Wierd unresolved feelings of disconnection

[mykkel]

So I do this gaming thing, every Thursday. It's at my house. For the last few months, I've been feeling very disconnected from the rest of the group. We've been friends for a long time, and yet at the end of each week, I continue to find myself believing that the group would be better off without my participation

Comments

[_earthshine_]

It's a weird dynamic, isn't it? We've had mutual friends who, years ago, felt they had to back out of certain social groups for exactly that reason. Sometimes you do just have to take care of yourself; there's nothing wrong with taking space from people who aren't good for you. It's not a judgment thing... just a self-care thing.

On the other hand, tho, sometimes friends don't realize how certain types of joking around are really hurting people. People get into a groove of thinking that it's all in good harmless fun, and don't always know how it's really affecting their friends. Sometimes just letting people know, even just one-on-one, can make a change. We've been lucky, you and i, to have good friends, and sometimes just letting folks know what's up can turn things on a dime. Depends on who they are, i guess.

*shrug* FWIW. I got your back either way, couz. Do what you have to for you and yours.

[mykkel]

Thanks Couz.

'sup?

[mrgeddylee]

I think I'm the only member of the relevant group who reads LJ, so I figure there's a non-zero chance this was directed at me. I certainly hadn't intended to focus on you for ridicule. That's something I can try to be more aware of.

My own participation has been iffy lately, as my understanding of my tastes in gaming has improved. I'm in it because I like gaming with these people and the experience is frequently entertaining, as opposed to Harn, which had started to feel like being crotch-punched by a malevolent deity every session. If Marc showed up one day and said, "Hell with Shadowrun, I'm running DITV," it would be my best gaming moment in two years. I know, sadly, that I am the only one in the group who feels that way.

Re: 'sup?

[mykkel]

Not directed solely at you, no. But yeah, lately, I've been feeling like I'm being mentally crotch-punched by the entire group.

The part that irks me is that I used to look forward to Srun because the story is pretty cool.

Harn is harn, and I'm starting to understand why you disliked playing Daros. I'm ready for the campaign reset button anytime.

I don't get DITV, but I think it's my hate of the setting getting in the way.

Re: 'sup?

[mcniadh]

What is it like when you guys hang out outside of the game? If the majority of your social interaction with this group takes place in a fictional dysfunctional mindset, then the emotions do become real. If you see them regularly outside of the game, then you can interact as yourselves, and get a better idea of whether you really do get along.

Re: 'sup?

[mykkel]

hmm, I haven't been able to hang out outside of gaming in a while.

[merriehaskell]

Er, well, yes. That sucks. I've left a game for that reason before, a long, long time ago

I drift thread now

[mrgeddylee]

It's weird when you have a stupid character (or a whatever character) and somehow, this all becomes a reason to pick on *you*. Like, you must be that stupid because you're making bad choices in a game, choices you'd never make in real life. It's boring to play characters who do everything perfectly. And with that line between being in character and out... it's hard to defend yourself.

Well, maybe yes, maybe no. Different games (in which I include rules, settings, and personalities) have different levels of tolerance for suboptimal approaches. I'll never play an Arb Ninja game with you again, because in his style, going for funny over efficient can get other members of the party killed. If you were in a game that supported choosing funny or dramatic over efficient, on the other hand, I'd do whatever I could to join, because you do make things fun.

Getting back to the original issue, I think that eventually you need to get back to the fun you want to have, figure out what's keeping you from having that fun, and soliciting the

Re: I drift thread now

[mykkel]

I'm for more gaming that supports funny or dramatic.

Re: I drift thread now

[_earthshine_]

Me too, and that can be funny in games that are hardcore into realism. I think that's what mrgeddylee and the Forge folks call Simulationist... i think. Point is, that's fun for some, but in most cases in my life, gaming is about enjoying a story with a group of people. That usually means keeping the group of people involved, which usually means keeping their characters involved. At the expense of plot? Maybe... to a point, at least... but hell i was the worst offender. Strangiato in all of its immature silliness was all about bending the world around the players and not the other way around.

[qrssama]

Seems like you are still sorting this whole "what things feel like" thing out, or you would have talked to people about their treatment of *you* rather than just putting it out here. Maybe just writing it out got some focus about what was really bugging you (the taunting dynamic that can genuinely get out of control sometimes) rather than an element of the game or the plot or the activity? I guess I'm wondering what makes it work better for you - if the people refocus their conversation away from "torment mode" or if the game changes focus away from some element?

[mykkel]

I am still sorting out what I'm feeling. I'm pretty sure that it is the taunting dynamic, which is of course hampered by some in game character issues that can definitely obscure what is going on. I think that I'm reacting to outside the game comments, but it could be partly in game as well.

[qrssama]

Makes sense. My experience (from being outside the group listening in occasionally, and it isn't that group specifically) is that taunts are a norm of communication, and that they go around pretty much evenly, though usually in waves. But, it never feels that way (you'd have to have a note pad and keep score - that was against Marc, that went against J., etc.). If there was a way you could just say "lighten up" or "back off" without escalating the dynamic, that might help your share of it.
Or (another thought), maybe you are more bored of the game aspects of the group and are noticing the interpersonal more as a result? When you have gaming to distract you, the dynamic becomes more background noise?

[simianpower]

I continue to find myself believing that the group would be better off without my participation.
That or the group would just focus on someone else in the group to ridicule non-stop.
Why should I continue to give up a night with my daughter and wife to be ridiculed?

Been there, done that. That's why I left the group a few years ago. When I came back I wasn't the focus of so much sniping, but by the time I left this time it was barely a gaming group anymore, more a forum for discussion of airsoft and/or Eve Online, neither of which I play. It got... unfocused.