i'm a bad egg.
well i guess not being able to sleep during the night even when i'm exhausted has become something of a habit to me. i can only hope somebody will wake up and go online and talk to me. i'm pathetic. i hung out with amanda yesterday. i always say to her, "we suck." but she caught me on it and it hit me that no, we do not suck. i suck. just me. my entries about making myself better and becoming something more than i am go on and on and on. and has anyone seen any changes? nope. and yet here's another one.
i have to clean up my act and start doing things for the better of me. i'm not happy with who i am. but has it really gotten to the point where i don't care enough to do something about it? god, i hope not. i'm taking celexa now. it's making me crave all the foods that i shouldn't eat. and what do i do, with the resistance that i have? i eat the food and gain weight. sometimes, it just seems like there's so much to fix and i get overwhelmed and i fall further down into my little hole. all i know is i need to climb back out of it. i want you to help me. i want everyone to help me. but why would anyone want to help someone whos only hope is realizing that they need to help themselves. i am a mess.
after this whole brian situation kind of bottomed out, and remembering that i just broke up with matt (i'm not sure how i could have forgotten. brian's just always had that effect on me i guess), i finally got to cry a little bit. i'm sad. that's the simplest and the most complex way to put it all. i'm really sad and i've lost sight of the healthy things that used to make me happy. that should still make me happy if i just knew how to care a little bit more.
i have to clean up my act and start doing things for the better of me. i'm not happy with who i am. but has it really gotten to the point where i don't care enough to do something about it? god, i hope not. i'm taking celexa now. it's making me crave all the foods that i shouldn't eat. and what do i do, with the resistance that i have? i eat the food and gain weight. sometimes, it just seems like there's so much to fix and i get overwhelmed and i fall further down into my little hole. all i know is i need to climb back out of it. i want you to help me. i want everyone to help me. but why would anyone want to help someone whos only hope is realizing that they need to help themselves. i am a mess.
after this whole brian situation kind of bottomed out, and remembering that i just broke up with matt (i'm not sure how i could have forgotten. brian's just always had that effect on me i guess), i finally got to cry a little bit. i'm sad. that's the simplest and the most complex way to put it all. i'm really sad and i've lost sight of the healthy things that used to make me happy. that should still make me happy if i just knew how to care a little bit more.