Feeling down this morning
I was going to lock this entry to friends only, but then decided not to because...I don't really know why. It just felt wrong to lock it. Like I'll let people see little tidbits oof me but not all of it? Since when was i afraid of being honest with who I am? So, with some information excluded to protect the innocent, this entry will remain public.
I woke up to some news this morning from a friend that she was pregnant and, despite being really happy for her because she and her husband have been wanting this for awhile now, I couldn't help feeling really sad as well.
I'm struggling right now, not gonna lie. It seems like every other day someone on Facebook is announcing their engagement or a pregnancy, and I'm like...seriously? Why is this not happening for me? I believe and trust that it will happen when God has decided it's the right time, but I'm having a hard time not feeling forgotten. And then I get a church email about a woman contemplating an abortion? I'm having a hard time not losing it. And when I get to this point all the negative self-talk comes in.
Your health is so bad that you're on disability because you can't work. You think you can handle a kid?
Why would you want to inflict yourself and all your issues on someone else?
What man could ever want to love someone as screwed up (mentally and physically) as you?
And I know those things don't come from Christ. I know they come from the enemy and I try really hard not to listen or give in to that kind of thinking, but sometimes I just get so tired of fighting. Bad attitude, I know. I'm not perfect.
I don't want this to sound like whining, because I'm not whining. I'm just sad. And really happy for my friends. I didn't know I could be this happy and this sad at the same time. Seriously, I didn't think it was even possible.
I woke up to some news this morning from a friend that she was pregnant and, despite being really happy for her because she and her husband have been wanting this for awhile now, I couldn't help feeling really sad as well.
I'm struggling right now, not gonna lie. It seems like every other day someone on Facebook is announcing their engagement or a pregnancy, and I'm like...seriously? Why is this not happening for me? I believe and trust that it will happen when God has decided it's the right time, but I'm having a hard time not feeling forgotten. And then I get a church email about a woman contemplating an abortion? I'm having a hard time not losing it. And when I get to this point all the negative self-talk comes in.
Your health is so bad that you're on disability because you can't work. You think you can handle a kid?
Why would you want to inflict yourself and all your issues on someone else?
What man could ever want to love someone as screwed up (mentally and physically) as you?
And I know those things don't come from Christ. I know they come from the enemy and I try really hard not to listen or give in to that kind of thinking, but sometimes I just get so tired of fighting. Bad attitude, I know. I'm not perfect.
I don't want this to sound like whining, because I'm not whining. I'm just sad. And really happy for my friends. I didn't know I could be this happy and this sad at the same time. Seriously, I didn't think it was even possible.