april made me sad. but i am better now. staying in toronto for the next couple months.
the viscosity of my life seems to have changed somehow. everything seems slightly slower. smooshier. more difficult. it's is harder to get out of bed. harder to leave the house. harder to begin things, harder to finish.
april was a time of slogging labouriously through existance.
in april, i added "i can has cheezeburger?" to my lj friends page. it's totally crapflooding my friends list with ridonkulous captionned kitty photos. at first i was going to delete it. now i love it. i love the 8 - 15 posts per day. each one makes me lol, sometimes at the picture, more often at myself. i know lindsey and angela are with me on this one.
in april, i joined facebook. it is a drama generator. it frightens me. it takes me out to kareoke. it tells me about burlesque shows. i try not to read it. but then i do anyway.
in april, i wanted to move to edmonton. i still do, though i have only made it as far as emailling meaghan and trying to get my resume up to date so i could apply for jobs. again, the apparent stiffness of the world, this strange sort of resistance i keep feeling has been my antagonist. i've accrued too many debts in toronto now to move easily. i am a vixen, a den mother. i feel so tied to this house and these people. i feel like i have to stay and defend my territory. protect my kits and kin. i have a hundred other little points that i keep snagging on. like, i don't know what i would do with the degus, it would be and extra 100$ to fly them out west with me, and i am not totally confident that they would live through it. i just got me a room fit for a courtney-no-duff. the flowers that we planted in the yard are just blooming.
in april, i still cried over duff, still miseed him like crazy. still flew into white hot blinding rages over him. still tried to make him love me again. still tried to make him talk to me again. still tried to win his friendship back. still fretted over him, still wanted to hold him, still wanted to care for him. still waiting for this to heal, still waiting to get over it. still waiting for the hurt to fade. and the worst part is knowing that even if he showed up this very moment, at my door, with open arms, that it still wouldn't fix it. because i lost part of myself, i lost the courtney-and-duff parts of courtney, i didn't just loose duff.
europe is fading from my present conciousness. it drifts into things past. i have so many stories that i didn't write. somany things that i didn't tell you, so many things that i could not share that kept me from writing anymore about it. i didn't not want to conceal the way i was feeling, but i could not think of the right way to say it without causing waves that i didn't think i could ride out. so rather than write and lie, or write and be true, i omitted my stories. toronto is finally beginning to green up and become verdant. i miss the winter lushness and the freedom of my trip. in europe i concerned myself with very few responsibilites and criteria. there was what i wanted today, what erika was doing, 20 euros and the time i had left. here there is so much more that i feel i must answer to, must respond to.
and i have spend the month becoming more surely, more deliberately in love with daniel. he's been picking me up when i fall to pieces. hiding me when i get overwhelmed. holding me.
and i am trying to ressurect family night. wednesday nights, 7pm. at stan's bar and grill bloor and ossington. we're in tight with the waitress. she'll make us anything we want. last week we had lasagna. cheap beer too.
i am taking the pig and rabbit out for walks in the yard. and thus becoming more of a spectacle for the neighbours than i'd like.
i am going for bike rides and walks.
i applied for a job, and didnt' get it.
i went to montreal, and had an amazing time with lee and annu.
i dream vivid and disturbing and glorious and frightening things.
i try to shake this weight and find the means to storm through my life. or at least reduce the viscosity and begin to move freely again.
april was a time of slogging labouriously through existance.
in april, i added "i can has cheezeburger?" to my lj friends page. it's totally crapflooding my friends list with ridonkulous captionned kitty photos. at first i was going to delete it. now i love it. i love the 8 - 15 posts per day. each one makes me lol, sometimes at the picture, more often at myself. i know lindsey and angela are with me on this one.
in april, i joined facebook. it is a drama generator. it frightens me. it takes me out to kareoke. it tells me about burlesque shows. i try not to read it. but then i do anyway.
in april, i wanted to move to edmonton. i still do, though i have only made it as far as emailling meaghan and trying to get my resume up to date so i could apply for jobs. again, the apparent stiffness of the world, this strange sort of resistance i keep feeling has been my antagonist. i've accrued too many debts in toronto now to move easily. i am a vixen, a den mother. i feel so tied to this house and these people. i feel like i have to stay and defend my territory. protect my kits and kin. i have a hundred other little points that i keep snagging on. like, i don't know what i would do with the degus, it would be and extra 100$ to fly them out west with me, and i am not totally confident that they would live through it. i just got me a room fit for a courtney-no-duff. the flowers that we planted in the yard are just blooming.
in april, i still cried over duff, still miseed him like crazy. still flew into white hot blinding rages over him. still tried to make him love me again. still tried to make him talk to me again. still tried to win his friendship back. still fretted over him, still wanted to hold him, still wanted to care for him. still waiting for this to heal, still waiting to get over it. still waiting for the hurt to fade. and the worst part is knowing that even if he showed up this very moment, at my door, with open arms, that it still wouldn't fix it. because i lost part of myself, i lost the courtney-and-duff parts of courtney, i didn't just loose duff.
europe is fading from my present conciousness. it drifts into things past. i have so many stories that i didn't write. somany things that i didn't tell you, so many things that i could not share that kept me from writing anymore about it. i didn't not want to conceal the way i was feeling, but i could not think of the right way to say it without causing waves that i didn't think i could ride out. so rather than write and lie, or write and be true, i omitted my stories. toronto is finally beginning to green up and become verdant. i miss the winter lushness and the freedom of my trip. in europe i concerned myself with very few responsibilites and criteria. there was what i wanted today, what erika was doing, 20 euros and the time i had left. here there is so much more that i feel i must answer to, must respond to.
and i have spend the month becoming more surely, more deliberately in love with daniel. he's been picking me up when i fall to pieces. hiding me when i get overwhelmed. holding me.
and i am trying to ressurect family night. wednesday nights, 7pm. at stan's bar and grill bloor and ossington. we're in tight with the waitress. she'll make us anything we want. last week we had lasagna. cheap beer too.
i am taking the pig and rabbit out for walks in the yard. and thus becoming more of a spectacle for the neighbours than i'd like.
i am going for bike rides and walks.
i applied for a job, and didnt' get it.
i went to montreal, and had an amazing time with lee and annu.
i dream vivid and disturbing and glorious and frightening things.
i try to shake this weight and find the means to storm through my life. or at least reduce the viscosity and begin to move freely again.