Post Stroke Depression
They never quite prepare you for this level of dark.
I've never been quiet as sad as I am right now. Know much of this is some form of a side affect of the stroke they said as my brain heals I would have pitfalls such as this. I've been slightly depressed before - be it a loss of a child, a divorce, an impending something but never have I felt like this. Trying to curve the feeling I've set a strict bedtime as I noticed I was staying up most of the night and sleeping in late, or just not sleeping at all. Before I'd get tired all the time and sleep and sleep and sleep. Then again when I was going through a loss of a child I was going through chemo, When I was abandoned on verge of divorce (granted 16 years later) I was very pregnant and on the cuff of several painful surgeries and flooded with pain meds for so long I just slept and slept and slept cause I couldn't tolerate the medications.
There were different levels. That's the point.
No regular signs just some random ones that could be accounted to other things. Right now the strange sleep pattern, the random tears, the anxiety, overwhelming anxiety, feeling like the largest loser on the face of the earth, just feeling like this was all an endless thing. My memory has been affected due to the stoke. Before all I had to do was hear or see something and it was with me forever. Now I have to repetitively see/hear and make an effort to retain. It's all new. But the downs are just so overwhelmingly deep. Like the sadness is palpable it has a life-form around me - while sounding insane it's how I describe it. Like a thick cloud enveloping my body which usually for me is waking up and reflecting on the greatness a day can bring, the hope of something new and improving and learning something that day. I love to learn.
That voice of doubt though : Not good enough, ugly, fat, lost, hopeless, loser, dead-end, no money, bank account bottomed out, what happens next voice that I do not like needs to go. The you don't shoot anymore because you never had talent. I miss my camera, my extension - but honestly I have to relearn how to use my equipment (in most ways), the stroke ate those memories.
The past week I wake dreading how my body will feel at night (I've had some severe pain since the stroke), how I will grab at words while talking to my family or Joe, how I'll forget 2020393 times something I needed to do, and how some of the simple things that are not much for anyone are over the top difficult for me. I'm the one who feels like I'm settling in my life and the only enemy is MY BODY, MYSELF, MY HEART, MY BRAIN.
I will overcome this, that happy - giggles all the damn time to the point of annoyance, waking up thinking about what can I learn today, how can I help others, how can this be the best life? She is right around the corner I just have to keep pushing even when, days like today, it's endless.
My chest feels like it's bursting open. The tears flow. Let my day improve - may the darkness lift.