i feel like blah
mother's day is still hard for me. i made it through the day thinking "wow, i'm ok". but by the end of the night i felt like shit for a variey of reasons--it just all came crashing down at the same time. most people think it silly and impractical that i left my job when i did, but i had my reasons for it. years ago, when i was still in school, my mom constantly encouraged me to find a job that would make me MONEY. i understand her reasoning. she wanted to make sure i was secure, that i could take care of myself. but she was always my largest source of support, so no matter how much she disagreed with my decisions, she always supported them and trusted that i would find my way. Then she got sick. Not long after graduating, when i told her i wanted to go to law school, she was so happy and even promised to help me through school if i did. but after doing my internship, when i decided law was not the direction in which i wanted to go, i feared disappointing her with my decision. at which point she told me "i realize that money doesn't matter. as long as you do what makes you happy... that's what's important. if you ever come into a situation where you think you will later look back and regret not doing it (or vice-versa) then you should do it. but only if it will make you happy". i remember crying for hours after that, these words of wisdom coming from a woman who would live only another six months, and vowed to never pass up an opportunity or follow a path i knew i wanted to pursue. and i vowed to not do something if it didn't make me happy.
so for all of you who think my decision to leave starbucks without having something else set up was silly and impractical, well, impractical it may have been, but silly--no. i was unhappy, unhealthy, and thoroughly stressed out over JUST COFFEE. and that was silly. so i made my decision and left, and have absolutely no regrets about it. except now that i have no money :) but it was worth it. i wish i knew what i was meant to do, because i have known that i'm supposed to do something that is bigger (more important) than doing something like serving coffee or selling clothes to people. my favorite part of the job was making a small difference in people's days, and for some of my customers i did just that-- on a particularly bad day they would come in just to talk to me, knowing there would be someone to smile and listen. now if i only knew how to find a way to support myself while having a positive impact on people's lives, even a small one, without it being in the retail management sector, i would put 100% of my effort into pursuing it. but i haven't had the spark of inspiration. Yet.