a bread knife is used for saw toothing out my intestines. mm.
yeah...so i'm back...i've got that god awful stomach eating shitiness also...it fucking hurts so bad...it's his fault. it's the fact that i miss him so much. it fucking hurts...i realize tonight how much i've blocked him from my mind. i think the last night was my hearts subconcious goodbye for now. i needed one more time to see and love him knowing all of what lies ahead. i still need to talk to him and see him sometimes...but while i haven't had the opportunity to talk to him i have been pretty good at disguising myself. i sometimes feel guilty but i realize it isn't really a reflection of my feelings towards him, but more or less my coping. i dont know...its hard to look things like this in the eye again. it hurts my tummy. i hurts having to see all of what you had to give up...the only things that ever made you truly happy. so what do you do--you find yourself a scapegoat. something to dull the pain and preoccupy your heavy and wandering mind. it fucking hurts. its layed out now that my escapes are meaningless and wasteful of my time...nothing really matters again i soon realize. i just want what i had back. is that so much to ask? gah...