(no subject)
So I figured everyone who Knows about this deserves and update on my life
i hate it
almost everything about it
I hate my job. My boss told me the other day that I have a listening problem... because I didn't do something that she taught me how to do once right.
I feel like im wasting myself. I always wanted to make a difference in peoples life. And I can't help but feel that there is some job out there that I could be qualified for that would make a difference. Where I could do something worth while that really helps.
Last week was hell. I had a major test in all of my classes. Most of them i got a B in. Cept Research Methods... The one test i was most worried about I boomed. Now keep in mind that I have not gotten lower than a C+ on anything since high school. Because well now I care....then I didnt. I got a 55 on this test. I feel defeated. Like I should just give up and drop out now.
my dad is being so shitty. We never talk unless it is about money. we pretty much both act like we hate each other because we are bitter about the way our relationship is. but we dont do anything about it. i cant help but thinking being so far away and not really trying to defend myself cant be helping. Im sure sue is filling his head with thoughts of how horiable i am. because lets face it thats what she does when i am home. why would it change now.
I called him yesterday because he decided just to mail me all my bills. Like i can afford to pay them. HA I know im coming into adulthood and i need to learn how to take of myself. but just because he got lazy and doesnt care anymore means i have learned or am capable of taking care of myself
So while I was on the phone with him he just casually mentions he is in the hospital because grandpa had a stroke. Ive mentioned a few times outloud and only to christa and sherry but I didnt want to be close to him because i knew he was on his way out. i know thats a horrible thing to say but its true. I feel like everyone pushed this on me and made me forgive him just so he can go and die on me.
my mom has been so amazing since i left. She comes up and visits me. unlike my dad who was 20 min away in lockport. she sents me lil cards of love in the mail and email. She just understands. Shes amazing and i love her and i thank god everyday for her and how close we have become. I don't know what id do without her in my life right now. Its very easy to say what id do without my dad. my life wouldnt be much different right now. but i guess thats both our faults. im just sick of always being the adult. sometimes i want to be able to just be the childish one
I don't even want to be in human services anymore. I don't do good in it. All the classes I have every taken with in my major I just don't do well with the material. And it's all how to be a social worker. And thats not what I want to do.
I am strongly considering going back to being a psychology major. I did so much better then. I enjoy those classes and have never gotten less that a 93 on anything!
Thing were going well with matt up till last night. I decided i had to forgive him so i started to give just a lil... and well i gave to much. Last night he came up with his girl... or some sort. I geuss I just need to sit him down and help him understand that I can't be that friend for him. He knows I like him. and i know he doesnt me. Thats Fine. I am okay with us just being friends. BUT... he needs to understand I can't be that friends that hes asking me to be. I can't be that friend that he talks about other girls with. I can't be that friends that he comes up with who ever he wants with. I just cant do it. I know im childish im stupid im whatever you want to think. But im also just trying to take care of myself. I cant ignore how i feel about him. I can't ignore that everytime i see him i just want to be with him. i cant deny that i dream about him almost every night. and its just stupid shit too. he just happens to be in them. ugh its so frustrating. But just like that i cant ignore the stomach wrenching feeling i get when ever i see him with a girl that he is intrested in that isnt me. I want to be his friend. But i cant get close to him. im too scared hes already hurt me once. and i wont let myself get that close again. I told my roomates that i need to cut down the time i see him in like half
im happy heather and paul are so happy together. there like 15 year olds. which isnt necessarly a good thing. I dunno just seeing them together so much doesnt help. I feel very alone here. Kelly has like 10 boys she could get at any min. Julie is so happy with justin but hes 3 hours away. and now heather and paul right in front of everyones face. its a lot to handle.
I just want to go home. Im so rundown. For the most part it doesnt seem like anything in my life is right. I just want to go home to my mom and scott and mary grace :(
but i cant.
im going to quit my job soon. As soon as a I find a new one.
or I might just take out a student loan for next semester so I dont have to work
I know I have to quit before x-mas break or else she expects me to work at the store in Rochester. And there is no way in hell that is happening.
hmm what else.
Medaille.... tara and scott= amazing everyone else= forgotten all about me
I think thats all I have in me for now
I will try to keep this more updated then ive been
i hate it
almost everything about it
I hate my job. My boss told me the other day that I have a listening problem... because I didn't do something that she taught me how to do once right.
I feel like im wasting myself. I always wanted to make a difference in peoples life. And I can't help but feel that there is some job out there that I could be qualified for that would make a difference. Where I could do something worth while that really helps.
Last week was hell. I had a major test in all of my classes. Most of them i got a B in. Cept Research Methods... The one test i was most worried about I boomed. Now keep in mind that I have not gotten lower than a C+ on anything since high school. Because well now I care....then I didnt. I got a 55 on this test. I feel defeated. Like I should just give up and drop out now.
my dad is being so shitty. We never talk unless it is about money. we pretty much both act like we hate each other because we are bitter about the way our relationship is. but we dont do anything about it. i cant help but thinking being so far away and not really trying to defend myself cant be helping. Im sure sue is filling his head with thoughts of how horiable i am. because lets face it thats what she does when i am home. why would it change now.
I called him yesterday because he decided just to mail me all my bills. Like i can afford to pay them. HA I know im coming into adulthood and i need to learn how to take of myself. but just because he got lazy and doesnt care anymore means i have learned or am capable of taking care of myself
So while I was on the phone with him he just casually mentions he is in the hospital because grandpa had a stroke. Ive mentioned a few times outloud and only to christa and sherry but I didnt want to be close to him because i knew he was on his way out. i know thats a horrible thing to say but its true. I feel like everyone pushed this on me and made me forgive him just so he can go and die on me.
my mom has been so amazing since i left. She comes up and visits me. unlike my dad who was 20 min away in lockport. she sents me lil cards of love in the mail and email. She just understands. Shes amazing and i love her and i thank god everyday for her and how close we have become. I don't know what id do without her in my life right now. Its very easy to say what id do without my dad. my life wouldnt be much different right now. but i guess thats both our faults. im just sick of always being the adult. sometimes i want to be able to just be the childish one
I don't even want to be in human services anymore. I don't do good in it. All the classes I have every taken with in my major I just don't do well with the material. And it's all how to be a social worker. And thats not what I want to do.
I am strongly considering going back to being a psychology major. I did so much better then. I enjoy those classes and have never gotten less that a 93 on anything!
Thing were going well with matt up till last night. I decided i had to forgive him so i started to give just a lil... and well i gave to much. Last night he came up with his girl... or some sort. I geuss I just need to sit him down and help him understand that I can't be that friend for him. He knows I like him. and i know he doesnt me. Thats Fine. I am okay with us just being friends. BUT... he needs to understand I can't be that friends that hes asking me to be. I can't be that friend that he talks about other girls with. I can't be that friends that he comes up with who ever he wants with. I just cant do it. I know im childish im stupid im whatever you want to think. But im also just trying to take care of myself. I cant ignore how i feel about him. I can't ignore that everytime i see him i just want to be with him. i cant deny that i dream about him almost every night. and its just stupid shit too. he just happens to be in them. ugh its so frustrating. But just like that i cant ignore the stomach wrenching feeling i get when ever i see him with a girl that he is intrested in that isnt me. I want to be his friend. But i cant get close to him. im too scared hes already hurt me once. and i wont let myself get that close again. I told my roomates that i need to cut down the time i see him in like half
im happy heather and paul are so happy together. there like 15 year olds. which isnt necessarly a good thing. I dunno just seeing them together so much doesnt help. I feel very alone here. Kelly has like 10 boys she could get at any min. Julie is so happy with justin but hes 3 hours away. and now heather and paul right in front of everyones face. its a lot to handle.
I just want to go home. Im so rundown. For the most part it doesnt seem like anything in my life is right. I just want to go home to my mom and scott and mary grace :(
but i cant.
im going to quit my job soon. As soon as a I find a new one.
or I might just take out a student loan for next semester so I dont have to work
I know I have to quit before x-mas break or else she expects me to work at the store in Rochester. And there is no way in hell that is happening.
hmm what else.
Medaille.... tara and scott= amazing everyone else= forgotten all about me
I think thats all I have in me for now
I will try to keep this more updated then ive been