(no subject)
so this is it. i'm shutting down once again and it's not like i can help it. this weekend i realized i'm too dependent on bernard so things are starting to change. it's funny cuse for 17 years i've dealt with everything on my own and i was beginning to get used to it, but then bernard comes into my life and changes everything.
i'm not saying that's a bad thing at all. i'm just getting too comfortable &that makes me nervous. i've really missed writing in here but i can never gather the right words to explain how i'm feeling.
but right now i feel numb. it's been a while since i cut and i hope it stays that way. but i've been craving substances. and shows and just being home i guess.
these days i don't really get upset, but hurt. and i'm not quite sure how much more my body can take. there's like this little buzzing inside my body and each time i lie down, it's like everything is throbbing. and i don't know why. no. i just don't have time or the patience to deal with it.
god, i miss going to shows. i miss getting elbowed in the face, shaking it off, then continuing to rock out. i miss how everytime i would kinda fall, some nice young boy would hold me. i miss the ringing in my ears and smiling so much my cheeks hurt. i miss seeing people i know randomly and exchanging hugs and kisses. i miss the fact that i just feel so fucking infinite when i'm in that crowd. the night ends, but it's all okay.
i also miss my best friend. and i wish i could put into words how much she means to me and how much i need her in my life right now, but i would just cry. so i'll leave that untouched for now.
people are busy, i know.
god i'm so behind on my friend's page. i guess i just miss this community as lame as it sounds.
this weekend is the subcity take action tour with sugarcult, hawthorne heights, plain white t's, anberlin and some other bands i don't remember. i'm going with bailey and maybe she'll see what's home for me. don't get me wrong, i absolutely ADORE the people here, but it's different. as much as i love being on this computer, i think i like going to shows more, but. the scene here...just ain't happening.
i miss seeing all the scenester boys and girls all cuted out. and wishing i could be a scenester then realizing that's just not who i am.
i want the straylight's piano pieces. i miss being surrounded by music and love.
i'm repeating again, huh.
i guess i'm still trying to find my home. and i'm trying to do this on my own because what happens when bernard isn't here anymore. i can't fall apart. i can't have another 4 years of being completely miserable and being self destructive.
i want someone to ride buses with me and it doesn't matter where we're going because life is too short and we just need to live a little. i don't care where i end up because i know in the end, i'll be in the right place. i want to see the world as cliche as it sounds. we don't need to talk cuse the silence will be comfortable.
we'll lie under the stars and smoke a joint. maybe pop some pills and feel like we're injecting happiness but the thing is, it's not going to be temporary. this has been so long.
sometimes i sit on the stairs outside and stare at the smoke from my cigarette. i've been falling into my own world again.
once things stop getting so hectic, i want to start writing letters. i know i've said this a billion times, but i swear i'm going to try really hard this time to stick with my word. maybe they'll be half a page. maybe they'll be 5 pages. they probably won't make sense and all in all they'll just be little pieces of me scattered everywhere but i just want to do it.
that's what my weekend consisted of.
i'm not saying that's a bad thing at all. i'm just getting too comfortable &that makes me nervous. i've really missed writing in here but i can never gather the right words to explain how i'm feeling.
but right now i feel numb. it's been a while since i cut and i hope it stays that way. but i've been craving substances. and shows and just being home i guess.
these days i don't really get upset, but hurt. and i'm not quite sure how much more my body can take. there's like this little buzzing inside my body and each time i lie down, it's like everything is throbbing. and i don't know why. no. i just don't have time or the patience to deal with it.
god, i miss going to shows. i miss getting elbowed in the face, shaking it off, then continuing to rock out. i miss how everytime i would kinda fall, some nice young boy would hold me. i miss the ringing in my ears and smiling so much my cheeks hurt. i miss seeing people i know randomly and exchanging hugs and kisses. i miss the fact that i just feel so fucking infinite when i'm in that crowd. the night ends, but it's all okay.
i also miss my best friend. and i wish i could put into words how much she means to me and how much i need her in my life right now, but i would just cry. so i'll leave that untouched for now.
people are busy, i know.
god i'm so behind on my friend's page. i guess i just miss this community as lame as it sounds.
this weekend is the subcity take action tour with sugarcult, hawthorne heights, plain white t's, anberlin and some other bands i don't remember. i'm going with bailey and maybe she'll see what's home for me. don't get me wrong, i absolutely ADORE the people here, but it's different. as much as i love being on this computer, i think i like going to shows more, but. the scene here...just ain't happening.
i miss seeing all the scenester boys and girls all cuted out. and wishing i could be a scenester then realizing that's just not who i am.
i want the straylight's piano pieces. i miss being surrounded by music and love.
i'm repeating again, huh.
i guess i'm still trying to find my home. and i'm trying to do this on my own because what happens when bernard isn't here anymore. i can't fall apart. i can't have another 4 years of being completely miserable and being self destructive.
i want someone to ride buses with me and it doesn't matter where we're going because life is too short and we just need to live a little. i don't care where i end up because i know in the end, i'll be in the right place. i want to see the world as cliche as it sounds. we don't need to talk cuse the silence will be comfortable.
we'll lie under the stars and smoke a joint. maybe pop some pills and feel like we're injecting happiness but the thing is, it's not going to be temporary. this has been so long.
sometimes i sit on the stairs outside and stare at the smoke from my cigarette. i've been falling into my own world again.
once things stop getting so hectic, i want to start writing letters. i know i've said this a billion times, but i swear i'm going to try really hard this time to stick with my word. maybe they'll be half a page. maybe they'll be 5 pages. they probably won't make sense and all in all they'll just be little pieces of me scattered everywhere but i just want to do it.
that's what my weekend consisted of.