(no subject)
i can honestly say that i've grown up so much in the last couple of months. i've realized how much you can learn by taking classes, and reading. Heck even a boring geology class indireclty affected the way i think about people and religion, along with history and poli sci, black culture (of which changed my mindset forever) ect ect..i feel like every day im becoming a more educated person. and what i realized is that its so common for people to say ehh fuck reading i hate that shittt...or reffering to others as ohh those classes are for the smart kids... heck i used to be a typical teenager like that, but now all i think about is how to better myself and become more educated, i've realized that yes, if you come to terms with your mortality you can really realize how trivial trying getting a job, having a relationship, or doing anything is, or you can see it the other way as theeres only one existance on this earth that i as a living thing can ever experience, and i am immersed in this society, therefore within that context i have all the incentive in the world to be the best, or the happiest, i can be, because i believe that believing in a higher power or an afterlife is an easy way out, and a very subjective way of thinking. its like, yes, because I exist on this earth, and my comprehension is here, this must all revolve around me, but i like to imagine zooming out of the earth into outerspace untill the earth is a dot, or even lightyears out, and one can see that were little microscopic organisms on a little rock. people have a hard time looking at reality outside the confines of their own relative space-time spectrums. i realized that nouns are definate truths, but adjectives REALLY dont exist, their all relative human made concepts for the sole purpouse of attaining comprehension of nouns. anywaysss i could go on for days. about me though, this is the first time in my life where i can say that im not so immersed in the past, wishing for the good times of being carefree, of those nights where i drank and hung out with my freinds. i've arrived to a mindset where when i look back on these i actually see them as amazing CHILDHOOD memories, and instead of wishing to be there, i just appreciate them to my fullest extent, but what im REALLY excited for is my future, my adult life, all the people im going to meet, all the things im going to learn that i dont yet know, all the amazing experiences to come, because irealize when your so nostalgic about past amazing events, you can live thru new ones but not appreciate untill their really the past, and so on. so ya, i appreciate and love what i've had, but i also love whats going on and will love everythign amazing thats going to happen. about my last post? it was my immersion and passion of the moment. but an amazing feeling has come before me. a feeling wehre i still believe she was a hellova catch and something that could have gone way better, but really, i cant regret anything, becuase this is my way of seeing the glass half full. if it all turned out allright, you have an amazing experience, if it fucks up, you have a learning experience. and im actually alot wiser than if i didnt have to go through that, im actually happy for her new relationship sincerely too, because i cant wait for my new one. some might see this mindset as "everything happens for a reason" but if you know me youll know im very much a realist, and like i said, how selfish it is for humans to beleive that everything happens for a reason. like what? a script of human life was written out for every single individual and were living it out? logically how cna there be any such thing as destiny? there isnt, it isnt destiny to meet a loved one no matter whta becaue were all animals made to reproduce, and had i grown up in a completely different enviornment and time i would meet and fall in love with someone different. its how we work. so no theres no reason for anything to happen to us, we just live our lives and cross paths with others just living their lives, action and reaction. but i will say this, i learned alot, and its not the 'reason' anything happen, its a result. so nowadays i have a much more positive outlook on life, and i cant wait to be successfull, because i've attained a mindset where i have no doubt i will be. i cant help but feel a little island of lonliness though. in my maturing and learning and experiencing, i really realized that im over "game" witih girls. hooking up randomly really really doesnt do it for me. i really want to talk on the phone every night with someone and have someone feel the same way about me that i do about them. next time around though, i will make god damned sure to not hold back compliments like i did, to go out with her more like i lacked doing before, to do little suprises like random flowers or notes which i didnt do before, and to be a real boyfriend, which, in two relationships which i consider real significant relationships in my life, i NEVER was. and what i realized is what i was doing wrong was seeing what a girl might get attracted to, like lets say, being a little cocky or an ass, or a little hard to get, but these are things that if i go out of my way to do then im just playing a game. i wnat something real, so i've learned to just be my god damned self, which is alot less outgoing and cocky and glamourous as i seem. in the end, i DO love life though, because even though i'm not cocky, im confident that i have a good personality and am relatively good looking too, so im not saying 'whyy doesnt anyyone likee mee" cuz trust me, i can easily go out with any random girl if i wanted to. but i want a god damned mind. and thats so fucking rare. the kind of mind i like, which includes smarts, personality, and much much more. so yeah, teddy of the future, as of now im going up. but i really am a god damed romantic. deep down. and really this isnt known. heck maybe if it was that would lead to something? i have ALOT ahead of me though. right now, ive established that my life, in highschool, was being played out very specifically, and right now, is like a montage in a movie, not a main scripted part in my life, if you will, but the time where the cool song plays in the backround and scene after scene of me going to cc, going on dates, rading books, moving to AZ, reading more books, and who knows what else, flashes scene after scene as progress is shown within the time of the song. once i establish the next chapter of my life, whatever it may be, whether its after graduation, establishing my career, or marrying, or w/e, will the montage end and specifically important events will occur again. VIVA!