Two years later. Or thereabouts.
I was just reading back through some of my posts about Kyle... Like, from when he got home from his first sea phase, when we broke up the first time, and when we started talking again... Oh geeze. I wish I could tell Merissa from two years ago to just chill. I wish I could tell Merissa from a year ago to take things more slower. If I hadn't flipped or if he hadn't gotten the wrong idea, or if, and if, and if.....
He's taught me a lot; about myself and about relationships. But honestly, now... I need some time away from him, and anything connected to him. He... How do I say this? He seems to be so confused with who he is, and acts like he needs to have the approval of certain people; to be "cool". He's just not himself anymore. I wish we could start this past year over, but we can't. I wish I could rewind and do things differently, but I can't.
I let myself fall in love with him again. That's not a crime, but it definitly screwed things around a bit. That and the fact that I don't think HE was ready to talk to me again. A year wasn't a long enough time for us to be apart, and then try to be friends again.
This is going to be very hard, and I can say, unfortunatly, that I may slip up, but I am going to try my hardest.
And why? Because all we ever seem to do is fight and have sex. Not that there is anything wrong with sleeping together, but I just... I'm never totally satisfied, and not meaning concerning sex, but concerning the fact that I'd like to have my [supposidly] best friend show me some kind of attention. [You know what I mean.] And I don't get that. I'm not kidding, all we do is argue, and then have sex. I think I deserve a little bit more attention than that. He never calls me, he never emails me. If you were trying to make a point, then, WOW!, you made it. Fucking hell.
So. I am not going to talk to him for one month. Yes, I know, that's not a very long time. But baby steps. Who knows, maybe I'll get the hang of it and can lengthen that time? Either way, I just need space from this situation.
I have put way too much effort into something that isn't appriciated.
Yes, the Wreckers. They are the best sappy music for this situation.
Verse 1: Got my headlights shining Down an old dirt road Smoke my cigarettes I should quit, I know The radio's playing Old Country songs Someone's leaving Someone's cheating On and on Bridge: I think I might like The quiet nights Of this empty life Chorus: 'Cause someday, maybe Somebody will love me like I need And someday I won't have to prove 'Cause somebody will see All my worth but until then I'll do just fine on my own With my cigarettes And this old dirt road Verse 2: See I left another Good man tonight I wonder if he'll miss me Lord knows I tried But I think that maybe The thing that I did wrong Was put up with his bullshit For far too long [Bridge & Chorus] I ain't gonna sleep I don't wanna dream About this things that I used to need I ain't gonna cry Or go on living lies I'm just gonna drive 'Cause someday, maybe Somebody will love me Someday I won't have to prove All my worth but until then I'll do just fine on my own With my cigarettes Ohh [Chorus]
PS: But if he wants to call me, go right ahead. I'll talk to him. But I find that situation highly unlikely. Unfortunatly.
He's taught me a lot; about myself and about relationships. But honestly, now... I need some time away from him, and anything connected to him. He... How do I say this? He seems to be so confused with who he is, and acts like he needs to have the approval of certain people; to be "cool". He's just not himself anymore. I wish we could start this past year over, but we can't. I wish I could rewind and do things differently, but I can't.
I let myself fall in love with him again. That's not a crime, but it definitly screwed things around a bit. That and the fact that I don't think HE was ready to talk to me again. A year wasn't a long enough time for us to be apart, and then try to be friends again.
This is going to be very hard, and I can say, unfortunatly, that I may slip up, but I am going to try my hardest.
And why? Because all we ever seem to do is fight and have sex. Not that there is anything wrong with sleeping together, but I just... I'm never totally satisfied, and not meaning concerning sex, but concerning the fact that I'd like to have my [supposidly] best friend show me some kind of attention. [You know what I mean.] And I don't get that. I'm not kidding, all we do is argue, and then have sex. I think I deserve a little bit more attention than that. He never calls me, he never emails me. If you were trying to make a point, then, WOW!, you made it. Fucking hell.
So. I am not going to talk to him for one month. Yes, I know, that's not a very long time. But baby steps. Who knows, maybe I'll get the hang of it and can lengthen that time? Either way, I just need space from this situation.
I have put way too much effort into something that isn't appriciated.
Yes, the Wreckers. They are the best sappy music for this situation.
Verse 1: Got my headlights shining Down an old dirt road Smoke my cigarettes I should quit, I know The radio's playing Old Country songs Someone's leaving Someone's cheating On and on Bridge: I think I might like The quiet nights Of this empty life Chorus: 'Cause someday, maybe Somebody will love me like I need And someday I won't have to prove 'Cause somebody will see All my worth but until then I'll do just fine on my own With my cigarettes And this old dirt road Verse 2: See I left another Good man tonight I wonder if he'll miss me Lord knows I tried But I think that maybe The thing that I did wrong Was put up with his bullshit For far too long [Bridge & Chorus] I ain't gonna sleep I don't wanna dream About this things that I used to need I ain't gonna cry Or go on living lies I'm just gonna drive 'Cause someday, maybe Somebody will love me Someday I won't have to prove All my worth but until then I'll do just fine on my own With my cigarettes Ohh [Chorus]
PS: But if he wants to call me, go right ahead. I'll talk to him. But I find that situation highly unlikely. Unfortunatly.