am I or am I not?
I'm starting this journal because I'm afraid I'm becoming an alcoholic. I don't think anyone from my family or friends knows. I do know that I have spent the last 3 weeks mixing vodka or rum with diet Sprite in the evenings and weekends. I usually get silly, chat online or whatever, maybe talk to someone who has unfortunately called me or been called by me. I am still getting to work on time, and not drunk by any means.
I moved to the place I live in order to work where I work. I work with children and I love it. My work makes me happy, but my lack of support-system and social life makes my off-hours unbearable. I often go to work early, stay late, and hate hate hate the weekends. I am moving back to my hometown in 2 weeks. I guess I'll know then whether I'm truly an alcoholic or not.
Little background, my maternal grandmother was a functioning alcoholic but usually passed out every night in front of the TV. She started drinking in the afternoons because you "have to keep the cook happy." My dad was an alcoholic but was never around, he didn't live with us or anything. My mom's always feared I would become an alcoholic too but so far I've proved her wrong. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety on and off since I was 18 and I'm now 30. I am currently medicated with Effexor XR and I have lately been taking 300 mg, but haven't felt any relief from it of late. I'm single, married once (in a violently abusive relationship), childless. I love children and would love to be a mother someday.
I don't drink every day, I do drink every weekend. I feel trapped by my existance here, I am unhappy and often don't leave the house except to do the bare minimum (like purchasing groceries). The only times I am happy are when I am at school or hanging out with friends. My only friends here are one of my coworkers and some of the older kids at my school. I don't drink in front of anyone. I think I could go a week without drinking. I could go more if it weren't for weekends. When I used to go home for weekends I wouldn't drink because I was with my friends and family and they kept me happy.
I don't know what else to say right now. I have to go to work.
I moved to the place I live in order to work where I work. I work with children and I love it. My work makes me happy, but my lack of support-system and social life makes my off-hours unbearable. I often go to work early, stay late, and hate hate hate the weekends. I am moving back to my hometown in 2 weeks. I guess I'll know then whether I'm truly an alcoholic or not.
Little background, my maternal grandmother was a functioning alcoholic but usually passed out every night in front of the TV. She started drinking in the afternoons because you "have to keep the cook happy." My dad was an alcoholic but was never around, he didn't live with us or anything. My mom's always feared I would become an alcoholic too but so far I've proved her wrong. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety on and off since I was 18 and I'm now 30. I am currently medicated with Effexor XR and I have lately been taking 300 mg, but haven't felt any relief from it of late. I'm single, married once (in a violently abusive relationship), childless. I love children and would love to be a mother someday.
I don't drink every day, I do drink every weekend. I feel trapped by my existance here, I am unhappy and often don't leave the house except to do the bare minimum (like purchasing groceries). The only times I am happy are when I am at school or hanging out with friends. My only friends here are one of my coworkers and some of the older kids at my school. I don't drink in front of anyone. I think I could go a week without drinking. I could go more if it weren't for weekends. When I used to go home for weekends I wouldn't drink because I was with my friends and family and they kept me happy.
I don't know what else to say right now. I have to go to work.