(no subject)
This has been one of the wierdest weeks I've ever had. I partly know why, but...there's also this great huge indefinable something...
I went to see Christina again on Tuesday. We haven't talked about the rape much, but last time she helped me understand how many other things can be connected to that pain. So this time we talked about a lot of things relating to stress.
A major breakthrough:
I feel like a fake, like one of these days people are going to realize that I'm not, I'm just NOT.
She told me that's been studied (often in grad students)...and it's called an "imposter complex" or something. I feel like I'm not actually so many things, but I'm just good at pretending. Not in the sense of intentionally wearing some kind of facade, but...that's sort of just how it turns out. I'm not those things, when I talk I don't have anything to back it up...I'm just NOT.
I'll work on it, but I really don't see how it's not true. I am an imposter.
Lots of substances as of late. That's one of the major wierd things about this week. I don't believe there's anything WRONG with doing those things...why can't I just be happy and DO them if I'd like?
I want to change things. I need to change things. I mostly don't refer to the substances; although there will DEFINITELY be a major cutback next semester. Seriously, much less for me, and a lot more being with/taking care of my friends, in those situations
I want to change how I think, but mostly how I act. I want finals to be FUCKING DONE and to have scraped by, once again, on sheer luck and last-minute cramming. And I want it to be the last time those two things happen (well, the luck can stay), and to really invest myself in school, to actually LEARN things instead of flying by the seat of my pants.
I want this feeling of sadness to go away, the feeling that has persistently plagued my life the last few months. Why? Why the ups and downs? Ridiculously happy, to utter hopelessness?
Don't know what else to say. I'm done.
I went to see Christina again on Tuesday. We haven't talked about the rape much, but last time she helped me understand how many other things can be connected to that pain. So this time we talked about a lot of things relating to stress.
A major breakthrough:
I feel like a fake, like one of these days people are going to realize that I'm not, I'm just NOT.
She told me that's been studied (often in grad students)...and it's called an "imposter complex" or something. I feel like I'm not actually so many things, but I'm just good at pretending. Not in the sense of intentionally wearing some kind of facade, but...that's sort of just how it turns out. I'm not those things, when I talk I don't have anything to back it up...I'm just NOT.
I'll work on it, but I really don't see how it's not true. I am an imposter.
Lots of substances as of late. That's one of the major wierd things about this week. I don't believe there's anything WRONG with doing those things...why can't I just be happy and DO them if I'd like?
I want to change things. I need to change things. I mostly don't refer to the substances; although there will DEFINITELY be a major cutback next semester. Seriously, much less for me, and a lot more being with/taking care of my friends, in those situations
I want to change how I think, but mostly how I act. I want finals to be FUCKING DONE and to have scraped by, once again, on sheer luck and last-minute cramming. And I want it to be the last time those two things happen (well, the luck can stay), and to really invest myself in school, to actually LEARN things instead of flying by the seat of my pants.
I want this feeling of sadness to go away, the feeling that has persistently plagued my life the last few months. Why? Why the ups and downs? Ridiculously happy, to utter hopelessness?
Don't know what else to say. I'm done.