404--Internal Error
Remember that part in 'Star Trek: Generations' where Data puts in his emotion chip and then doesn't know what to do with his newfound humanlikeness? He keeps doing the wrong things at the wrong time, like laughing hysterically when he should be serious, freaking out when he should be helping his friends, etc...
That's me right now. Only very specific.
I woke up about an hour ago, and I heard somebody crying. At first I thought it was my sister Emily, but then I realized it was coming from downstairs; Em's lights were still off, which meant she was still asleep. I put on my robe and went to check things out. It was my mom. I asked what was the matter and she told me that my grandfather (her dad) had just passed away.
Wanna know the icing on the cake? Today's my mom's birthday.
Now, a normal person, in a situation like this, would start crying. At the very least, they would be grieving.
As many of you know, I am not a normal person.
I have a very different perspective on death. I'm a Believer, a Follower of Christ. Ever since I was little, I've had a different point of view when it came to death. You either went to Heaven when you died or you went to Hell. There are no other options. As I got older, I realized exactly what that meant. If a person is a Christian (a sold out follower of Christ, not a 'I go to church on Sundays and I do good things' kind of person) they won't die, but instead they will spend forever in Heaven with their Savior, Jesus. Their Earthly bodies will cease to function, but that's only because they don't need them any more; they've been given new, Heavenly bodies that are free from disease, imperfections, pain, etc. It is totally not a bad thing for a Christian to die. However, if somebody dies who doesn't know Christ as their Savior, they will die an eternal death: an eternity away from God, away from Jesus, in Hell, where there is nothing but pain and sorrow and fear and sadness and every single other horrible thing you can (or can't) think of.
Anyway, back on track...my understanding of death was very straightforward, so I never got upset when somebody died. The first funeral I ever attended that I can remember was for my Uncle BC. I didn't get upset over that because I was too young. But then my grandma on my dad's side died--I was in 5th grade, I believe?--and I distinctly remember thinking to myself at the funeral 'Wow, I need to be more upset about this than I am. What is wrong with me?' I remember looking over at my dad and my aunt and seeing them crying, and wondering why I wasn't doing the same.
Well, this is where things get interesting. I'm 24 now, and my understanding of death is complete: I no longer get upset when somebody dies. I don't even grieve. It's like there's a button that never got pushed, a switch that never got flicked, a light-emitting diode that didn't get soldered to the motherboard correctly. It's weird.
This weekend was supposed to be a happy one. I was going to go to Boone and see my friends, hang out, have fun, go to Grandfather Mountain, go Contra Dancing...
I must be the worst person in the world: I am more upset that I won't be going to Boone this weekend than I am about my grandfather dying.
I talked to my dad about it. He said he totally understands because he is the same way. He said I shouldn't feel guilty. He said it's not my fault, there's nothing I can do about it. He said death just has a different effect on people.
He also said I should wait to tell my mom sometime later when she'll understand and won't throw me out of the house.
I mean, I don't expect anybody else to understand. Most people don't have a literal Biblical view on death and tragedy and such. But the rare few of us who do have to pretend their anger and frustration at not being able to do the things they wanted (and had planned out two months prior to it taking place, btw) is their grief at the loss of [insert name here], and not at the loss of their totally awesome weekend.
So to all of you who were excited about me coming up to Boone this weekend, I'm sorry. I won't be able to make it after all. Have fun without me. No grieving allowed. I mean, I won't be, so why should you?
Oh, and if anybody has a spare emotion chip, let me know. I think mine's busted.
That's me right now. Only very specific.
I woke up about an hour ago, and I heard somebody crying. At first I thought it was my sister Emily, but then I realized it was coming from downstairs; Em's lights were still off, which meant she was still asleep. I put on my robe and went to check things out. It was my mom. I asked what was the matter and she told me that my grandfather (her dad) had just passed away.
Wanna know the icing on the cake? Today's my mom's birthday.
Now, a normal person, in a situation like this, would start crying. At the very least, they would be grieving.
As many of you know, I am not a normal person.
I have a very different perspective on death. I'm a Believer, a Follower of Christ. Ever since I was little, I've had a different point of view when it came to death. You either went to Heaven when you died or you went to Hell. There are no other options. As I got older, I realized exactly what that meant. If a person is a Christian (a sold out follower of Christ, not a 'I go to church on Sundays and I do good things' kind of person) they won't die, but instead they will spend forever in Heaven with their Savior, Jesus. Their Earthly bodies will cease to function, but that's only because they don't need them any more; they've been given new, Heavenly bodies that are free from disease, imperfections, pain, etc. It is totally not a bad thing for a Christian to die. However, if somebody dies who doesn't know Christ as their Savior, they will die an eternal death: an eternity away from God, away from Jesus, in Hell, where there is nothing but pain and sorrow and fear and sadness and every single other horrible thing you can (or can't) think of.
Anyway, back on track...my understanding of death was very straightforward, so I never got upset when somebody died. The first funeral I ever attended that I can remember was for my Uncle BC. I didn't get upset over that because I was too young. But then my grandma on my dad's side died--I was in 5th grade, I believe?--and I distinctly remember thinking to myself at the funeral 'Wow, I need to be more upset about this than I am. What is wrong with me?' I remember looking over at my dad and my aunt and seeing them crying, and wondering why I wasn't doing the same.
Well, this is where things get interesting. I'm 24 now, and my understanding of death is complete: I no longer get upset when somebody dies. I don't even grieve. It's like there's a button that never got pushed, a switch that never got flicked, a light-emitting diode that didn't get soldered to the motherboard correctly. It's weird.
This weekend was supposed to be a happy one. I was going to go to Boone and see my friends, hang out, have fun, go to Grandfather Mountain, go Contra Dancing...
I must be the worst person in the world: I am more upset that I won't be going to Boone this weekend than I am about my grandfather dying.
I talked to my dad about it. He said he totally understands because he is the same way. He said I shouldn't feel guilty. He said it's not my fault, there's nothing I can do about it. He said death just has a different effect on people.
He also said I should wait to tell my mom sometime later when she'll understand and won't throw me out of the house.
I mean, I don't expect anybody else to understand. Most people don't have a literal Biblical view on death and tragedy and such. But the rare few of us who do have to pretend their anger and frustration at not being able to do the things they wanted (and had planned out two months prior to it taking place, btw) is their grief at the loss of [insert name here], and not at the loss of their totally awesome weekend.
So to all of you who were excited about me coming up to Boone this weekend, I'm sorry. I won't be able to make it after all. Have fun without me. No grieving allowed. I mean, I won't be, so why should you?
Oh, and if anybody has a spare emotion chip, let me know. I think mine's busted.