me ranting.... it doesnt really make much sense.... sorry about that.
so today has been really weird. it was one of those days where everything was sort of a blurr. not a drunken or high blurr, just... i cant really explain it. it felt like i was missing something the entire time. yet at the same time i have constantly been aware of the things surrounding me. perhaps its my subconious trying to tell me something.
no. theres nothing trying to speak to me, no secret message trying desperately to get out. i am alone. and i notice this everyday as i sit in the cafeteria, while i watch the world age around me, and i become a distant blurr of the past.
the only thing that keeps my sanity still inside me is the fact that i can look around and notice others who seem to have the same ability to blend into the walls. a prime example of the is "dj" andrew corbett. He sits surrounded by people all laughing and talking, yet he sits there and listens. watches. does he consider all of them his friends? could he tell his darkest secrets to any of them? if he were in trouble, would they come to his rescue? or would they laugh at him and leave him in the past lost on the fog? so i think he stays quite for fear that he might not truely have the life he appears to have. bound to silence, dragged down by his fears, covered by a mist of insecurities, yet everyday puts on his happy face mask and continues. ignoring the fading focus on the world around him.
perhaps it is all in my head. my mind holding on to these thoughts and strangling me with them. or perhaps that is my calling. ever since i can remember i was the observer. through all the different stages in my short life. making friends was never too hard for me before. i was able cope. or rather, mold. i was able to become what ever the hell they wanted. and i mean that in no sick way. but if they wanted a girly daydreamer, i become one. an artsy outcast, i became one. a crude, confident girl, i became one. a shoulder to cry on, i become one. a sercret keeper, i became one. i had done this for so long and i fear that now i no longer know who i am. i am a mixture of echoes, faint whispers of who i was, for that day. month. year.
i realized that i have brought this upon myself. i have condemmed myself to being a blurr of the people i once was, so long ago. i will never be seen clearly, because i will never allow it. i fear it. i fear it and i loathe it. and perhaps, there are others out there, who have become victims to their own fears. suppressing themselves for what ever reason. they too are allowing themselves to be taken in by the wavering clouds. maybe all of the uncertainty in the air is what caused the day to become such a blurr.
no. theres nothing trying to speak to me, no secret message trying desperately to get out. i am alone. and i notice this everyday as i sit in the cafeteria, while i watch the world age around me, and i become a distant blurr of the past.
the only thing that keeps my sanity still inside me is the fact that i can look around and notice others who seem to have the same ability to blend into the walls. a prime example of the is "dj" andrew corbett. He sits surrounded by people all laughing and talking, yet he sits there and listens. watches. does he consider all of them his friends? could he tell his darkest secrets to any of them? if he were in trouble, would they come to his rescue? or would they laugh at him and leave him in the past lost on the fog? so i think he stays quite for fear that he might not truely have the life he appears to have. bound to silence, dragged down by his fears, covered by a mist of insecurities, yet everyday puts on his happy face mask and continues. ignoring the fading focus on the world around him.
perhaps it is all in my head. my mind holding on to these thoughts and strangling me with them. or perhaps that is my calling. ever since i can remember i was the observer. through all the different stages in my short life. making friends was never too hard for me before. i was able cope. or rather, mold. i was able to become what ever the hell they wanted. and i mean that in no sick way. but if they wanted a girly daydreamer, i become one. an artsy outcast, i became one. a crude, confident girl, i became one. a shoulder to cry on, i become one. a sercret keeper, i became one. i had done this for so long and i fear that now i no longer know who i am. i am a mixture of echoes, faint whispers of who i was, for that day. month. year.
i realized that i have brought this upon myself. i have condemmed myself to being a blurr of the people i once was, so long ago. i will never be seen clearly, because i will never allow it. i fear it. i fear it and i loathe it. and perhaps, there are others out there, who have become victims to their own fears. suppressing themselves for what ever reason. they too are allowing themselves to be taken in by the wavering clouds. maybe all of the uncertainty in the air is what caused the day to become such a blurr.