meheheh
----so I'm hungover. Last night some work ladies and I went out to Bombers and drank delicious margaritas. yesterday as a whole was kind of crazy actually. i spoke to my mom for the first time in a while.
i also had this whole fucking laundry debacle where the quarter machine was not working + i had to bring all my clothes home wet and wrinkly because none of the stores around here would give me change. and ros took a nap + fell asleep and his phone was off so all his clothes were there all wet for 2 hours while I was frantically patting down strangers for quarters. And this old Asian dude was creepy and wanted to talk to me for hours and I was wearing short shorts and it was just a mess-a frustrating mess because I had no control over everything. This also made me late in getting ready to go out with the ladies- some of whom are very temperamental and timely I suppose. We left like ten whole minutes late-dun dun dun dun. Usually I'm on time though!! blegh
But it was fun. I saw a boy I liked a lot in what seems like forever ago (actually like 2 years) and we did the same dance of avoidance/insanity- not saying hello, not making direct eye contact but knowing full well that the other person was sitting right there. So that was weird. He saw me first- I sat directly in front of him and not even a hello. Nonverbal acknowledgment I suppose.
I know that back when I was a little fresh/sophomore I liked to fuck with him- mind games, ignoring him, dancing around the fact that I liked him but was in denial because how could I like him- he eluded me and was annoying at times and too cool for school. He made me feel like I was under scrutiny, on the proverbial chopping block all the time. I didn't get him and couldn't read him (and that was sooo annoying because I love observing people and knowing all their shit-nuances etc) It was my game in reverse I suppose.I had no control- and I'm way too fixed and stubborn to not have control. So I lashed out irrationally- I was mean. It all still sort of fascinates me because there's no resolve. Things were magnetic around him somehow in fast forward. Its crazy.
And here is my horoscope: Leo: An attractive stranger will enter your life briefly, and you'll only have a moment to catch their eye.
why are horoscopes so weird? They really really are. i'm a leo but I'm certainly not in love with my reflection, or partying all the time, or super outspoken + loud. not usually anyway...I'll only have a moment to catch their eye? barf. I'll be swell without marching and banging my drum for attention from an attractive stranger thank you. they areee funny though
So I'm going to New Paltz this weekend with Erin- she says I'll love it bc its all overgrown hippies. Apparently my father went to cooking school in New Paltz in the 70's- maybe that's why he loved crack so much then. AHH it all makes sense now.
In other news my mom has sent me horrific e-mails saying criminal things. E-mail after e-mail bombarding me with "the truth" that I am the reason for all her pain, that it is alll my fault, that I am in denial, that I was abandoned by my father and now I'm the tool, the leverage to abuse her. Its kind of sickening- what kind of mother does this- berates her daughter who is just learning how to live. After 4 years away I'm moving home and I may actually go insane. I'm thinking of staying here- of never going back- of maintaining my life- freezing it now and not leaving ever.
Life truly is crap. Some days I'm convinced its wonderful and others- its complete bullshit. Some people are great at living- but me you can find me perusing the Mahogany section (aka a celebration of black culture in greeting card form aka cards with black people on them)at Hallmark because I always end up in the wrong fucking spot with no clue why or how...this is a constant. This is my resolve I suppose- that my life will always be a little off course- a little crazy.
i also had this whole fucking laundry debacle where the quarter machine was not working + i had to bring all my clothes home wet and wrinkly because none of the stores around here would give me change. and ros took a nap + fell asleep and his phone was off so all his clothes were there all wet for 2 hours while I was frantically patting down strangers for quarters. And this old Asian dude was creepy and wanted to talk to me for hours and I was wearing short shorts and it was just a mess-a frustrating mess because I had no control over everything. This also made me late in getting ready to go out with the ladies- some of whom are very temperamental and timely I suppose. We left like ten whole minutes late-dun dun dun dun. Usually I'm on time though!! blegh
But it was fun. I saw a boy I liked a lot in what seems like forever ago (actually like 2 years) and we did the same dance of avoidance/insanity- not saying hello, not making direct eye contact but knowing full well that the other person was sitting right there. So that was weird. He saw me first- I sat directly in front of him and not even a hello. Nonverbal acknowledgment I suppose.
I know that back when I was a little fresh/sophomore I liked to fuck with him- mind games, ignoring him, dancing around the fact that I liked him but was in denial because how could I like him- he eluded me and was annoying at times and too cool for school. He made me feel like I was under scrutiny, on the proverbial chopping block all the time. I didn't get him and couldn't read him (and that was sooo annoying because I love observing people and knowing all their shit-nuances etc) It was my game in reverse I suppose.I had no control- and I'm way too fixed and stubborn to not have control. So I lashed out irrationally- I was mean. It all still sort of fascinates me because there's no resolve. Things were magnetic around him somehow in fast forward. Its crazy.
And here is my horoscope: Leo: An attractive stranger will enter your life briefly, and you'll only have a moment to catch their eye.
why are horoscopes so weird? They really really are. i'm a leo but I'm certainly not in love with my reflection, or partying all the time, or super outspoken + loud. not usually anyway...I'll only have a moment to catch their eye? barf. I'll be swell without marching and banging my drum for attention from an attractive stranger thank you. they areee funny though
So I'm going to New Paltz this weekend with Erin- she says I'll love it bc its all overgrown hippies. Apparently my father went to cooking school in New Paltz in the 70's- maybe that's why he loved crack so much then. AHH it all makes sense now.
In other news my mom has sent me horrific e-mails saying criminal things. E-mail after e-mail bombarding me with "the truth" that I am the reason for all her pain, that it is alll my fault, that I am in denial, that I was abandoned by my father and now I'm the tool, the leverage to abuse her. Its kind of sickening- what kind of mother does this- berates her daughter who is just learning how to live. After 4 years away I'm moving home and I may actually go insane. I'm thinking of staying here- of never going back- of maintaining my life- freezing it now and not leaving ever.
Life truly is crap. Some days I'm convinced its wonderful and others- its complete bullshit. Some people are great at living- but me you can find me perusing the Mahogany section (aka a celebration of black culture in greeting card form aka cards with black people on them)at Hallmark because I always end up in the wrong fucking spot with no clue why or how...this is a constant. This is my resolve I suppose- that my life will always be a little off course- a little crazy.