sick.. tired and cant sleep
Ok so I decided to bring back my live journal because I need something to sort out my feelings and people in my life are really bias. And as much as I love myspace there is too many people who will be nosy and read it and cause drama.. So I brought LJ back.. So the last two months I’ve been dating this guy.. And were fun.. We do stuff that I’ve missed doing for awhile and we have a lot of fun together.. Some days he is all lovely dovy then other days I feel like just his friend. I mean we don’t have a lot of time togeather and theres soo much I want to do with him it fuckin sucks.. We don’t spend time togeather.. Ahh I hate it.. But I know if we had the time togeather we would have fun.. So of course if you are reading this and know me I always have mixed emotions about every thing in my life. It freakin bugs me.. I really like this guy but I know we don’t have a future. As much as im getting really, really into him.. I have a wall ten feet high around my heart. Instead of giving him my full attention.. I’ve just figured were doomed from the start. So, I still talk to Ryan ( the love of my life) which I really really know isnt the best for me to do. Because hes only there as my security blanket.. I know we will never be Ryan and Morgan again .. Same jersey number 11.. Baseball.. Softball same music ..in love with all the same stuff as we were.. You can just see it in the way we talk to each other and the way we don’t really care if we go weeks without talking.. But we will still talk and I will still hang out with him because im alone and im scared of getting hurt.. So instead of just maybe letting go and if this boy hurts me.. Be like hey I’ve been here before and pick up my heart and fix it.. I still pretend im in love with Ryan and I still want him.. I do I want the Ryan and Morgan thing.. But not with Ryan with someone new that I don’t have past with!!!!!!!!!!!! so this guy im with and I have past together.. He dated someone I know pretty well.. Which makes me insecure because he still talks to her like 3 times a week.. Who does that?? Lol.. He tells me when he talks to her he is mean to her and tells her oh you chose where you are and its your fault.. I feel like him saying stuff like that makes him not over her.. I just don’t get how you cant be over someone that treats you that way.. That only calls you behind her boyfriends back.. I don’t get it .. But who got Ryan and I this last two years.. Noone did.. My friends got so fed up with it ... and frankly im fed up with it too.. I love him.. To death.. I knew it pretty much from the day that I broke up with him and I went to work feeling the way that I felt.. But im over him.. I mean if we were to talk again it would be like starting over.. It would be like I met this guy Ryan, hes cute, what does he have to offer because we have grown into two separate people from when we were in high school. I’ve tried to break up with this guy twice already.. But I don’t know if im scared to be alone or if I really like this guy.. I shouldn’t be scared to be alone I’ve been alone for awhile.. Pretty much 2 years and I’ve been fine.......today we had a weird talk about getting married.. Not us getting married but like just in general about stuff.. Like he basically told me “isnt it weird that you spend soo much time and money into dating people.. When from the begging you know that there not the one. Don’t you think that when you meet the one you fall in love with them right away.. So you spend all this time with someone just because its convenient.. Knowing you will never getting married.. Or be in love” I just feel like what am I a convince for him.. Like we don’t have to be together we could be just friends and be able to date other people.. So we can find someone we both want to be in love with.. Fuck I want that.. I want to find someone that cares for me and will cry if I die.. What kind of shit is this.. So why am I with him.. I mean I don’t expect him after two months of being togeather to be like I love you..one day I want to marry you.. Im not even thinking like hey I want to get married anytime soon.. I don’t even know anything about weddings or if I will ever find someone I could be with forever.. Im still tring to figure out myself .. Im freakin too young for thinking about stuff like that.. Its just the fact that what is the real point of dating him If there isnt that chance.. So its like what???..... hey I’ve spent sooo many years with you.. But still you don’t love me enough to marry me .. Or better yet love me.. It s just like I know I can date other guys I have other guys that care for me around.. So why am I wasting time with him if he really doesn’t care all that much and were soo fuckin DRAMA from like day one.. I mean I freakin really like this guy and ya I cause a lot of dum fights all ready.. For what reason my insecurities of him not liking me... I just want to take a deep breath and just give someone my all.. To like look at a guy and be like hey im going do what I use to do.. And have energy to show him how I feel. To be not mad when we does lame boy things.. That I know its just because hes a boy!!!!!!. I think he expects me to be like his ex and im not.. When im with someone im pretty much devoted to that one person.. Thats all that runs through my head is him.. But latley I’ve been acting like his ex.. Talking to other guys.. Tring to make it ok.. I just want to know should I be with him.. Or should I be alone.. I want to know if hes putting up a wall because his ex hurt him sooo much.. Or if hes really like the way he acts doesn’t care that I talk to Ryan and only gets mad about one guy and doesnt talk to me all that much because hes scared or not tring to be cligly or if hes just that way.. Or maybe fuck it he realy doesnt care for me all that much and hes just with me to be with someone.. Im tired and my eyes hurt from crying.. I freakin hate cring.. I have had a good and bad day all in one.. Fuck it im not fixing my errors.. Night