(no subject)
emo guys scare me now
like seriously SCARE me
i kinda freeze up on the inside, try to resist leaning away and pray to the Heavens that God will help me
i'm not scared they'll cry or be all wussy and pussy. that's totally fine man. real men cry (:
but what frightens me is the way they can lash out and hurt you in the worst possible way - emotionally, whether they mean it or not
it's frightening and humiliating and degrading and just downright awful to sit there feeling completely useless, to dish out pathetic scoops of hope for their situation and have them throw it back at you in the face
then it only gets worst when they walk away and leave you bleeding or all scratched up
they seem to think that they're the only ones who hurt, the only 'victims' in the situation
now add in the rest of the emo female population
its so hard really, to want to be there to help but knowing that you cannot live up to expectations
u try and try and give it your best
quietly sacrifice bits of your life, your heart, your time, your sleep, your grades, your family...
then one day they decide they've had enough of you and your inherent inability to meet their expectations
so they erase everything u've given them in their lives, forget everything that u've sacrificed to give them
they usher you out and close the doors of their heart on you,
not even noticing that they slam the door on your fingers as they go
these are people i think about very often
so often it used to haunt me
but i never knew what to do about it
so much of me wants to walk away and stop hurting
but the other parts of me cant bear to
until they all eventually leave me instead
and they leave me emptyhanded, in shame and utterly sorry that i cldn't be who they wanted me to be
you never really stop loving them
but what is love that they cannot feel? what is sacrifice that they cannot see?
is that what it means to live for the audience of One?
Dear Father,
i'm sorry for all the times i've complained about You, complained to You
help me never again shut the door in Your face, on Your fingers
help me never discount the unseen sacrifices that You've made
help me to trust in You and trust in the words that You say - when You say You love me and You will not leave me
help me to be secure in You and not be overdependent on any human person because that's simply not fair to him/her and will only cause him/her to hurt
all in all, Lord, help me to Love
even when it hurts
in Jesus name i pray,
amen.