A lot older, & a little wiser.
I finally figured out how to sign on to my LV, after all this time lol. && I just spent the last few hrs reading some of my post from about 7 yrs back. I always thought I handled things good for the time being. But as I was reading the later post I realize I was just a child & I only saw things from one point of view. If the same situations and people were thrown at me now (at age 25) I know I would have handled things much better.... but God had a different plan for me. I met the people I was suppose to meet when I met them. && everything that happened to me happened for a reason, doesn't mean I agree with everything but the path I was given to walk down had a lot of positive things happen from it. *
I often think how life would be different if my mom didn't leave me at 17, I tend to blame her for "my first love" and I breaking up, me falling into alcohol young, me loosing trust in people I love, & I blame her for ever letting me know what it feels like to feel as lonely as I did. Even to this day not having a mom to turn to when things are really happy or tough makes it hard, & a little lonely. Considering I was a mommas girl growing up it made that whole situation much worse.
I know non of my friends ever come on LV any more but I'm hoping I can write this so one day u guys might happen to take a peak at this. Looking back now at this journal & also having yrs to sort out feelings about my mom I wanna say Im sorry to a few of my friends for being so sad all the time and if I ever said anything mean I'm sorry I was learning and being forced into adulthood. Once my mom left me, I felt like I couldn't trust anyone but my bf at the time. Since I was so sad all the time it made him not wanna be around me though. I understand that, trust me. But all I wanted was to feel loved by someone, which in a relationship I thought he would be able to comfort me and talk me through my situation & remind me how much he loved me, but he couldn't it was to hard on him. I shouldn't have put such a heavy load on someone but I was only 17 and he loved me.... Buuuut I also realized in the post that trust and expressing myself was hard, Id rather say I loved the food I ate then saying how much I loved him. I now have learned to trust better, express my self out loud and to always make sure to say I love you a million times so the person never forgets.
If my mom didn't abandon me && go crazy, && I was still mammas little girl, I would probably be done with College, married, with a wonderful Cristian family. I like to dream... But again God had different plans for me. Instead I have gotten to meet tons of new people, travel, hike mt Whitney, live in Humboldt... where Ive met the best friends a girl could ever ask for!! Ive also become really close with my dad :) met a wonderful man, been to EDC, Ive gone to 20 foot bon fires, learned to kayak, gone fishing, found butt slides in Yosemite, && have learned to grow into the beautiful independent woman I am today.
Thinking of your past && ex's isn't always a bad thing, Ive been able to reflect on my past and be thankful for everything that has happened. My life is nothing like I have tried to plan it to be but its my life and I'm really happy how its turning out. I have learned so much about life, people, the outdoors, and my self. Ive become quiet a hippy through the years with my free spirit... but I also love dressing up and wearing my heels out lol. I have a lot on my mind & I know I didnt fully say everything I wanted to or say it how I wanted to but Ill be back on here again.
I had a lot of depressing post in the past, & I just wanna say my attitude has changed so much since then. Even when life doesn't go right (which it seems to never lol) I still smile, and I try to find something positive out of every situation. I can tell I handle things much better & I have really grown a lot. BUT I am no where close to being done with growing & learning & I am so excited to see what God has planned for me in my future.
Over a yr ago I met this really sweet quiet little nerdy boy who gave me a place to live so I wasn't living out of my car anymore. (he was a friend of a friend who I had met once yrs before) We ended up dating 8 months later.... and have now been together for about 7.5 months. I'm still the same old Jessica with a S**t ton of problems, but he is the one person who doesn't seem to mind. He knows I put on a front of being happy even when I'm sad or something is bothering me, but he sees right through it. He wont let me hold anything in, he will hold me until I stop crying, then he'll talk me through things, then he'll say something cute and funny just so he can see that smile again, because if I'm not smiling... hes not gonna have a good day until I smile :) I've got a keeper that's for sure!!
Well I will be back on here tomorrow to read through this long entry I wrote then write anything I may have forgotten. I used to write everyday in My journal since I was a kid... I haven't done something like this in a few yrs, but I feel so much better getting things out in the open. I love writing & I love reflecting. I always wanna figure out a way to better my self. I'm learning to be thankful for everything, to forgive (cuz I'm bad at that cuz I always think I'm right lol) I'm also learning to not stress, to smile even when I'm sad, to be positive & be happy about everything!! and to love deep, & I'm finally figuring out what real love is, & not to believe people false I love You's.
I am me, I am crazy, I am blessed, I am a whole lot of everything all pulled into one, & most importantly I am Jessica Focha, a daughter of Christ, a friend, & apart of a big wonderful family.
xoxoxoxo <3
I often think how life would be different if my mom didn't leave me at 17, I tend to blame her for "my first love" and I breaking up, me falling into alcohol young, me loosing trust in people I love, & I blame her for ever letting me know what it feels like to feel as lonely as I did. Even to this day not having a mom to turn to when things are really happy or tough makes it hard, & a little lonely. Considering I was a mommas girl growing up it made that whole situation much worse.
I know non of my friends ever come on LV any more but I'm hoping I can write this so one day u guys might happen to take a peak at this. Looking back now at this journal & also having yrs to sort out feelings about my mom I wanna say Im sorry to a few of my friends for being so sad all the time and if I ever said anything mean I'm sorry I was learning and being forced into adulthood. Once my mom left me, I felt like I couldn't trust anyone but my bf at the time. Since I was so sad all the time it made him not wanna be around me though. I understand that, trust me. But all I wanted was to feel loved by someone, which in a relationship I thought he would be able to comfort me and talk me through my situation & remind me how much he loved me, but he couldn't it was to hard on him. I shouldn't have put such a heavy load on someone but I was only 17 and he loved me.... Buuuut I also realized in the post that trust and expressing myself was hard, Id rather say I loved the food I ate then saying how much I loved him. I now have learned to trust better, express my self out loud and to always make sure to say I love you a million times so the person never forgets.
If my mom didn't abandon me && go crazy, && I was still mammas little girl, I would probably be done with College, married, with a wonderful Cristian family. I like to dream... But again God had different plans for me. Instead I have gotten to meet tons of new people, travel, hike mt Whitney, live in Humboldt... where Ive met the best friends a girl could ever ask for!! Ive also become really close with my dad :) met a wonderful man, been to EDC, Ive gone to 20 foot bon fires, learned to kayak, gone fishing, found butt slides in Yosemite, && have learned to grow into the beautiful independent woman I am today.
Thinking of your past && ex's isn't always a bad thing, Ive been able to reflect on my past and be thankful for everything that has happened. My life is nothing like I have tried to plan it to be but its my life and I'm really happy how its turning out. I have learned so much about life, people, the outdoors, and my self. Ive become quiet a hippy through the years with my free spirit... but I also love dressing up and wearing my heels out lol. I have a lot on my mind & I know I didnt fully say everything I wanted to or say it how I wanted to but Ill be back on here again.
I had a lot of depressing post in the past, & I just wanna say my attitude has changed so much since then. Even when life doesn't go right (which it seems to never lol) I still smile, and I try to find something positive out of every situation. I can tell I handle things much better & I have really grown a lot. BUT I am no where close to being done with growing & learning & I am so excited to see what God has planned for me in my future.
Over a yr ago I met this really sweet quiet little nerdy boy who gave me a place to live so I wasn't living out of my car anymore. (he was a friend of a friend who I had met once yrs before) We ended up dating 8 months later.... and have now been together for about 7.5 months. I'm still the same old Jessica with a S**t ton of problems, but he is the one person who doesn't seem to mind. He knows I put on a front of being happy even when I'm sad or something is bothering me, but he sees right through it. He wont let me hold anything in, he will hold me until I stop crying, then he'll talk me through things, then he'll say something cute and funny just so he can see that smile again, because if I'm not smiling... hes not gonna have a good day until I smile :) I've got a keeper that's for sure!!
Well I will be back on here tomorrow to read through this long entry I wrote then write anything I may have forgotten. I used to write everyday in My journal since I was a kid... I haven't done something like this in a few yrs, but I feel so much better getting things out in the open. I love writing & I love reflecting. I always wanna figure out a way to better my self. I'm learning to be thankful for everything, to forgive (cuz I'm bad at that cuz I always think I'm right lol) I'm also learning to not stress, to smile even when I'm sad, to be positive & be happy about everything!! and to love deep, & I'm finally figuring out what real love is, & not to believe people false I love You's.
I am me, I am crazy, I am blessed, I am a whole lot of everything all pulled into one, & most importantly I am Jessica Focha, a daughter of Christ, a friend, & apart of a big wonderful family.
xoxoxoxo <3