i'm impossible to forget, but i'm hard to remember
i got a new toothbrush this week.
i believe that is the root of all of my problems.
or atleast i hope throwing it out will help.
just basically, i've had the worst week of my life. everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
it's charma, i guess.
the boy of my dreams is going out with the girl of his dreams. [or atleast hanging out with her]
things between myself & several of my bestfriends have been weird.
i have cried almost everyday this week. which is highly unusual.
my grandmother's dog, that has lived with us since she moved out one year ago, dropped dead in the backyard on monday.
my ipod screen is broken. dead. finite.
i am failing geometry. for the nine weeks. for the year.
i have been fighting with my mother non-stop. she has been particulary weird lately.
i haven't seen my father all week. he is working all the mother effing time. & i miss him.
most of my anguish has been triggered by change. i fucking can't cope with change. why, i do not know. and i need to get used to the fact that everything can, will, and does change. eventually.
i need to stop watching 'elizabethtown'. every time i watch it, i cry more than i did the time before. isn't the crying supposed to decrease when you watch a sad movie more than once? not that it's sad. just thoughtprovoking. and all i've been doing lately is thinking. and crying.
today, was supposed to be good. myself&katherine, along with my mother went out to the stripmall where the horse&hound restuaront is to help jeff film a new cooking show for fox51. not only did i not get paid, i had a sucky time and learned nothing. they were quite disorganized and most of my time was spent tapping garbage bags to the windows to block the sunlight. yes, you must start at the bottom and do the 'hard' work, but every other day in tv we film and produce a live show or two somedays and it goes smoother than day did. i'm just not sure this is what i want to do with my life anymore. or if i ever really wanted to do it in the first place. but if i don't go into film, what am i going to do?
i obviously won't be a mathematician because i'm failing math. or a lawyer or med student because i need good grades to get good scholarships so i can go to a good school. i just don't know. i'm having second thought and now is not the time. or is it?
i get my license in three weeks. i won't have a car. my father will be driving me to school for the rest of my life. and i'm just peachy keen about that. really. i could care less if i get an acura or a bmw the day i get my drivers license, the fact in it's self that i will be a licensed driver is just fine.
i'm terribly anxious. fcat is monday & tuesday and i really hope i don't fuck up. i've felt so strange lately, so i hope i don't freak out and have a crazy anxiety attack because passing is so important. tests are never a problem to me. now all of a sudden life is a problem for me.
the plan is to spend tomorrow trying to bring myself back to the real world and to stop worrying about what everbody else thinks. i get up in the morning for myself and no one else. i get an education for no one but myself. and that is sadly what it comes down to. five years from now am i going to remember some petty quarrel or that day i was so pissed because i did't have a quarter for the gumball machine? probably not. school isn't about friend or frivoulous things; it's about school.
i guess i'm really okay with being a loner. i'm one of those substitute people. all of my bestfriends from different periods in time were coming off of different relationships including the ones i have now. i can't name one person i've been friends with, good friends with, for more than 2 years. and i have had many bestfriends in my time. i'm just a rebound and as soon as people get tired or fed up with me or they have their old one back or a new one to take their place i'm out of the picture. and i guess i should just get used to that.
i need to straighten a few more things out & get away from all of this immaturity.