(Untitled)

[myhole]

almost instantly i feel like killing myself. i want to fucking die. i want to fucking die. i want to god damn fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking dieee i want to fucking kill myself god fucking dammit. i fucking hate you. you're so fucking stupid. you're so fucking stupid to both me and you...and i'm so

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itch itch

[sentia]

sigh. ok you might hate me and brad definately already does. but. i was thinking. i'm glad you have brad, like someone you connect with so much. i wish i knew what it was like just to feel as much as you do for him. but. you depend on him alot. and it's not his fault, but it's his nature to control you. it's not always bad, but i don't know how you feel about yourself anymore. we've kinda stopped talking. and your mom controls your life beyond any sensible reason at all. but....it just seems that when something with brad goes wrong your whole self is lost. i miss parts of shannon that have gone away....like..at times it's fine but i still know that you have this emptiness inside where you still know you don't have control over parts of yourself. and when you get out of your house i'm afraid you'll go straight to brad. i want you to, so you can be happy, but i think you need some alone time too. time to just be in control of your own life. all of us, lauren and sarah and i,can see you striving to control something. basically that is why they have stopped being as friendly to you. becuase you just take control of things when we're together and seem to think of yourself as the leader too much. it's fine for an amount of time and then after a while it just gets to be too much. i know you have a strong will, but you care so much for brad that you let him affect you lots. and it's the same way with him sorta. he has his own thoughts and wants to do things his way, but loves you. i don't know. i want to talk sometime. i'm not saying i can help, or acting like i've got this figured out because that's not even what i'm going for at all. i just want to be able to talk to you again. sorry i wrote this on here, but i just wanted to get the thoughts outta my head while they're still fresh.