FIC - 'Gazing' - Chapter 13 - SB/RL
Title: Gazing
Chapter 13 - 'touching'
Pairing: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama/Romance
Beta: Amber
Previous: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12
James and Sirius wanted to know everything. Remus thought it was a little daunting and quite scary to reveal something he'd kept hidden for all his life, but both James and Sirius had cornered him when he got back to the common room after he'd left the infirmary. Sirius had taken Remus' hand and had dragged him towards the couch in front of the fire where he made Remus sit in the middle so he and James could sit on both sides.
“Tell us everything,” James said, his face eager and honest.
Remus gulped audibly, turning his head from James to Sirius, his mouth opening and closing involuntarily. “I'm tired,” he suddenly said, when he couldn't think of anything else.
James and Sirius blinked in unison. Then smirked. “Nobody's getting any sleep until you tell us,” James said, and Sirius nodded, inching closer to Remus, closer than James, closer than what was considered 'friendly boundaries'. Remus wasn't bothered by it.
Seeing no way out, Remus sighed loudly, took a deep breath and started telling his story. What his father did, why he got bitten, how much it hurt to transform, how awful it was when he woke up, and how he never remembered any of it.
There was a deep silence once he was finished. James sat back against the end of the couch, seemingly deep in thought. Sirius inched even closer still, quiet, his fingers lightly touching Remus's hand. Remus found the contact comforting. To him, it was the same as if Sirius were voicing his acceptance of him and his condition, and maybe something else. Something that Remus couldn't quite put his finger on. He only knew he wanted more.
“Ok. No problem,” James suddenly said. Remus turned to look at him, and Sirius moved his fingers back.
“No problem what?” Remus asked.
“The werewolf thing. No problem.”
“Really?” Remus asked, disbelieving.
“Really.” James nodded firmly.
“Sirius?” Remus turned towards him, eyes careful, wanting.
Sirius mouth broke into a smile. “You already know I don't care about that.”
Remus had the impulse to throw his arms around Sirius's neck and hug him, but suddenly felt uncomfortable at the thought of James being there to see it and stopped himself. Instead, he smiled.
“Sleep now?” James asked with a grin, standing and heading towards the stairs. Sirius and Remus followed close behind, side by side. James hummed an unknown tune as they went, and halfway through Sirius put his arm over Remus's shoulder. There was nothing foreign or odd about it. Instead, Remus felt utterly grateful for the warmth, the closeness, and subconsciously leaned against Sirius until it was time to part ways. When they did, Remus felt the loss, knew that he wanted the touch, needed it. He just didn't know why.
---
It became almost a game. The touching.
Sirius would find ways for his skin to come in contact with Remus's. Brushing against him as he reached to grab something across the table. Touching Remus's scars whenever he saw them, asking questions about them. Sitting closer than necessary when they were studying. Grabbing Remus's wrist or hand and dragging him when they were late for class.
Remus played too. Intentionally forgetting his quill so he would have to ask Sirius for one so their fingers would touch. Leaning against Sirius when he felt sleepy.
And even so. They were very subtle, as if the game was one that only they understood. Sirius worried above everything else. Worried about the consequences, about what could happen. He knew what it meant to love Remus. The implications, the ostracization; being disown was a guaranteed. He also knew that Remus didn't understand the full meaning of Sirius's touch, those bittersweet teenage impulses.
Sirius wanted to tell Remus more than anything that he loved him. That he wanted more than simple touches and brushes of fingers. But even if Remus returned those touches, even if he seemed to accept them, even if his face broke into a smile when he saw Sirius...
Sirius thought it was too wonderful. Too impossible. Could he really be that lucky?
He was so afraid to do more. To risk losing what he had already. Everything he'd done so far could be taken as sign of a really strong friendship combined with just being a teenager. But he also knew that the longer he didn't do anything, the sooner he would go mad and probably do something really, really stupid and so much worse.
Lucky for Sirius, James was paying attention to his best friend's apparent suffering. Though it was more that James was afraid Sirius would start humping a tree out of sheer desperation, he decided he had to do something, so that very night he sat Sirius and Remus down in the empty common room.
"We have a problem," James announced, crossing his arms around his chest and pouting slightly..
“We do?” Remus asked, his fingers curling subconsciously, his eyes worried.
James noticed. “And it has nothing to do with you being a-” James paused for a second, not wanting to say werewolf in case someone came in, so instead he made his hands like claws and bared his teeth. "-A grrrr." Remus relaxed against the couch, the momentary worry forgotten.
“So what kind of problem is it?” Sirius asked, leaning against Remus as he did so.
“It's kind of your problem, Sirius,” James revealed, “something to do with Remus.”
Remus blinked blankly at James and tilted his head a little, not understanding what could possibly be a problem between him and Sirius. Beside him, Sirius's eyes had widened considerably at James, who was grinning a little evilly because of the look on Sirius's face.
“What is the problem with Sirius?” Remus asked innocently. The words became instant fear on Sirius' ears.
“The problem,” James started to say, and just then Sirius gave him a panicked, desperate look. Please don't tell. Please don't tell. James opened his mouth and closed it. He sighed. "The problem is Sirius hasn't done his part in helping you, Remus, officially become part of our gang,” James concocted on the last second. Sirius took a deep, silent breath of relief.
They spent a few more minutes planning what they could do to 'initiate' Remus, but eventually sleepiness won out and they decided to halt their planning until the next day.
Remus waved goodbye at them where they parted ways, and Sirius, like always, kept starring at the spot Remus had once been longer than necessary.
“You are going to do something,” James said in Sirius's ear, making Sirius jump and turn quickly to meet James's frowning face. “I don't care what it is,” James continued, “but you are doing something about Remus. I don't care if you tell him, or dump him, or just randomly grab his face and kiss him. But you have to do something before I go insane from watching you go insane. Got it?”
Sirius blinked, gulped, and nodded once.
James backed away slightly and started to turn around to go to their room. “Soon,” he added before starting up the stairs. “If you don't do something soon, I will,” he finished and disappeared around the spiral staircase.
Sirius leaned against the wall, glancing momentarily at Remus's door, wondering what the heck he was going to do. He had no idea. He only knew he had to do something, just like James had said, because Remus deserved at least that, and there was no way he was letting James do it for him. If anybody told Remus that Sirius loved him, it was going to be Sirius himself.
Chapter 13 - 'touching'
Pairing: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Drama/Romance
Beta: Amber
Previous: 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12
James and Sirius wanted to know everything. Remus thought it was a little daunting and quite scary to reveal something he'd kept hidden for all his life, but both James and Sirius had cornered him when he got back to the common room after he'd left the infirmary. Sirius had taken Remus' hand and had dragged him towards the couch in front of the fire where he made Remus sit in the middle so he and James could sit on both sides.
“Tell us everything,” James said, his face eager and honest.
Remus gulped audibly, turning his head from James to Sirius, his mouth opening and closing involuntarily. “I'm tired,” he suddenly said, when he couldn't think of anything else.
James and Sirius blinked in unison. Then smirked. “Nobody's getting any sleep until you tell us,” James said, and Sirius nodded, inching closer to Remus, closer than James, closer than what was considered 'friendly boundaries'. Remus wasn't bothered by it.
Seeing no way out, Remus sighed loudly, took a deep breath and started telling his story. What his father did, why he got bitten, how much it hurt to transform, how awful it was when he woke up, and how he never remembered any of it.
There was a deep silence once he was finished. James sat back against the end of the couch, seemingly deep in thought. Sirius inched even closer still, quiet, his fingers lightly touching Remus's hand. Remus found the contact comforting. To him, it was the same as if Sirius were voicing his acceptance of him and his condition, and maybe something else. Something that Remus couldn't quite put his finger on. He only knew he wanted more.
“Ok. No problem,” James suddenly said. Remus turned to look at him, and Sirius moved his fingers back.
“No problem what?” Remus asked.
“The werewolf thing. No problem.”
“Really?” Remus asked, disbelieving.
“Really.” James nodded firmly.
“Sirius?” Remus turned towards him, eyes careful, wanting.
Sirius mouth broke into a smile. “You already know I don't care about that.”
Remus had the impulse to throw his arms around Sirius's neck and hug him, but suddenly felt uncomfortable at the thought of James being there to see it and stopped himself. Instead, he smiled.
“Sleep now?” James asked with a grin, standing and heading towards the stairs. Sirius and Remus followed close behind, side by side. James hummed an unknown tune as they went, and halfway through Sirius put his arm over Remus's shoulder. There was nothing foreign or odd about it. Instead, Remus felt utterly grateful for the warmth, the closeness, and subconsciously leaned against Sirius until it was time to part ways. When they did, Remus felt the loss, knew that he wanted the touch, needed it. He just didn't know why.
---
It became almost a game. The touching.
Sirius would find ways for his skin to come in contact with Remus's. Brushing against him as he reached to grab something across the table. Touching Remus's scars whenever he saw them, asking questions about them. Sitting closer than necessary when they were studying. Grabbing Remus's wrist or hand and dragging him when they were late for class.
Remus played too. Intentionally forgetting his quill so he would have to ask Sirius for one so their fingers would touch. Leaning against Sirius when he felt sleepy.
And even so. They were very subtle, as if the game was one that only they understood. Sirius worried above everything else. Worried about the consequences, about what could happen. He knew what it meant to love Remus. The implications, the ostracization; being disown was a guaranteed. He also knew that Remus didn't understand the full meaning of Sirius's touch, those bittersweet teenage impulses.
Sirius wanted to tell Remus more than anything that he loved him. That he wanted more than simple touches and brushes of fingers. But even if Remus returned those touches, even if he seemed to accept them, even if his face broke into a smile when he saw Sirius...
Sirius thought it was too wonderful. Too impossible. Could he really be that lucky?
He was so afraid to do more. To risk losing what he had already. Everything he'd done so far could be taken as sign of a really strong friendship combined with just being a teenager. But he also knew that the longer he didn't do anything, the sooner he would go mad and probably do something really, really stupid and so much worse.
Lucky for Sirius, James was paying attention to his best friend's apparent suffering. Though it was more that James was afraid Sirius would start humping a tree out of sheer desperation, he decided he had to do something, so that very night he sat Sirius and Remus down in the empty common room.
"We have a problem," James announced, crossing his arms around his chest and pouting slightly..
“We do?” Remus asked, his fingers curling subconsciously, his eyes worried.
James noticed. “And it has nothing to do with you being a-” James paused for a second, not wanting to say werewolf in case someone came in, so instead he made his hands like claws and bared his teeth. "-A grrrr." Remus relaxed against the couch, the momentary worry forgotten.
“So what kind of problem is it?” Sirius asked, leaning against Remus as he did so.
“It's kind of your problem, Sirius,” James revealed, “something to do with Remus.”
Remus blinked blankly at James and tilted his head a little, not understanding what could possibly be a problem between him and Sirius. Beside him, Sirius's eyes had widened considerably at James, who was grinning a little evilly because of the look on Sirius's face.
“What is the problem with Sirius?” Remus asked innocently. The words became instant fear on Sirius' ears.
“The problem,” James started to say, and just then Sirius gave him a panicked, desperate look. Please don't tell. Please don't tell. James opened his mouth and closed it. He sighed. "The problem is Sirius hasn't done his part in helping you, Remus, officially become part of our gang,” James concocted on the last second. Sirius took a deep, silent breath of relief.
They spent a few more minutes planning what they could do to 'initiate' Remus, but eventually sleepiness won out and they decided to halt their planning until the next day.
Remus waved goodbye at them where they parted ways, and Sirius, like always, kept starring at the spot Remus had once been longer than necessary.
“You are going to do something,” James said in Sirius's ear, making Sirius jump and turn quickly to meet James's frowning face. “I don't care what it is,” James continued, “but you are doing something about Remus. I don't care if you tell him, or dump him, or just randomly grab his face and kiss him. But you have to do something before I go insane from watching you go insane. Got it?”
Sirius blinked, gulped, and nodded once.
James backed away slightly and started to turn around to go to their room. “Soon,” he added before starting up the stairs. “If you don't do something soon, I will,” he finished and disappeared around the spiral staircase.
Sirius leaned against the wall, glancing momentarily at Remus's door, wondering what the heck he was going to do. He had no idea. He only knew he had to do something, just like James had said, because Remus deserved at least that, and there was no way he was letting James do it for him. If anybody told Remus that Sirius loved him, it was going to be Sirius himself.