My first fandom story--ever! Sean/Elijah
A year ago I never thought about RPS. I barely knew about FPS. I came to Sean/Elijah through my love of Frodo/Sam and found I got addicted to both. I have been inspired by so many great writers. This is dedicated to Rakshi and is a gift to all those whose stories I've enjoyed this past year.
Thank you, rakshi, for your encouragement!
Also posted at astinwood
Title: Setting the Record (Not So) Straight
Author: Myladylyssa ( fseslover@yahoo.com )
Rating: PG-13 (?)
Pairing: S/E
Summary: Sean’s conscience weighs on him about what he said (and didn’t say) in his book.
Disclaimer: Just fiction. I could only wish. This story reveals more about me than anything.
Dedication: To dearest Rakshi, whose stories have given me great joy and through whom I discovered the happiness that is Sean/Elijah. When I was writing this I was thinking how much I absolutely died over "That One Night" and "New Zealand Again" when I read them for the first time last December.
Author’s note: This is my first ever RPS-and my first in any category of fan fiction. Please forgive its flaws. I wrote it to reconcile RL with the AUs that Rakshi and many fine others have created for me.
Feedback: I'd love to know if you enjoyed this!
__________
Of course I have been reading all the reviews of my book. I can’t help it. And if there is one thing every review has in common it is the reaction "unflinchingly honest." But I know I have lied.
Oh, sure, I talked candidly about the money, my insecurities, my seeming ingratitude, my aspirations. All that is true. But I dissembled about what matters most, what’s closest to my heart. And that’s what makes me cringe whenever I read any variation of the theme "unflinchingly honest."
I wrote it would be spineless not to discuss the homoeroticism. And I wrote that I do not want to disavow anyone’s interpretation of Sam and Frodo’s relationship. So far so good. Of course, as an actor and a businessman, I cannot publically denounce someone else’s point of view here-it’s neither financially nor politically wise for my career. But, more importantly, as a compassionate and educated person who appreciates the sheer diversity of human experience, it is simply wrong to do so. But I *was* spineless, because I lied about my own interpretation, didn’t tell the whole of my story.
Our story. But I couldn’t. I can’t. Yet.
I know why it is I wrote what I wrote, that I don’t think Frodo and Sam are gay. On one level, I don’t think they are-at least not in the way that our society sees homosexuality, which is on the basis of the sexual act alone or as a stereotypical personality. In that way, calling Frodo and Sam "gay" labels them, constricts them, presents them in what I think is a one-dimensional light. And, to me, they are so much more than that.
Elijah is so much more than that.
I wanted to emphasize the love, love so complete that it knows no boundaries. That sounds less anachronistic, more inclusive and natural. But I didn’t. I set clear demarcations, knowingly committing the injustice of binary thinking. Either/or instead of both/and. I called Sam and Frodo’s love pure and innocent, equating that with the lack of sexuality. What is so impure about sex? I am no Puritan. And innocence? Even children are not that "innocent," when allowed to explore without guilt and restriction. And didn’t I argue against the hobbits being portrayed as bungling childish oafs?
God, was it really necessary for me to point out that the scene on Mount Doom was asexual? Methinks he doth protest too much. Really, even if it were a heterosexual couple in that situation, would they be thinking of sex in their soul-weary, near-death state? Hardly. And a battlefield scene? Come on. Nobody would be saying that if that were Aragorn and Arwen, say. Truly, all you have to do is look at my face, hear me say the lines, see how gently I cradle Elijah to know that it is, indeed and above all, a love scene. My favorite scene of all.
Sam loves Frodo. Sean loves Elijah.
And not in that "brother" nonsense I mention. Now there’s a sure-fire way to kill any thoughts of sexuality, to say that someone is "like your brother." That’s an easy enough description to buy and a convenient deflection for me to use: He’s younger than me, wilder; I am the mature older sibling looking after him, protecting him. But brothers don’t gaze longingly at each other, as I’ve seen myself looking at him, captured on film and in countless photographs for all to see. Brothers don’t miss each other so much it feels as if a part of one is missing. And I don’t ache to hold my brother close to my heart all night long and never let go.
Elijah, my soulmate, my lover.
How many times I lie in this chapter! To say that Lij and I never had one serious discussion about the nature of Frodo and Sam’s relationship. If you take it literally, and read between the lines, I am not really lying. I said "not one." For we had many. But not in an "are they/aren’t they?" vein. Intense hours spent creating character history and roleplaying. It just seemed organic that they love each other, be in love. We played it that way because that’s what we felt--for them, for each other. Hours stolen away together when we could manage.
And don’t even get me started on that stupid Rosie comment I threw in for good measure. As if I don’t know she was an afterthought, a plot device, and an unconvincing one at that. And as if being "prolific" proves or disproves love of any definition. Then I contradict myself by saying that one could read Sam and Frodo as lovers and that the reading could be sustained as far as one takes it. I am calling it legitimate. God, it sounds like I am in denial, doesn’t it?
I have to be, at least officially. What other choice do I have? I have my marriage, my children, my career to think about. I want to go on to be a great director, achieve great things. And unfortunately in this business image is paramount.
But even more, I have Elijah to think about. He has a lot to lose, too. And I do not want to lose *him.* Now is not the time. We’ll figure out something. We’ve got to, or I may lose him. We know the truth-and that’s what matters-for now. Thank god he is so understanding.
And it helps that so many people enjoy the notion of Frodo and Sam as a couple. Those who understand, who can *see*, *know*, despite what Elijah and I say. They can see through the smoke screens of words to the interaction between us. And those stories on the Internet? I’ve read some of them, especially the ones about Elijah and me. They are comfort and agony both--and hope. We are not alone, at least.
Thank you, rakshi, for your encouragement!
Also posted at astinwood
Title: Setting the Record (Not So) Straight
Author: Myladylyssa ( fseslover@yahoo.com )
Rating: PG-13 (?)
Pairing: S/E
Summary: Sean’s conscience weighs on him about what he said (and didn’t say) in his book.
Disclaimer: Just fiction. I could only wish. This story reveals more about me than anything.
Dedication: To dearest Rakshi, whose stories have given me great joy and through whom I discovered the happiness that is Sean/Elijah. When I was writing this I was thinking how much I absolutely died over "That One Night" and "New Zealand Again" when I read them for the first time last December.
Author’s note: This is my first ever RPS-and my first in any category of fan fiction. Please forgive its flaws. I wrote it to reconcile RL with the AUs that Rakshi and many fine others have created for me.
Feedback: I'd love to know if you enjoyed this!
__________
Of course I have been reading all the reviews of my book. I can’t help it. And if there is one thing every review has in common it is the reaction "unflinchingly honest." But I know I have lied.
Oh, sure, I talked candidly about the money, my insecurities, my seeming ingratitude, my aspirations. All that is true. But I dissembled about what matters most, what’s closest to my heart. And that’s what makes me cringe whenever I read any variation of the theme "unflinchingly honest."
I wrote it would be spineless not to discuss the homoeroticism. And I wrote that I do not want to disavow anyone’s interpretation of Sam and Frodo’s relationship. So far so good. Of course, as an actor and a businessman, I cannot publically denounce someone else’s point of view here-it’s neither financially nor politically wise for my career. But, more importantly, as a compassionate and educated person who appreciates the sheer diversity of human experience, it is simply wrong to do so. But I *was* spineless, because I lied about my own interpretation, didn’t tell the whole of my story.
Our story. But I couldn’t. I can’t. Yet.
I know why it is I wrote what I wrote, that I don’t think Frodo and Sam are gay. On one level, I don’t think they are-at least not in the way that our society sees homosexuality, which is on the basis of the sexual act alone or as a stereotypical personality. In that way, calling Frodo and Sam "gay" labels them, constricts them, presents them in what I think is a one-dimensional light. And, to me, they are so much more than that.
Elijah is so much more than that.
I wanted to emphasize the love, love so complete that it knows no boundaries. That sounds less anachronistic, more inclusive and natural. But I didn’t. I set clear demarcations, knowingly committing the injustice of binary thinking. Either/or instead of both/and. I called Sam and Frodo’s love pure and innocent, equating that with the lack of sexuality. What is so impure about sex? I am no Puritan. And innocence? Even children are not that "innocent," when allowed to explore without guilt and restriction. And didn’t I argue against the hobbits being portrayed as bungling childish oafs?
God, was it really necessary for me to point out that the scene on Mount Doom was asexual? Methinks he doth protest too much. Really, even if it were a heterosexual couple in that situation, would they be thinking of sex in their soul-weary, near-death state? Hardly. And a battlefield scene? Come on. Nobody would be saying that if that were Aragorn and Arwen, say. Truly, all you have to do is look at my face, hear me say the lines, see how gently I cradle Elijah to know that it is, indeed and above all, a love scene. My favorite scene of all.
Sam loves Frodo. Sean loves Elijah.
And not in that "brother" nonsense I mention. Now there’s a sure-fire way to kill any thoughts of sexuality, to say that someone is "like your brother." That’s an easy enough description to buy and a convenient deflection for me to use: He’s younger than me, wilder; I am the mature older sibling looking after him, protecting him. But brothers don’t gaze longingly at each other, as I’ve seen myself looking at him, captured on film and in countless photographs for all to see. Brothers don’t miss each other so much it feels as if a part of one is missing. And I don’t ache to hold my brother close to my heart all night long and never let go.
Elijah, my soulmate, my lover.
How many times I lie in this chapter! To say that Lij and I never had one serious discussion about the nature of Frodo and Sam’s relationship. If you take it literally, and read between the lines, I am not really lying. I said "not one." For we had many. But not in an "are they/aren’t they?" vein. Intense hours spent creating character history and roleplaying. It just seemed organic that they love each other, be in love. We played it that way because that’s what we felt--for them, for each other. Hours stolen away together when we could manage.
And don’t even get me started on that stupid Rosie comment I threw in for good measure. As if I don’t know she was an afterthought, a plot device, and an unconvincing one at that. And as if being "prolific" proves or disproves love of any definition. Then I contradict myself by saying that one could read Sam and Frodo as lovers and that the reading could be sustained as far as one takes it. I am calling it legitimate. God, it sounds like I am in denial, doesn’t it?
I have to be, at least officially. What other choice do I have? I have my marriage, my children, my career to think about. I want to go on to be a great director, achieve great things. And unfortunately in this business image is paramount.
But even more, I have Elijah to think about. He has a lot to lose, too. And I do not want to lose *him.* Now is not the time. We’ll figure out something. We’ve got to, or I may lose him. We know the truth-and that’s what matters-for now. Thank god he is so understanding.
And it helps that so many people enjoy the notion of Frodo and Sam as a couple. Those who understand, who can *see*, *know*, despite what Elijah and I say. They can see through the smoke screens of words to the interaction between us. And those stories on the Internet? I’ve read some of them, especially the ones about Elijah and me. They are comfort and agony both--and hope. We are not alone, at least.