wondering what could have been
first off im composing a list of things i need to do with my upcoming "week off" which really more like a week on for me.
-work
-finish all plans for europe
-send aine her treasure map
-work on my prom dress
-samhälle paper
-art history paper
its not actually that much, glad i made a list so i can stop feeling so overwhelmed
now to the real order of business; reflecting.
theres a certain phrase that i cant quite recall that seems rather fitting for this moment in time that goes something like this: "when one thing ends something else begins." my time in sweden will be coming to an end in about 6 and half weeks which raises a huge amount of thoughts and questions in my head and currently most of them are pretaining to miro and my relationship with him. although his musical taste is questionable sometimes i could not have dreamed up a more perfect person for myself (my lovely wife exluded from this train of thought) except that i would have dreamed them up in the same bloody time zone. im so in love with him and i just dont know what any of it means if anything. it does not mean that i will be having a long distance relationship, to me, long distance relationships are complete bullshit, especially permantly long distance ones. and there is not way in hell i am moving sweden. i will visit as often as humanly possible (but only in the summer for fuck sakes) but living here? no way. so what then, weve been together for 5 months, AKA not enough time to make big decisions concerning our relationship. and in the fall i will be embarking on a whole new chapter in my life and the last thing on my list of priorities is a serious relationship. so between these two things EVERY suggestion seems completely irrational. theres no way i would be able to ask him "hey, do you wanna leave your entire life behind and try and start again in california so we can see if this relationship thing will work out?" and even if i did who know that he'd even WANT to be with me once he saw how my life actually is. not that im a different person on the other side of the world, but i lead a very different life. anyone who dated me, or even knows me, knows that i am not an easy person to be with. the time you get with me is short and rushed and im pretty sure can make people feel like i dont care (which is not true, but understandable as to why my significant others could get this impression). so what then? we meet up again in 5 years and see if things would work out?? INSANITY. we dont live in a trashy romance novel. ugh. i suppose for now ill just have to keep to my mind set before of "we'll just enjoy the time we have together now" but i dont want to always be wondering what could have been. "wondering what could have been" is the worst phrase in the english language. ive never had so much time to prepare to get my heart broken before and currently its tap dancing on my head.
-work
-finish all plans for europe
-send aine her treasure map
-work on my prom dress
-samhälle paper
-art history paper
its not actually that much, glad i made a list so i can stop feeling so overwhelmed
now to the real order of business; reflecting.
theres a certain phrase that i cant quite recall that seems rather fitting for this moment in time that goes something like this: "when one thing ends something else begins." my time in sweden will be coming to an end in about 6 and half weeks which raises a huge amount of thoughts and questions in my head and currently most of them are pretaining to miro and my relationship with him. although his musical taste is questionable sometimes i could not have dreamed up a more perfect person for myself (my lovely wife exluded from this train of thought) except that i would have dreamed them up in the same bloody time zone. im so in love with him and i just dont know what any of it means if anything. it does not mean that i will be having a long distance relationship, to me, long distance relationships are complete bullshit, especially permantly long distance ones. and there is not way in hell i am moving sweden. i will visit as often as humanly possible (but only in the summer for fuck sakes) but living here? no way. so what then, weve been together for 5 months, AKA not enough time to make big decisions concerning our relationship. and in the fall i will be embarking on a whole new chapter in my life and the last thing on my list of priorities is a serious relationship. so between these two things EVERY suggestion seems completely irrational. theres no way i would be able to ask him "hey, do you wanna leave your entire life behind and try and start again in california so we can see if this relationship thing will work out?" and even if i did who know that he'd even WANT to be with me once he saw how my life actually is. not that im a different person on the other side of the world, but i lead a very different life. anyone who dated me, or even knows me, knows that i am not an easy person to be with. the time you get with me is short and rushed and im pretty sure can make people feel like i dont care (which is not true, but understandable as to why my significant others could get this impression). so what then? we meet up again in 5 years and see if things would work out?? INSANITY. we dont live in a trashy romance novel. ugh. i suppose for now ill just have to keep to my mind set before of "we'll just enjoy the time we have together now" but i dont want to always be wondering what could have been. "wondering what could have been" is the worst phrase in the english language. ive never had so much time to prepare to get my heart broken before and currently its tap dancing on my head.