head is spinning. as in..my thoughts? EVERY WHICH WAY.
I took my math final today. 80 minutes allotted. Class got out at 10:20. We started our test about 5 minutes after class started(which was 9:00), and I was done at about 9:40. Having finished the final (65 or 70 questions-I don't even know) in that amount of time could either mean I knew it and didn't struggle..and got a good grade, or I completely failed. Hrmmph. Speaking of math, I need a P/NP grade in it, instead of a letter grade, in order to get a 3.0, in order to get my license. Ms Seefeld seems to be completely set in her way of not wanting to help me out, at all. I'm going to go in tomorrow and try once again (and I didn't get a chance to take in my review sheets today, I'm hoping she'll accept them). We'll have to see how that one goes.
Reason for needing this 3.0 is that mom won't let me get my license unless I have this set gpa. This is crap. It's cause so long as we are in school, and earning good grades, she pays our car insurance, yet I say that because I'm not earning "good" grades, I'll pay my own insurance. Well, that seems reasonable to me. But no..she won't let me pay my own. Pretty much sticking me in the middle of this catch 22. The next time grades come out is halfway through next year, and by that time I'll be 18 and will have just got my damn license myself and moved out. So pretty much this is ridiculous. I'm staying with K'Dee this summer, and watching Daedrin, and let's say hypothetically something happens. What the hell am I supposed to do? Oh, I'm sorry..I couldn't drive him anywhere..I don't have my license. It's not like I won't be 18 in 6 months, and am more responsible than at least half my siblings when they got licenses. Ugh. I hate this. I hate being treated like I'm so young, and sheltered from shit.
Speaking of being treated like I'm young. My parents STILL try to shade my eyes from things they don't think I'm mature enough to handle. Fuck that. Seriously. I talked to them on the phone last night, and am told I need to get home, so I come home. I come home to my parents and their friends that are staying with us all in the front room talking, and after I've been sitting there, uninformed of anything for a good 5 or 6 minutes, somebody is like I don't know..but do you guys think Kara should know? While I'm sitting there, my mom says she'd rather I not know, I probably couldn't handle it, and shouldn't be given reason to worry the night before a fina. I WAS SITTING RIGHT THERE!! GRR. So finally somebody tells me what the crap is going on in my family, and I feel a little more included. It was about time. Naturally, I didn't want to be home with everyone on edge as much as they were (not that I wasn't, but I wasn't nearly as bad as everyone else). So I left, and took my mind off of things.
I was somewhat fine, and just didn't think about things. I even slept a little last night, and took my math final today..I'm not sure how I did..I'm going tomorrow to both check and convince her to not give me a letter grade. That one classes grade pretty much determines the fate of my life for the next 7 months, at least. Ha-it really sucks knowing that.
Then today came. I was fine. I found Madison and Max after math, and we went and got tea. We then just kicked it for awhile, getting some Sy's (yumm...) and wandered campus for a short while. Max left, and I was with Madison, headed back to South, so I could write a few last minute Writing Assignments for Child Psych. I got them written, got Child Psych to an "A" and left.
After I got home, and was just sitting, having it finally sink in that I had just got home from my last day of my Junior year of high school (I'm a senior now..what?), things that had seemed to have been in the back of my head all day, with me pushing any thoughts out, finally then came forth and i just sat downstairs and cried. (This was due to things i wasn't focusing on..not school ending.)
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Have you ever received news so intense that you not only didn't know how to react, but you couldn't react? That's me right now. This seems like it just..couldn't have happened to me..almost as if I'm watching somebody else have to live through this and deal with it, but not me. But that's just it. It is me. I am living this. And it's just..it's just so numbing, and painful, and tragic I can't respond. So painful I don't feel the pain half the time. It comes in waves. I'll be fine-seemingly unaffected-one minute, and the next I'm crying uncontrollably..unable to stop. I'm going to stop being really vague and just end on that.