More rejuvenated fic - Fruit of the Poisonous tree
TITLE: The fruit of the poisonous tree doctrine
CHARACTERS: Archie and Horatio
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: These lads aren’t mine and they profit me not.
“You don’t have a warrant for that. Put it down now.” There was a twinkle in Horatio’s eye that gave the lie to the edge in his voice.
“I don’t think I need a warrant. I am exercising my right as one of King George’s citizens to obtain evidence that might be used in one of his courts.” Archie could not suppress a grin.
“Since when did such matters go to the magistrates? I’m not even sure what law I’m supposed to have broken.” Horatio gathered all the items on the table towards him anyway, just in case.
“Oh I’m sure that there must be one or two that cover your misdemeanours. Somewhere.” Archie waved his hand vaguely, trying to keep Horatio’s attention on it while the other inched closer to its goal. The strategy didn’t work and he had to hastily withdraw it to avoid a whack.
“Hands off, trouble maker.”
“Trouble maker? Me? Am I the one who has been going round snitching on his lover?”
“Sh!” Horatio cast a quick glance around him in case of eavesdroppers. It was a vain exercise of course; they knew they were the only officers on board, the rest having been given leave for the night, a leave they were due to indulge in the next evening. “Must you be quite so foolhardy?”
“Must you tell my mother that I don’t dress warmly enough for nights on deck? That I have been known not to wash behind my ears? And a thousand other sins for which she has upbraided me in her latest letter?” Archie waved the epistle concerned, one that had arrived with the mail when Indefatigable made port.
“Ah.” Horatio could think of no other adequate reply. Had they been on shore he could have avoided having to make any answer at all, distracting his lover with kisses and caresses and many other such pleasantries. A wardroom, empty though it was, didn’t present a place where such displacement activities might be essayed.
“Well if that’s your only defence I would suggest that you might as well plead guilty as charged.” Archie looked at the half written letters on the table. “And is this another batch of reports on my errant behaviour? Will you be telling the old girl that I don’t clean my teeth nor my linen often enough?” He made a grab for one of the juiciest looking epistles but was forestalled by Horatio’s lightning quick reactions.
“If I have sought to inform your mother of the true state of things regarding Acting Lieutenant Kennedy’s personal habits, then it has been in both your best interests. I don’t want you to catch your death of cold up on deck half dressed - and while you never listen to me, you might just listen to her.” Horatio began to study the grain of the table, which suddenly seemed to be the most fascinating thing in the world.
“I wonder if you divulge to her all your little personal habits. I wonder if the Countess has been made privy to the fact that you sometimes sleep without a stitch of clothing on, a thing that I was told was one of the most terrible faux pas a man could commit. Or that you snore like a hog and that your greatest ambition is to get a commander’s swab so that you can take a shower in the nude on your own deck? Perhaps I should include all these little facts in my latest letter - in both of your best interests.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Wouldn’t I? Wouldn’t I?” Archie’s eyes danced with delight - it excited him beyond all measure to see Horatio just a little frightened and potentially in his power. “You have no idea what I would do.”
“I’d deny it all - and so would your Mama. She’d say that she knew that you were so steeped in original sin that she could guess that you’d been slipping into bad habits.” Horatio smirked to himself. “And she would always stick up for me in preference to you. I’m her favourite.” He closed his eyes and made a self satisfied face, allowing Archie to grab all the half written letters and clasp them to his bosom.
“Aha! Well I have all the evidence I need now and I can appeal to a higher authority.”
Horatio now looked genuinely worried. “Captain Pellew?”
“No, you ass. My Papa. He’s the only one in our house who would take my part over yours - over both of you - so to Caesar I shall go.”
“That evidence would not be admissible - it was obtained by unfair means.”
“So was yours. I didn’t give you permission to inspect behind my ears nor determine whether I had flannel next the skin when we got called on deck during that storm. It was a matter of espionage…” Archie suddenly grinned as a wonderful thought occurred to him, “…and therefore directly contrary to the Articles of War. This must count as bringing or delivering any seducing letters or messages from any enemy or rebel , Mama being the adversary in question.” He did a little dance of satisfaction.
“I wouldn’t be so hasty in your triumph. The next article states that you mustn’t provide a spy with any supplies whatsoever-if you accuse me of being an espionage agent then you are implicated too. I can think of plenty of things you keep me supplied with. Kisses for a start.” He lowered his voice again.
“Then we are at an impasse, sir. We either both stand condemned and take our punishment or both must plead our innocence.”
“There’s not an ounce of innocence in you.” Horatio grinned. “As you’ll no doubt prove again tomorrow.”
“Not if you keep snitching on me, I won’t. Shore leave will be a picture of purity then-not a kiss or a cuddle will you get unless you promise that you’ll tell Mama that I’m a reformed character. Wear my vest and everything.”
“And how can I assure her on the veracity of that statement? Will I be allowed to obtain my own evidence?”
“Have you a warrant?”
“Only the licence of my own heart and the authorisation of my love.”
Archie rolled his eyes at the stupidity on show. “Take all the evidence you want, then. But only send reports of my first-rate conduct to Mama.”
“Then you’d better be good…”
“I’ll be magnificent…”
CHARACTERS: Archie and Horatio
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: These lads aren’t mine and they profit me not.
“You don’t have a warrant for that. Put it down now.” There was a twinkle in Horatio’s eye that gave the lie to the edge in his voice.
“I don’t think I need a warrant. I am exercising my right as one of King George’s citizens to obtain evidence that might be used in one of his courts.” Archie could not suppress a grin.
“Since when did such matters go to the magistrates? I’m not even sure what law I’m supposed to have broken.” Horatio gathered all the items on the table towards him anyway, just in case.
“Oh I’m sure that there must be one or two that cover your misdemeanours. Somewhere.” Archie waved his hand vaguely, trying to keep Horatio’s attention on it while the other inched closer to its goal. The strategy didn’t work and he had to hastily withdraw it to avoid a whack.
“Hands off, trouble maker.”
“Trouble maker? Me? Am I the one who has been going round snitching on his lover?”
“Sh!” Horatio cast a quick glance around him in case of eavesdroppers. It was a vain exercise of course; they knew they were the only officers on board, the rest having been given leave for the night, a leave they were due to indulge in the next evening. “Must you be quite so foolhardy?”
“Must you tell my mother that I don’t dress warmly enough for nights on deck? That I have been known not to wash behind my ears? And a thousand other sins for which she has upbraided me in her latest letter?” Archie waved the epistle concerned, one that had arrived with the mail when Indefatigable made port.
“Ah.” Horatio could think of no other adequate reply. Had they been on shore he could have avoided having to make any answer at all, distracting his lover with kisses and caresses and many other such pleasantries. A wardroom, empty though it was, didn’t present a place where such displacement activities might be essayed.
“Well if that’s your only defence I would suggest that you might as well plead guilty as charged.” Archie looked at the half written letters on the table. “And is this another batch of reports on my errant behaviour? Will you be telling the old girl that I don’t clean my teeth nor my linen often enough?” He made a grab for one of the juiciest looking epistles but was forestalled by Horatio’s lightning quick reactions.
“If I have sought to inform your mother of the true state of things regarding Acting Lieutenant Kennedy’s personal habits, then it has been in both your best interests. I don’t want you to catch your death of cold up on deck half dressed - and while you never listen to me, you might just listen to her.” Horatio began to study the grain of the table, which suddenly seemed to be the most fascinating thing in the world.
“I wonder if you divulge to her all your little personal habits. I wonder if the Countess has been made privy to the fact that you sometimes sleep without a stitch of clothing on, a thing that I was told was one of the most terrible faux pas a man could commit. Or that you snore like a hog and that your greatest ambition is to get a commander’s swab so that you can take a shower in the nude on your own deck? Perhaps I should include all these little facts in my latest letter - in both of your best interests.”
“You wouldn’t dare.”
“Wouldn’t I? Wouldn’t I?” Archie’s eyes danced with delight - it excited him beyond all measure to see Horatio just a little frightened and potentially in his power. “You have no idea what I would do.”
“I’d deny it all - and so would your Mama. She’d say that she knew that you were so steeped in original sin that she could guess that you’d been slipping into bad habits.” Horatio smirked to himself. “And she would always stick up for me in preference to you. I’m her favourite.” He closed his eyes and made a self satisfied face, allowing Archie to grab all the half written letters and clasp them to his bosom.
“Aha! Well I have all the evidence I need now and I can appeal to a higher authority.”
Horatio now looked genuinely worried. “Captain Pellew?”
“No, you ass. My Papa. He’s the only one in our house who would take my part over yours - over both of you - so to Caesar I shall go.”
“That evidence would not be admissible - it was obtained by unfair means.”
“So was yours. I didn’t give you permission to inspect behind my ears nor determine whether I had flannel next the skin when we got called on deck during that storm. It was a matter of espionage…” Archie suddenly grinned as a wonderful thought occurred to him, “…and therefore directly contrary to the Articles of War. This must count as bringing or delivering any seducing letters or messages from any enemy or rebel , Mama being the adversary in question.” He did a little dance of satisfaction.
“I wouldn’t be so hasty in your triumph. The next article states that you mustn’t provide a spy with any supplies whatsoever-if you accuse me of being an espionage agent then you are implicated too. I can think of plenty of things you keep me supplied with. Kisses for a start.” He lowered his voice again.
“Then we are at an impasse, sir. We either both stand condemned and take our punishment or both must plead our innocence.”
“There’s not an ounce of innocence in you.” Horatio grinned. “As you’ll no doubt prove again tomorrow.”
“Not if you keep snitching on me, I won’t. Shore leave will be a picture of purity then-not a kiss or a cuddle will you get unless you promise that you’ll tell Mama that I’m a reformed character. Wear my vest and everything.”
“And how can I assure her on the veracity of that statement? Will I be allowed to obtain my own evidence?”
“Have you a warrant?”
“Only the licence of my own heart and the authorisation of my love.”
Archie rolled his eyes at the stupidity on show. “Take all the evidence you want, then. But only send reports of my first-rate conduct to Mama.”
“Then you’d better be good…”
“I’ll be magnificent…”