sitting down at my computer
it was yesterday, and the day before that. oh, and the last couple of weeks. and maybe as far back as june. and april and may.
sitting there, getting to all my emails yet unsent. first, checking the emails unread. dividing my immediate attention.
checking who is online, starting a chat, skimming my lj, the websites, your blogs, and i always need to look at the weather for tomorrow. work tomorrow.
when i get back from the searches prompted by varying immediate needs - sustinance, boots laid open to dry, dinner tonight, lunch tomorrow - i sit down at my computer. i start a chat. i start an email. i think about a reply, i stir up some ideas, i remember i need to look up something.
i miss someone, i am reminded of someone else, i was meaning to call edmonton - what time is it in edmonton now? too early or too late?
then several hundred things, all vying for my attention. me, not wanting to miss any one of them, not wanting to slack on my household input, my boyfriend maintenence, or my courtney maintenence.
wanting to start a bunch of things, keep working on another bunch of things, finish off a few things too.
so i got out of my chair just for a second so i could tend one thing, so i could return and settle into my computing.
but i never seem to get back to anything or anyone lately.
i am feeling rather isolated lately. i know i have all these friends, but i can't seem to catch up with anyone, can't seem to meet up or make plans with anyone.
like i'm not quite here. 'here' being in my life. just flitting in and out of connections with everything.
work is better. less hours, less strenuous when i am there. i'm less tired and more in control of it. i've got that pattern set. i am ready for each workday. i remember all the things i need to do.
the deck is full of planty friends. i am now remembering to tend them, remembering to water and tend.
my relationship with daniel is stronger and stronger. comfy. interesting. exciting.
the house is tidy.
and i still seem to have so much of me out of reach. i am not writing. not emails, diaries, letters or essays.
i am not chatting online, i miss the cozy hours i used to spend.
i am not seeing people as often as i'd like, and when i realize i want to see you tomorrow -i don't know if it's likely that you'd be busy, what your schedule is like, what you have been up to. i send out an email to everyone. join me on the weekend for fun? but i am not sure who is around, not sure if there is fun to be had.
it's late. i must get to bed.
not sure if i have said what i wanted to.
hesitation.
and i come back to it, almost forgot it again today.
trying to make that connection
i think if i re-read, spellcheck or edit, i'll end up somewhere in late august and wonder where i was, and how i didn't get back to that rambling ponder i was on.
hope to be in stabile connections with you soon.
post and i'm off again.
sitting there, getting to all my emails yet unsent. first, checking the emails unread. dividing my immediate attention.
checking who is online, starting a chat, skimming my lj, the websites, your blogs, and i always need to look at the weather for tomorrow. work tomorrow.
when i get back from the searches prompted by varying immediate needs - sustinance, boots laid open to dry, dinner tonight, lunch tomorrow - i sit down at my computer. i start a chat. i start an email. i think about a reply, i stir up some ideas, i remember i need to look up something.
i miss someone, i am reminded of someone else, i was meaning to call edmonton - what time is it in edmonton now? too early or too late?
then several hundred things, all vying for my attention. me, not wanting to miss any one of them, not wanting to slack on my household input, my boyfriend maintenence, or my courtney maintenence.
wanting to start a bunch of things, keep working on another bunch of things, finish off a few things too.
so i got out of my chair just for a second so i could tend one thing, so i could return and settle into my computing.
but i never seem to get back to anything or anyone lately.
i am feeling rather isolated lately. i know i have all these friends, but i can't seem to catch up with anyone, can't seem to meet up or make plans with anyone.
like i'm not quite here. 'here' being in my life. just flitting in and out of connections with everything.
work is better. less hours, less strenuous when i am there. i'm less tired and more in control of it. i've got that pattern set. i am ready for each workday. i remember all the things i need to do.
the deck is full of planty friends. i am now remembering to tend them, remembering to water and tend.
my relationship with daniel is stronger and stronger. comfy. interesting. exciting.
the house is tidy.
and i still seem to have so much of me out of reach. i am not writing. not emails, diaries, letters or essays.
i am not chatting online, i miss the cozy hours i used to spend.
i am not seeing people as often as i'd like, and when i realize i want to see you tomorrow -i don't know if it's likely that you'd be busy, what your schedule is like, what you have been up to. i send out an email to everyone. join me on the weekend for fun? but i am not sure who is around, not sure if there is fun to be had.
it's late. i must get to bed.
not sure if i have said what i wanted to.
hesitation.
and i come back to it, almost forgot it again today.
trying to make that connection
i think if i re-read, spellcheck or edit, i'll end up somewhere in late august and wonder where i was, and how i didn't get back to that rambling ponder i was on.
hope to be in stabile connections with you soon.
post and i'm off again.