Life Sucks!
My last day at work for the week went fairly well. But then the dreaded going home. I got a couple cute messages from K which made me smile (I really needed that!). Then my phone rings and it is my mother of course, so an hour later I finally get off the phone and all hell breaks loose. Literally the second I get off the phone, C tells me that she is not picking A up from the airport because she realized it was Black Friday and doesn't want to deal with the traffic. Maybe I overreacted, maybe not, but I of course flipped out because I'm supposed to spend the day with Suu or at the least go to what could possibly be the last Baron football game of the season at Hershey. Let's just say I got ugly...basically almost a years worth of things that have bothered me came pouring out...I guess that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Something about her not going just because she didn't want to deal with traffic, in spite of the fact that I asked her almost a week ago if she could pick A up. I don't know. Maybe coming on the tail end of talking to my mom (which is always stressful) set me off. Or maybe the fact that while I love C, she and I just don't seem to be able to get along. Whatever it was, I will admit that I said at least one thing that was awful and I wish I didn't say...actually I haven't been that angry in maybe forever. Maybe I just need to stand up for myself more often and not let things build up to where I lose my temper. And something about C just puts me on a short fuse to begin with. I can't figure out if it's her or me or both. But something was bound to give and tonight it did. Hopefully nothing that can't be repaired. I'm just so tired of feeling used and walked all over and mooched off of. I wear my heart on my sleeve and constantly get burnt. And I've tried to give people a chance to get on their feet but I just seem to get taken advantage of. Maybe I just need to stop trying to fix people lives. Though I guess I would hope that if I needed help someone would be there for me. But where do you draw the line? Well at least i'm calm now. I don't know why C infuriates me so much...all i know is that I have never gotten so angry at anyone before in my life. And not just tonight...this is constant. I hardly ever get really angry except with C. And I wanted to hit her so bad for a moment. I did grab the front of her shirt at the neck...and I've never been that way with anyone. I'm very nonviolent. But C literally pushes my anger to a breaking point i never knew existed. Frankly it's scary. She just pushes all the wrong buttons. She brings out this part of me that had to fight back against my dad and my brother when he was "sick". Maybe it's because her dad beat her, so she starts fighting and I start fighting. It's always been like that and I hate it. We just are so wrong for each other and I'm so glad it ended. I love her, but we just can't be together as anything more than friends. And as long as we're living together, I wonder if we can even be friends. I wish my relationship with her would be different--better. I just don't know what to do at this point to fix it.