Home of the 3-Foot Mosquito!
Ever been stuck? I mean, really stuck? Felt like you were stuck? It's the worst feeling in the world.
This goes beyond stuckdom. This is 'stuck in the rut from hell'dom.
I'm probably not really stuck. I mean, I'm only 23. Almost 24. It's hard to be stuck when you're less than a quarter of a century old. It's just...I'm 23. Almost 24. I'm not a college graduate. I probably won't be for a while. A long while. Nobody wants their kid to hang out with a college dropout. Nobody wants their son to date or marry a college dropout. The one place I'm so not cut out for, the one place where I really don't fit in at all, the one place that isn't for me is the one place I need to be to make me a 'successful adult'. How can I screw up any more? Maybe I should shoot heroine, start smoking and get pregnant. That might do it.
I don't want to be bitter. I want more than anything else to be reliant (I almost spelled that with two 'e's. Haha.) on God. I want so much for His will to be done. If His will is that I remain single for the rest of my life, then I guess I can be happy knowing that His will is being done in my life. But I desire sooooooooooooo much to be a wife and mother. The Bible says we're supposed to lean on God. He takes care of us in every situation, both the good and the bad. He is our--my!--comfort, my shelter, my strength when I'm weak. And as much as I know that, as much as I trust Him in everything, I can't help but miss the feeling of another's arms around me when I'm in need of comfort.
I love hugs. Not the weak, side arm half-hug kinds, but the straight on bear hug kinds that just scream 'I'm here for you and I care for you'. When I'm feeling bad, the only kind of hug that can make me feel better is a real torso-wrapper. You don't get those when you're single. You don't get those when you're having to work all the time to make a basic living. This is why being an unsuccessful college dropout sucks more than anything else.
My grandmother called me the other day. We talked for a while, and when she got to asking me about my social life I explained that I hadn't had much of one recently due to work and people not being around. Here's the conversation we had:
"You don't have a boyfriend?"
"No, Grandma."
"Why not? You're old enough!"
Because that's what 24-year-old women are supposed to do. We're supposed to have boyfriends by 20, an engagement ring by 22, a wedding dress by 23 and a kid by 25. Never mind what God wants--screw what God wants!--I should be paying attention to what my family wants. And that's a grandkid. And it doesn't matter what I want, either. Just so long as my grandmother becomes a great-grandmother in the next few years, everything's ok. The thing is, nobody seems to be interested right now. It's not killer that anybody is (I mean, ok, so there is this one guy that I like quite a bit, despite his being younger by about 2 years...), but if he's not the one God has planned for me there's not much I can do about it. I'm not likely to change His mind. God is God. He's not called 'The Almighty' for nothing. He created me for a reason. He has a plan for my life that nobody can even dream about. I mean, how exciting is that?! The creator of the universe has a plan, has an idea, has the most amazing path laid out for me. Whatever it is, it's going to be phenomenal.
I just wish I knew what it was, who it involves and what's taking it so long.
I hate being stagnant.
This goes beyond stuckdom. This is 'stuck in the rut from hell'dom.
I'm probably not really stuck. I mean, I'm only 23. Almost 24. It's hard to be stuck when you're less than a quarter of a century old. It's just...I'm 23. Almost 24. I'm not a college graduate. I probably won't be for a while. A long while. Nobody wants their kid to hang out with a college dropout. Nobody wants their son to date or marry a college dropout. The one place I'm so not cut out for, the one place where I really don't fit in at all, the one place that isn't for me is the one place I need to be to make me a 'successful adult'. How can I screw up any more? Maybe I should shoot heroine, start smoking and get pregnant. That might do it.
I don't want to be bitter. I want more than anything else to be reliant (I almost spelled that with two 'e's. Haha.) on God. I want so much for His will to be done. If His will is that I remain single for the rest of my life, then I guess I can be happy knowing that His will is being done in my life. But I desire sooooooooooooo much to be a wife and mother. The Bible says we're supposed to lean on God. He takes care of us in every situation, both the good and the bad. He is our--my!--comfort, my shelter, my strength when I'm weak. And as much as I know that, as much as I trust Him in everything, I can't help but miss the feeling of another's arms around me when I'm in need of comfort.
I love hugs. Not the weak, side arm half-hug kinds, but the straight on bear hug kinds that just scream 'I'm here for you and I care for you'. When I'm feeling bad, the only kind of hug that can make me feel better is a real torso-wrapper. You don't get those when you're single. You don't get those when you're having to work all the time to make a basic living. This is why being an unsuccessful college dropout sucks more than anything else.
My grandmother called me the other day. We talked for a while, and when she got to asking me about my social life I explained that I hadn't had much of one recently due to work and people not being around. Here's the conversation we had:
"You don't have a boyfriend?"
"No, Grandma."
"Why not? You're old enough!"
Because that's what 24-year-old women are supposed to do. We're supposed to have boyfriends by 20, an engagement ring by 22, a wedding dress by 23 and a kid by 25. Never mind what God wants--screw what God wants!--I should be paying attention to what my family wants. And that's a grandkid. And it doesn't matter what I want, either. Just so long as my grandmother becomes a great-grandmother in the next few years, everything's ok. The thing is, nobody seems to be interested right now. It's not killer that anybody is (I mean, ok, so there is this one guy that I like quite a bit, despite his being younger by about 2 years...), but if he's not the one God has planned for me there's not much I can do about it. I'm not likely to change His mind. God is God. He's not called 'The Almighty' for nothing. He created me for a reason. He has a plan for my life that nobody can even dream about. I mean, how exciting is that?! The creator of the universe has a plan, has an idea, has the most amazing path laid out for me. Whatever it is, it's going to be phenomenal.
I just wish I knew what it was, who it involves and what's taking it so long.
I hate being stagnant.