(no subject)
I want to lay here and press fast forward.Go right to my future.Growing up hurts too much.Takes too long.Is all this pain really worth it in the end?I want to feel like everything is gonna be okay.But it seems something is always keeping me from having that feeling.Friends try to cheer me up.Yet no matter how hard they try,it doesn't change.I wish so many things were different.About my life,myself,others.I have problems.Problems that I don't want to solve that only I can fix.Me and my mom's relationship could be better.I know that.Ever since we moved to Princeton,and came back here,and then her moving back there again things with us haven't been the same.I hardly try for things to work.I'm still playing the "Bitchy Teenage Daugher" role.I know it's time for me to get over things with Rodney and such,and move on already,stop my bitching.But I'm just not ready to yet.I always hold on to everything and everyone too long and too tight.But you(anyone reading this I guess)just don't know how it felt sometimes.To feel unwanted,unloved,shut out.Like your own family didn't want to be around you.To be alone all the time.Even if you were around people,cause you were trying so hard to make it look like everything was alright with you.I'm seriously thinking about seeing someone for my depression.Which would mean telling mom and grandma.They always ask me "What's wrong?",but how can I tell them how it is when I can't even explain it to myself?I know I probably have no reason to hate my life....I just make big deals out of everything....I'm bitching,complaining,whatever....Making something out of nothing.Well,yeah,I'm gonna go take a nap now I guess.I have nothing else better to do.Later.