Coffee
I don't know why coffee is able to make things better. Seriously. Is it a chemical reaction or something? Does the caffeine act like a mood stabilizer or what? I have been wound up tighter than a rubber ball all morning, and now, with a fresh cup of coffee in my hand, I feel a little better. I should be at One Voice, but I'm not. I should be a lot of things that I'm not. One of the things I am, I shouldn't be. Confused yet?
Last night, I had such a terrible night of sleep. I woke up one with an aching neck, woke up another time with a POUNDING headache, and woke up a third time hyperventilating. I remember I was having this dream...a bunch of people I knew and myself were at this big, gorgeous white mansion with a pool in the back yard. Despite it being cold, (I knew it was cold because I had a jacket on) we were all out back, sitting around tables and chatting and stuff. I don't know where I was going or where I was coming from, but I was walking by the pool and I started to have a panic attack. Within seconds, it was so bad that I remember thinking in my dream that I was going to die. My heart was beating so fast, and I could not get a single breath in. Well, I didn't die, but I woke up in the throes of that attack.
Getting up this morning to see the rain, I realized Six Flags was out of the picture and that I could go to Scott's funeral. Last night I was actually looking forward to the day, not the funeral itself. I'd just get a ride there and stay until One Voice, going over the choreography by myself until rehearsal actually started. That was the plan. And then I woke up in this awful, anxious state.
It was open to me to go to the funeral and I really wanted to go, but the thought of being in a room packed full of people was making me freak out. Even going to One Voice today was making me mentally nuts. That's not normal! So then an hour or two later, Blue calls and asks if we want to come over for lunch, play some games, and then think about going to see a movie. I do not want to go. But I will. And then I remember the in-laws are back and I feel like I could cry. Which I ended up doing.
Yes, Miss Social Butterfly dissolved into sobs this morning because she didn't want to go hang out with her best friends. Anyone else see anything wrong with that? I don't even want to go to church tomorrow! I'm like...ugh, the idea makes my throat close up and my chest feel tight. All because of this stupid dream.
So now I don't know what to do and how to fix this. I haven't been like this for YEARS and I certainly don't want to go back to that.
Last night, I had such a terrible night of sleep. I woke up one with an aching neck, woke up another time with a POUNDING headache, and woke up a third time hyperventilating. I remember I was having this dream...a bunch of people I knew and myself were at this big, gorgeous white mansion with a pool in the back yard. Despite it being cold, (I knew it was cold because I had a jacket on) we were all out back, sitting around tables and chatting and stuff. I don't know where I was going or where I was coming from, but I was walking by the pool and I started to have a panic attack. Within seconds, it was so bad that I remember thinking in my dream that I was going to die. My heart was beating so fast, and I could not get a single breath in. Well, I didn't die, but I woke up in the throes of that attack.
Getting up this morning to see the rain, I realized Six Flags was out of the picture and that I could go to Scott's funeral. Last night I was actually looking forward to the day, not the funeral itself. I'd just get a ride there and stay until One Voice, going over the choreography by myself until rehearsal actually started. That was the plan. And then I woke up in this awful, anxious state.
It was open to me to go to the funeral and I really wanted to go, but the thought of being in a room packed full of people was making me freak out. Even going to One Voice today was making me mentally nuts. That's not normal! So then an hour or two later, Blue calls and asks if we want to come over for lunch, play some games, and then think about going to see a movie. I do not want to go. But I will. And then I remember the in-laws are back and I feel like I could cry. Which I ended up doing.
Yes, Miss Social Butterfly dissolved into sobs this morning because she didn't want to go hang out with her best friends. Anyone else see anything wrong with that? I don't even want to go to church tomorrow! I'm like...ugh, the idea makes my throat close up and my chest feel tight. All because of this stupid dream.
So now I don't know what to do and how to fix this. I haven't been like this for YEARS and I certainly don't want to go back to that.