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nos·tal·gia -noun 1.a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time:
sigh. I talked to alex last night. we were texting for about an hour or so... I KNOW. I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW. I was lonely :/ And we used to be so good together. such good friends. such good lovers. Used to be. he got a tattoo. and he sent me a picture... he should have just sent me over the edge right then. but no. we kept chatting. how's life? how's the family? Damnit. Damn me and my hopefullness when it comes to lovers. Holding on loosely... but still having a grasp. I really just want to sit here and curse, because I know that we shouldnt have talked. I should have left him where he was, where we were.... not talking. not on friendly terms. I have been trying to replace the happy thoughts with the thoughts that led me to leave him... they are so easy to forget. Why is that. Oh yeah. I know why. Because I'm hopeful. I don't like the fact that I feel as if I wasted time with him. Sure... I learned a lesson. Whatever lesson that may have been... I feel like I.... I don't know. I'm at a loss for words trying to explain my behavior. Love isnt pain. Ever. Is this really pain? It feels more like reluctance. Haste, even. Maybe I should allow myself to remember the great times. I haven't really done that. It was break up, get pissed, start dating again, time to move! And here I sit. We had such good times togehter. It really was perfect. The openness and acceptance that we both had for each other... I've never felt like that before. Not with anyone. I can honestly say that he knew EVERYTHING about me. EVERY. LITTLE. THING. And we still loved each other completely. Skeletons in the closet and all. Think about the one person who knows the most about you. There has to be SOMETHING you didnt tell them, because you were embarassed or felt super shitty about it... Alex knew those things. And I knew those things about him. and damnit we didnt care. We had found each other. In the sea of young people on fucking myspace looking for a fake love.... we found each other. I remember being in the apartment, listening to favorite albums on the record player before heading out for dinner or wherever we were going... just having such a great time. He always told me I was perfect. Sexy. A classic beauty. Spending time at parks and the day we went kayaking at halpatiokee. where did those pictures go?? I still have a camera with pictures of us undeveloped. The thought of going back to stuart is NOT in my mind. I am much happier here, working and hopefully starting school this fall. I know that it would be a disservice to myself if I got distracted again. It's funny. I consciously know that... but I keep falling back into the same thoughts. Comforting ones. Like waking up to a love every morning; bad breath and eye crust meant nothing. The phrase "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is a huuuuge crock of shit. At least I wouldn't know what I was missing.
