So yesterday happened
I just don't even know where to begin getting my thoughts down here. Let me just say my hands already hurt because it suddenly dropped a million degrees outside and I just jammed my pinkie into my file cabinet reaching for my slippers. Now my dad is the type of person who will drop a spoon on the floor first thing in the morning, you know when he's half awake and can't be held accountable for anything, and go, "UGH! So it's going to be one of THOSE kinds of days." I'm not always like that, but when I am, I AM. Today happens to be "one of those days". So please, feel free to skip what is behind the cut.
No, it's moving. Just stiffly. Good freaking grief, that hurt! Oh wait, I have pain meds that don't work for my hands but they may help with this! Woo!
So yesterday was my psych eval. That should really be enough information right there. Except I need to just have some word vomit so maybe I can stop crying all the time and get on with life. Because seriously? This is really annoying.
The appointment itself was fine. I wasn't nervous or anxious about it or the doctor at all. Which honestly says something right there. When I had my last evaluation I had a panic attack just being alone in a room with a person I didn't know and making sure I answered everything the way I should. It was ridiculous. I used to be ridiculous. But anyway, yeah, the appointment was fine. It was what the appointment meant that was making me wig out. And I told him that. I told him all about how better I am in the mentality department because I really am! Maybe not 100% normal but so much better than before. It was physically that I wasn't doing well. And I said I was afraid he was going to say I was fine, I would lose my benefits and then I would be screwed. He asked me how and I told him.
I said my brain wants to work, my body doesn't. That on days when breathing is bad I get exhausted just standing for ten minutes to do the dishes. That on the days when my hands hurt and nothing helps I pretty much just curl up and cry. I said I could definitely see myself working, except after a few times of calling out because of either of those issues, who would want to keep me on? I would be perpetually looking for employment. So he asked more about the health issues and I explained the breathing stuff, the pulmonary aneurism, the Reither's Syndrome. I am literally at a place where if it's not one thing it's another. I don't think I've had a day where I felt really and truly good since last year.
So we talked about how that affected my mentality and I know he was trying to help me, to get me to say it depressed me to no end, blah blah blah, but I couldn't lie. Yes, some days it does get me down. But it's manageable. And often I can work and focus through it. Most days, not all days, it doesn't control me. And I just could not lie about it. There was a lot of talking, I don't remember it all. He asked me a bunch of questions to test my memory and focus at the end, which I sailed through because I'm not stupid or mentally disorganized. Maybe my scale tips more toward the spacy/flaky side but I'm still not an idiot.
So I left the meeting and drove to Walmart because it was literally the only time I would have on my own to shop. I started crying on the way there, pulled into the parking lot and just sobbed for twenty or so minutes. It was just...not pretty. So I eventually pulled myself together enough to get out of the car and go inside to get what I needed. I think I was halfway through shopping, I was wandering down the pink aisle without even thinking about it (what has happened to me?!) and "Breath of Heaven" came over the speakers. I have always loved that song and it actually managed to make me relax just a little. Until it got to the part in the chorus where the line is, "Breath of heaven, hold me together." And I started to lose it again. So I booked it to the automotive department where there was no one around and had to pull myself together again.
And I've pretty much just been crying ever since. Oh, except for around 12-3 am this morning when I couldn't sleep so I got up and wrote for three hours. On something that will never bring me income. Because, why not?
I am freaking out. Obviously. I'm okay once I have something solid to focus on (like the amazing video I just finished making this morning!!!!) but the second I am distracted or my current project is completed all bets are off. Has anyone seen "Something's Gotta Give?" You know that scene after Harry leaves and she's writing and...why don't I just see if I can find it on YouTube?
Seriously, that has been me since yesterday morning. Oh my gosh, I love that movie so much and just watching that clip has made me happy. Also, I saw there is a new Monster High clip! Yay!
Anyway...so that's what's going on. That's where I'm at. That's why I wasn't around at all yesterday or today. And soon I have to go pretend to be happy with my parents. I wish I could just be real and break down with them but Then I'll get Preacher!Mom and that's not what I need right now.
I'll be on tonight at some point. I'll try to be. But if I come back worse for wear I won't be any good to anyone. >_>
No, it's moving. Just stiffly. Good freaking grief, that hurt! Oh wait, I have pain meds that don't work for my hands but they may help with this! Woo!
So yesterday was my psych eval. That should really be enough information right there. Except I need to just have some word vomit so maybe I can stop crying all the time and get on with life. Because seriously? This is really annoying.
The appointment itself was fine. I wasn't nervous or anxious about it or the doctor at all. Which honestly says something right there. When I had my last evaluation I had a panic attack just being alone in a room with a person I didn't know and making sure I answered everything the way I should. It was ridiculous. I used to be ridiculous. But anyway, yeah, the appointment was fine. It was what the appointment meant that was making me wig out. And I told him that. I told him all about how better I am in the mentality department because I really am! Maybe not 100% normal but so much better than before. It was physically that I wasn't doing well. And I said I was afraid he was going to say I was fine, I would lose my benefits and then I would be screwed. He asked me how and I told him.
I said my brain wants to work, my body doesn't. That on days when breathing is bad I get exhausted just standing for ten minutes to do the dishes. That on the days when my hands hurt and nothing helps I pretty much just curl up and cry. I said I could definitely see myself working, except after a few times of calling out because of either of those issues, who would want to keep me on? I would be perpetually looking for employment. So he asked more about the health issues and I explained the breathing stuff, the pulmonary aneurism, the Reither's Syndrome. I am literally at a place where if it's not one thing it's another. I don't think I've had a day where I felt really and truly good since last year.
So we talked about how that affected my mentality and I know he was trying to help me, to get me to say it depressed me to no end, blah blah blah, but I couldn't lie. Yes, some days it does get me down. But it's manageable. And often I can work and focus through it. Most days, not all days, it doesn't control me. And I just could not lie about it. There was a lot of talking, I don't remember it all. He asked me a bunch of questions to test my memory and focus at the end, which I sailed through because I'm not stupid or mentally disorganized. Maybe my scale tips more toward the spacy/flaky side but I'm still not an idiot.
So I left the meeting and drove to Walmart because it was literally the only time I would have on my own to shop. I started crying on the way there, pulled into the parking lot and just sobbed for twenty or so minutes. It was just...not pretty. So I eventually pulled myself together enough to get out of the car and go inside to get what I needed. I think I was halfway through shopping, I was wandering down the pink aisle without even thinking about it (what has happened to me?!) and "Breath of Heaven" came over the speakers. I have always loved that song and it actually managed to make me relax just a little. Until it got to the part in the chorus where the line is, "Breath of heaven, hold me together." And I started to lose it again. So I booked it to the automotive department where there was no one around and had to pull myself together again.
And I've pretty much just been crying ever since. Oh, except for around 12-3 am this morning when I couldn't sleep so I got up and wrote for three hours. On something that will never bring me income. Because, why not?
I am freaking out. Obviously. I'm okay once I have something solid to focus on (like the amazing video I just finished making this morning!!!!) but the second I am distracted or my current project is completed all bets are off. Has anyone seen "Something's Gotta Give?" You know that scene after Harry leaves and she's writing and...why don't I just see if I can find it on YouTube?
Click to viewSeriously, that has been me since yesterday morning. Oh my gosh, I love that movie so much and just watching that clip has made me happy. Also, I saw there is a new Monster High clip! Yay!
Anyway...so that's what's going on. That's where I'm at. That's why I wasn't around at all yesterday or today. And soon I have to go pretend to be happy with my parents. I wish I could just be real and break down with them but Then I'll get Preacher!Mom and that's not what I need right now.
I'll be on tonight at some point. I'll try to be. But if I come back worse for wear I won't be any good to anyone. >_>