough to keep

I am long gone
I can live, now that

Comments

[smilesandsheep]

Generally, I like it.

Admittedly, this could still be too freshly written for revision, but here're some thoughts:

In some places, a different word might help the rhythym; e.g. 'inefficient', perhaps something with fewer syllables? Also, I really like the more visual 'gap' in the last couple lines. More sensual imagery like that could make lyrics more vivid and arresting.

[mynocturne]

thanks!

oh you know what? I meant to use the word 'efficient', not 'inefficient'... yeah kinda confusing, but that's what I meant, haha

merci again :)

[kyraille]

I like the last couplet a lot, it ties in with the ship sailing image in the second stanza.