Aggrivated
Had my appointment with Dr. P today. I was hoping for more than she gave me. I gained weight, which wasn't a big surprise. She doesn't know what to do now, except she's sent all my stuff to a different doctor down at Boston Children's and having him review it all with a consult with a doctor from Beth Israel. To say I'm frustrated would be a gross understatement. She knew I was upset, but there was nothing she could give me for any sort of answer. I appreciate the honesty and she's really the first doctor who made me feel like she was as frustrated as I am. It's not a "one patient and then onto the next" kinda deal with her. I know shes not happy with not having a diagnosis. It's like not being able to find the last piece of a puzzle or something.
I managed to keep myself together until I was out in the hall, waiting for the elevator. I was crying by the time I was in it, and then really lost it when I got out to the car.
I don't understand anything right now. I feel like, everyone is praying for me. Why isn't it working? Is it because I'm not really sick? Have I actually convinced myself that there's something wrong with me, so much so that my body believes it too, but there's really nothing wrong? I can't live my life like this. I can't. No one has any idea what it feels like on the days I can't breathe, or the days when I'm so tired that I can't do anything. No one understands so they can't totally sympathize or empathize. I am not lazy. I am not a schlup. I am not a slacker. I would like a real job but I can;t do that when one day I'll be fine but the next I feel like I've been hit with a baseball bat in my chest. I can't exactly see any employer being as chill as that.
Being on disability for the rest of my life is not something I thought would be cool to do when I was younger. I hate that we just scrape by every month. I hate that there's absolutely nothing I know to do that would make any of this any easier. I hate everything about it!
And I'm tired. Honestly, I am so tired of fighting every day. I know we all have our crosses to bear, thorns in our sides and all that...but I'm tired. I know I'm pulling away and I don't know how not to right now. I just want to be here at home where I'm comfortable. I can lie down any time I want here and not feel awkward about it. I can kick people out if I need to. I can cry when I want to. Being with too many for too long wears me out. Laughing wears me out. I am as close to a vegetable as a person can be without actually being one. And I refuse to have a life like that.
So until something happens for a diagnosis or whatever, I still have my writing. And my RP. I'll just throw myself into that like I used to. And until I can get myself set up in some games, I have my...weird characters. Who wanted their own website, so from now on I'll be posting in their blog. I'll like to it for ya. Happy reading.
Stranger in a Strange Land
I managed to keep myself together until I was out in the hall, waiting for the elevator. I was crying by the time I was in it, and then really lost it when I got out to the car.
I don't understand anything right now. I feel like, everyone is praying for me. Why isn't it working? Is it because I'm not really sick? Have I actually convinced myself that there's something wrong with me, so much so that my body believes it too, but there's really nothing wrong? I can't live my life like this. I can't. No one has any idea what it feels like on the days I can't breathe, or the days when I'm so tired that I can't do anything. No one understands so they can't totally sympathize or empathize. I am not lazy. I am not a schlup. I am not a slacker. I would like a real job but I can;t do that when one day I'll be fine but the next I feel like I've been hit with a baseball bat in my chest. I can't exactly see any employer being as chill as that.
Being on disability for the rest of my life is not something I thought would be cool to do when I was younger. I hate that we just scrape by every month. I hate that there's absolutely nothing I know to do that would make any of this any easier. I hate everything about it!
And I'm tired. Honestly, I am so tired of fighting every day. I know we all have our crosses to bear, thorns in our sides and all that...but I'm tired. I know I'm pulling away and I don't know how not to right now. I just want to be here at home where I'm comfortable. I can lie down any time I want here and not feel awkward about it. I can kick people out if I need to. I can cry when I want to. Being with too many for too long wears me out. Laughing wears me out. I am as close to a vegetable as a person can be without actually being one. And I refuse to have a life like that.
So until something happens for a diagnosis or whatever, I still have my writing. And my RP. I'll just throw myself into that like I used to. And until I can get myself set up in some games, I have my...weird characters. Who wanted their own website, so from now on I'll be posting in their blog. I'll like to it for ya. Happy reading.
Stranger in a Strange Land