i know for sure that i'm not sure what i know
goddamnit. goddamnit.
i wish i knew what the fuck is wrong with me?
i wish i knew who was turrning the spool and spinning my resolution in circles, i am trying to hold on to just one thing, just one thing to keep me away, and your absence helps me, to ignore that i love you, to ignore that i can't just forget four years, where i watched you grow, despite the mess you made...
secrets kill me...
i don't want to deceive, i don't want to deceive, i don't want to deceive. but i can't even tell if i'm deceiving me. the good memories are surfacing, i'm remembering smiles, but the tears are scarred, this can't be my fate, because it's already too late. you made me wait, when i held my breath for you. i managed to escape with need still tracing in my veins, with everything i knew pulling at me, without you ever lifting a single finger, i went, i came back, i built and you destroyed, and it always ends up in some you, in some thought, in some feeling, fleeting in some moment, i surrender to your attack, slightly intoxicated, i want more, now completely sober, i wish it wasn't so, tears come to my eyes, and then they run away. there are so many things i could never say. i cradle my head, it's filled with disease, i shut my eyes tighter than my fists, nothing changes when i realease, my grip on self-control, my attempts at staying numb. redesigning fingernails, fixated on my thumbs, watching myself disappear, under a pile of blankets, and starving much, for less than i can afford. i'm looking for the words, to pinpoint the sense of making sense on the greeting card aisle, the need to give more and more to you. i demand to know why country music makes me cry, why i am not thrown off by size, i'm used to smaller things, i deserved a bigger love, they say you can't have everything, but sometimes i think not even everything would be enough. let's just think about right now, let's think of right, of how things should be, your skin should be at reach,
and she...
she had the power to take me away from everything, i loved how it felt to runaway, to break free, of the binding expectations of age, i could almost forget she caused the rage, the pain, i was running from... then her face would turn, and burn, a red of demons on the loose, and purpled skin to bruise, and i took it all in, like a mother fucking drain, flushing into my brain, all the shit she had to dispence, till nothing else made sense.
this is how it's supposed to be,
no, no way, you can't fool me
pull the lever this one time backwards, clog me up enough to puke, i want you to give me back everything i ever gave to you, i want to return the favor, without a return address, so that it may forever leave you without a home. you think you feel alone? you have never known what alone is, you have surrounded yourself with beer bottles and kept the conversation going long after you drank them all, your roof was built of smoke, and in your daze, you believed it sheletered you from the rain, while you can't tell night from day...
thinking of you makes me
very uneasy,
and
very very afraid.
toast for me, for the mistakes you made, drink up so that i never forget why i left that day, dedicate your song to me, say my name under your breath, i am victim to your policies, of how you have the right to be, but you were ever so mistaken, if you thought your ways guaranteed me.
on the shelf of a thrift shop, where a bell rings when you go through the door, in this store i don't know what's in store for me... i never gather dust, the same old kind, pick me up with a clever line, swear on everything that they are mine, and then put me on a shelf, themselves.
this is chaotic and destructive, no good can come out of it. she said you had a good reason, she asked me what if, i love you a minute, the next i'm clenching my teeth. i don't know what i want anymore, i don't even know what i am hoping for. this is much too big for him to bring it out of me. perhaps i'm just naturally inclined to misery.
let's just all be left in doubt.
cause i've got nothing figured out.
i wish i knew what the fuck is wrong with me?
i wish i knew who was turrning the spool and spinning my resolution in circles, i am trying to hold on to just one thing, just one thing to keep me away, and your absence helps me, to ignore that i love you, to ignore that i can't just forget four years, where i watched you grow, despite the mess you made...
secrets kill me...
i don't want to deceive, i don't want to deceive, i don't want to deceive. but i can't even tell if i'm deceiving me. the good memories are surfacing, i'm remembering smiles, but the tears are scarred, this can't be my fate, because it's already too late. you made me wait, when i held my breath for you. i managed to escape with need still tracing in my veins, with everything i knew pulling at me, without you ever lifting a single finger, i went, i came back, i built and you destroyed, and it always ends up in some you, in some thought, in some feeling, fleeting in some moment, i surrender to your attack, slightly intoxicated, i want more, now completely sober, i wish it wasn't so, tears come to my eyes, and then they run away. there are so many things i could never say. i cradle my head, it's filled with disease, i shut my eyes tighter than my fists, nothing changes when i realease, my grip on self-control, my attempts at staying numb. redesigning fingernails, fixated on my thumbs, watching myself disappear, under a pile of blankets, and starving much, for less than i can afford. i'm looking for the words, to pinpoint the sense of making sense on the greeting card aisle, the need to give more and more to you. i demand to know why country music makes me cry, why i am not thrown off by size, i'm used to smaller things, i deserved a bigger love, they say you can't have everything, but sometimes i think not even everything would be enough. let's just think about right now, let's think of right, of how things should be, your skin should be at reach,
and she...
she had the power to take me away from everything, i loved how it felt to runaway, to break free, of the binding expectations of age, i could almost forget she caused the rage, the pain, i was running from... then her face would turn, and burn, a red of demons on the loose, and purpled skin to bruise, and i took it all in, like a mother fucking drain, flushing into my brain, all the shit she had to dispence, till nothing else made sense.
this is how it's supposed to be,
no, no way, you can't fool me
pull the lever this one time backwards, clog me up enough to puke, i want you to give me back everything i ever gave to you, i want to return the favor, without a return address, so that it may forever leave you without a home. you think you feel alone? you have never known what alone is, you have surrounded yourself with beer bottles and kept the conversation going long after you drank them all, your roof was built of smoke, and in your daze, you believed it sheletered you from the rain, while you can't tell night from day...
thinking of you makes me
very uneasy,
and
very very afraid.
toast for me, for the mistakes you made, drink up so that i never forget why i left that day, dedicate your song to me, say my name under your breath, i am victim to your policies, of how you have the right to be, but you were ever so mistaken, if you thought your ways guaranteed me.
on the shelf of a thrift shop, where a bell rings when you go through the door, in this store i don't know what's in store for me... i never gather dust, the same old kind, pick me up with a clever line, swear on everything that they are mine, and then put me on a shelf, themselves.
this is chaotic and destructive, no good can come out of it. she said you had a good reason, she asked me what if, i love you a minute, the next i'm clenching my teeth. i don't know what i want anymore, i don't even know what i am hoping for. this is much too big for him to bring it out of me. perhaps i'm just naturally inclined to misery.
let's just all be left in doubt.
cause i've got nothing figured out.