The greatest moments of weakness
She made Mathilda drive her to the cemetery they buried her father in, asked her friend to keep away while she did this. Before anything else, she wanted to go there. It was important to go there. The most important thing in the world to her since her friend had agreed to the little trip to Pittsburgh. She needed to go to that cemetery more than she needed to breathe.
She stops a good distance away to tie a black bandana over her hair, then steels herself to move closer. It takes everything she has in her to walk up to the headstone and kneel down without breaking down. But she manages a weak smile and takes the dog tags from around her neck, folding her hands around them, her fingers brushing the grass.
"Hey, Daddy," she says, quietly. "I didn't bring you any flowers or nothing like that, but...I'm here. That's enough, right?" She presses her lips together and takes a breath, slow and shaky. "I just....I needed to. I don't know. Talk to you, I guess. Even if you can't talk back. I know you can hear me.
"We moved to Middle Area, you know? And Mommy's pregnant. It's kind of gross. And...I'm scared. Really scared. She can make the baby be less like you, and hurt less and miss you less and..... What if she loves me less, Daddy? What if she doesn't need me anymore? I can hardly talk to her as it is, because I'm afraid of hurting her by sounding like you."
Tears well up in her eyes, and she clutches the tags in her hands, biting them back. "And...I'm kind of dating now. You'd like him. He's sweet, and smart, and he doesn't push me. I promise not to do anything to disappoint you." Shifting a bit, she leans against the gravestone, hugging her knees to her chest.
"I have friends again. One of them brought me here. Mommy wouldn't. She says it's too soon to visit you. But I had to come. Math's cool. She's like me. She's my e-sister. I have an e-mommy, too. She's great. I go and cry on her sometimes, when I don't want to bother Mommy. And an e-daddy. Who is also great. And a lot like you. So much like you it hurts sometimes...."
Going quiet, she runs her fingers over the tags in her hands, feeling the letters and numbers printed on it. "I'm confused, Daddy," she finally says, nearly a whisper. "I....okay, I'm sorry. I went to a party. I wasn't supposed to, Mommy said I couldn't go. But I went. And...I got really, really drunk. But....my best friend kissed me, and I don't know what that means. I can't ask Mommy. She'll be so mad that I went. And...I tried talking to Donna, she's my e-mommy, and she didn't know. And she's got her own problems anyway. And...I don't want to bother people with my problems.
"But it's so..." A pause and she bites her lip. "I don't know what to do. I don't know what it means, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it, and I told him it was okay and we could just forget about it, but I can't forget about it and I don't understand it and I hate not understanding. You know that. I'm too much like you to be okay with not getting it."
Her eyes close, and she rests her forehead against her legs, tears dropping down onto her jeans. "Why did you have to die? It was so stupid!" She's angry now, both at him and at herself for breaking down like this. And so, she hits the grass beside her with a fist, sobbing against her knees. "You knew better! You're supposed to stay back! You're not supposed to die! I need you......"
She goes quiet again, just crying violently.