Kinda...floating

Dec 10, 2007 23:29

Well the meds are helping but i think they might be hurting as well. im not sure yet. Ive only been taking them for a week. I do feel content. Little to no confusion, i dont hate everything, i dont feel low or hopeless, I can make decisions, and im getting some rest. Heck I even did a few light chores at home and my mom didn't have to say a word. lol.

However I feel they are mellowing me out a little. maybe a little too much. sure maybe thats part of what they are supposed to do, but im missing out on the ends of the spectrum here. No high excitement and no grieving, and heck ive had some reasons to grieve. I know part of what i prayed for and complained about was constantly living in the extremes with no constant or balance. I think it might be a blessing for a while but im not used to it yet. I think this is ok, but im trying to be aware (like I always try to be) of possibly losing something or something not being right. Im not freakin out about it. Im just thinking it out on here. we'll see what happens.

I figured something out about myself. I have associated (game) tiredness and laziness as being unfaithful or sinful. I mean I kinda already knew I did this, but it had more light shown on it recently. I finally accepted that i can be exhausted and still be with God. lol funny thought huh? I can do absolutely nothing and be with God, be in his peace and will. I dont always have to be doing something or constantly physically alert. So i accept this. now what? I need to be taught how to be faithful by doing...nothing. How to rest and be lazy WITH Him. I mean, we are told to rest in Him. It can't be a constant battle, trial, or test. I mean i should be able to watch TV with God. check email with God. Sit and do nothing almost totally out of it because of how tired i am all the time and just be that with Him. Right? well give me guidance when you can. Im learning something totally new here. i dont feel like doing anything right now. I want to feel at peace with that. That i can be following God by doing nothing.

got some thinking and resting to do. bye guys.

JESSIE
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