(no subject)
well, you know how I said I'd have good days and bad days? Well after a string of good days (a bit longer this time), saturday was a really really really bad day.
My last few posts were all very happy and uplifting, so...just give me a chance to angst a little :-\ otherwise I might do god knows what at 5:30 in the morning.
I just had several breakdowns today about seth and myself and life.
A. I just had my senior prom last night, and it was a lot of fun, but it was just one of those things that I had always imagined myself doing with him. I kind of had to step out of my comfort zone with someone else, and while I hadn't really thought of any of these things until I had a chance to be alone the next morning... well.. it all kinda hit me in the face, and I missed seth, I missed having him with me, and while we had a lot of shitty times together, I know we would have had a great time at prom.
B. I was really addicted to seth, and now I'm just kind of slumping down and going from one addiction to the next. I'm constantly trying to get drunk, as pathetic as that sounds, even though it never actually happens because I can never get my hands on anything. I'm not an alcoholic, because my body is no where near addicted to it, and I don't drink... like.. ever. But I feel like one. Last weekend I got a little tipsy but that was more of me trying to have fun and live it up. This weekend I wanted it so badly for no real reason at all... I guess I thought it would make things more fun? Or maybe I just wanted to forget? I'm not really sure.
C. So now that I obviously have a creepily addictive personality, this makes me fear for myself in future relationships, and for my well being in college. I don't want all of my relationships to just be me getting attached to a person and then fucking it all up. I mean, that's not what exactly happened with seth... I think both of us were doing that to eachother most of the time, but still.. I'm really scared for it. And also I'm afraid of just turning into a huge stupid party girl that no one has any real respect for because every time they see her on weekends she's just drunk and stupid. So people say in response to that "then don't become one"... well I have no idea how to prepare for it, honestly, because I don't know first-hand what college is like, and I don't know how well I'll be able to control it or anything. Except last night at prom, instead of going to a lesbo bar with half the group where I could have gotten drunk, I chose to stay with my date and matt instead since they didn't want to go, because I would have felt bad. So at least I have some control, right?
So yeah, I ended up sobbing myself to sleep clutching that penguin seth gave me 2 christmas's ago, and I literally slept from 2:30 pm till 5 am. So here I am now... now that everyone else is asleep :\ (or should be asleep anyway)...
Bleh. I'm just ready for college, ready to start over, even though I'm scared of certain things... At this point I'm not even all that excited about this summer anymore, although I love my friends dearly and realize that this could be my last real stretch of time with them.. it's just all this shit here in cincinnati is really hard to live with, and I'm ready to get away from it.
My last few posts were all very happy and uplifting, so...just give me a chance to angst a little :-\ otherwise I might do god knows what at 5:30 in the morning.
I just had several breakdowns today about seth and myself and life.
A. I just had my senior prom last night, and it was a lot of fun, but it was just one of those things that I had always imagined myself doing with him. I kind of had to step out of my comfort zone with someone else, and while I hadn't really thought of any of these things until I had a chance to be alone the next morning... well.. it all kinda hit me in the face, and I missed seth, I missed having him with me, and while we had a lot of shitty times together, I know we would have had a great time at prom.
B. I was really addicted to seth, and now I'm just kind of slumping down and going from one addiction to the next. I'm constantly trying to get drunk, as pathetic as that sounds, even though it never actually happens because I can never get my hands on anything. I'm not an alcoholic, because my body is no where near addicted to it, and I don't drink... like.. ever. But I feel like one. Last weekend I got a little tipsy but that was more of me trying to have fun and live it up. This weekend I wanted it so badly for no real reason at all... I guess I thought it would make things more fun? Or maybe I just wanted to forget? I'm not really sure.
C. So now that I obviously have a creepily addictive personality, this makes me fear for myself in future relationships, and for my well being in college. I don't want all of my relationships to just be me getting attached to a person and then fucking it all up. I mean, that's not what exactly happened with seth... I think both of us were doing that to eachother most of the time, but still.. I'm really scared for it. And also I'm afraid of just turning into a huge stupid party girl that no one has any real respect for because every time they see her on weekends she's just drunk and stupid. So people say in response to that "then don't become one"... well I have no idea how to prepare for it, honestly, because I don't know first-hand what college is like, and I don't know how well I'll be able to control it or anything. Except last night at prom, instead of going to a lesbo bar with half the group where I could have gotten drunk, I chose to stay with my date and matt instead since they didn't want to go, because I would have felt bad. So at least I have some control, right?
So yeah, I ended up sobbing myself to sleep clutching that penguin seth gave me 2 christmas's ago, and I literally slept from 2:30 pm till 5 am. So here I am now... now that everyone else is asleep :\ (or should be asleep anyway)...
Bleh. I'm just ready for college, ready to start over, even though I'm scared of certain things... At this point I'm not even all that excited about this summer anymore, although I love my friends dearly and realize that this could be my last real stretch of time with them.. it's just all this shit here in cincinnati is really hard to live with, and I'm ready to get away from it.