overly dramatic much???
i held the entire world in my hands and i just let it fall to the ground. i had seen the meaning of life, of what everything was supposed to be like and i felt comfort and warmth and security for the first time in my life. everything was perfect, everything was so surreal. i had the answers, for the first time ever, i had a plan. i knew what i wanted, i knew how to do it. i knew peace, i knew love, i knew friendship. i still do. i always will i suppose. they say you kill the things that you love the most, i didnt just kill it, i smashed it to fucking pieces with a sledgehammer and sat there and watched it bleed and cried. there was nothing i could about it.
all i want is to say sorry, all i want is to go back, all i want is to not feel like this anymore. every waking moment of my life is dedicated to not being this person...not being what i hate. i want nothing more than for people to say "hes the one with a true heart, the one who is loyal, hes a good person. hes honest and sincere." i want to give this to everyone, to you, to me. i want to feel forever thankful, i dont want to feel dead again. i want forever. i want now. so selfish, i suppose.
i want arms wrapped around me, i want trust and committment. ive seen everything and now i want nothing more than "i love you."
and im sitting here, watching myself bleed out, watching the final gasp of air escape my lips and thinking, nice drama. nice element of suspense. and i laugh. because in the end the only person i can blame for killing the world is myself. ive seen comfort and i threw it away, i held you and i laughed and we laughed, and i could have died so many times content and happy. now im dying alone. in this cold room. a fucking computer for a companion. and i know...deep down...nothing will get better, nothing will change. i ran and i ran and i ran.
i had more than i could ever understand, and now i have nothing. what a concept. im king midas...except everything i have is already gold and when i touch it, it crumbles in front of my very eyes. you should see it, its a sad, humorous thing.
color me red...color me black. i wish. a steady, bland shade of grey is all i am worth. im destined to watch the rest of my days fade to black alone, watch them disappear before me. someday, somewhere i will be the one to wake up, cold and old, and say to myself, "my entire existence has been in vain. ive done nothing but hurt people, ive lived a shallow life, and i wallow in self pity."
but i dont...
i dont feel sorry for myself. ive tried time and time again to make this world better, to give back something. and i fail. im not sad for myself, more regretful than anything. i couldnt do better. for fucks sake, i dont even use punctuation anymore. my efforts were not enough, and the things i tried to do just fell short everytime. im am the classic underacheiving overacheiver. and it will never be enough, never be good enough. if i could take all the love i have in me, in my heart and just let it fall over the world, even if it killed me, it might save something. somewhere, a flower would bloom. or a buttefly would open its wings. or a child would laugh. or maybe a first kiss would be shared. id die for this...id die for you. if i could do it i would...i wish i knew how. there is too much love inside of me, years ago i never would have believed it...but now i know. its not my fault, i just cant handle it. i dont know what to do about it, i dont know where to turn.
its a wide wide open ocean, life, that is. somewhere out there, im floating. im betting on sharks, if i dont drown first...SOS. sink or swim? save our souls? send out ships? i dont really remember, but it fits nicely now.
alone is a good word...i just would rather not use it, thanks.
and with that, i bid you adieu, to retire to slumber. with any luck the eternal kind, but im afraid i might be too young and healthy for that as of yet. such is life. i miss you, i love you, come back soon please. i dont think ill last too long like this. and thanks for giving all you did to someone who wasnt worth the effort. friday night didnt kill me, but it left me battered, with saturday coming in to finish me off.
all i want is to say sorry, all i want is to go back, all i want is to not feel like this anymore. every waking moment of my life is dedicated to not being this person...not being what i hate. i want nothing more than for people to say "hes the one with a true heart, the one who is loyal, hes a good person. hes honest and sincere." i want to give this to everyone, to you, to me. i want to feel forever thankful, i dont want to feel dead again. i want forever. i want now. so selfish, i suppose.
i want arms wrapped around me, i want trust and committment. ive seen everything and now i want nothing more than "i love you."
and im sitting here, watching myself bleed out, watching the final gasp of air escape my lips and thinking, nice drama. nice element of suspense. and i laugh. because in the end the only person i can blame for killing the world is myself. ive seen comfort and i threw it away, i held you and i laughed and we laughed, and i could have died so many times content and happy. now im dying alone. in this cold room. a fucking computer for a companion. and i know...deep down...nothing will get better, nothing will change. i ran and i ran and i ran.
i had more than i could ever understand, and now i have nothing. what a concept. im king midas...except everything i have is already gold and when i touch it, it crumbles in front of my very eyes. you should see it, its a sad, humorous thing.
color me red...color me black. i wish. a steady, bland shade of grey is all i am worth. im destined to watch the rest of my days fade to black alone, watch them disappear before me. someday, somewhere i will be the one to wake up, cold and old, and say to myself, "my entire existence has been in vain. ive done nothing but hurt people, ive lived a shallow life, and i wallow in self pity."
but i dont...
i dont feel sorry for myself. ive tried time and time again to make this world better, to give back something. and i fail. im not sad for myself, more regretful than anything. i couldnt do better. for fucks sake, i dont even use punctuation anymore. my efforts were not enough, and the things i tried to do just fell short everytime. im am the classic underacheiving overacheiver. and it will never be enough, never be good enough. if i could take all the love i have in me, in my heart and just let it fall over the world, even if it killed me, it might save something. somewhere, a flower would bloom. or a buttefly would open its wings. or a child would laugh. or maybe a first kiss would be shared. id die for this...id die for you. if i could do it i would...i wish i knew how. there is too much love inside of me, years ago i never would have believed it...but now i know. its not my fault, i just cant handle it. i dont know what to do about it, i dont know where to turn.
its a wide wide open ocean, life, that is. somewhere out there, im floating. im betting on sharks, if i dont drown first...SOS. sink or swim? save our souls? send out ships? i dont really remember, but it fits nicely now.
alone is a good word...i just would rather not use it, thanks.
and with that, i bid you adieu, to retire to slumber. with any luck the eternal kind, but im afraid i might be too young and healthy for that as of yet. such is life. i miss you, i love you, come back soon please. i dont think ill last too long like this. and thanks for giving all you did to someone who wasnt worth the effort. friday night didnt kill me, but it left me battered, with saturday coming in to finish me off.