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Ed and Hank
Baby, it's cold outside...
Note: This would have been posted earlier but Hank was having trouble with his online connection. Disclaimer: Hank told their story to Annie Proulx. Jack and Ennis are all hers. Ed and Hank belong only to each other. Rating: G $$: Nope.
Links to all previous posts are here:
http://myeyesaintblue.livejournal.com/10082.html
Baby, it's cold outside...
"Slow down, Ed... I wanna take a picture..."
"Of what exactly...?"
"Tha' dog... by tha' truck..."
"The one barkin' his fool head off...?"
"'N who can blame him...? The way they got him tied ta tha' tree on tha' short chain... Ev'ry time I been by this place over the past few weeks I seen him out there barkin' his poor ol' head off... withou' no shelter or nothin'... 'n it's startin' ta get cold 'n it's only gonna get colder..."
"I don't get people like tha'... Why the hell do they even got a dog anyways...?"
"Who the hell knows... But we gotta do somethin'..."
"Wha' the hell can we do...?"
"I dunno... But I'm gonna email Betty their address 'n tha' picture so's she knows wha' dog I'm talkin' about... 'n then I'm gonna call her 'n ask wha' can be done... she volunteers at that animal shelter... so's she might have some ideas..."
Later...
"Dammit."
"Wha's wrong, Hank...?"
"I was jus' talkin' ta Betty about tha' dog... 'n she already knew about him... One a the neighbors in tha' subdivision is a friend a hers... 'n she called Betty about him too... Turns out them folks moved in a few weeks ago... 'n they got three dogs... 'n the two l'il ones stay in the house... but that other one... they keep him tied ta tha' tree in the yard day 'n night... 'N they pay plenty of attention ta them other two dogs... but they just ignore the one who's tied ta the tree..."
"Why the hell would folks do tha'...?"
"Why the hell do folks do anythin' stupid they do...? 'N Betty... she went out there yesterday... with another friend who works fer the county's 'Animal Control' department... 'n they talked to them dumbasses... 'n Betty said they tried ta explain ta them how mean it was ta keep a dog like tha'... but she said talkin' ta them was like talkin' to a brick wall... no offense ta brick walls intended..."
"So's... there ain't nothin' they can do...?"
"They can tell 'em they gotta try 'n keep him from barkin' 'n disturbin' the neigbors... 'n they can order 'em ta get the dog some shelter... but they don't got no power ta do nothin' beyond tha'... Not so's long as he's got food 'n water 'n shelter..."
"I tell ya... I'd like ta tie them folks to a tree on real short leashes... 'n never pay them no mind... 'n see how they like it..."
"Yeah. Me too, Ed."
"Well... Least-wise he'll have some shelter now... So's he's better off than he was..."
"That ain't a whole lotta consolation."
"It sure ain't."
A few days later...
"Uh... Hank...?"
"Yeah...?"
"I got yer Christmas present a l'il early..."
"Ya got me somethin' fer Christmas...?"
"Yep. D'ya remember tha' dog...? The one tied ta tha' tree...?"
"'Course I do."
"Well... He's out in the barn... So's... Merry Christmas 'n whatnot..."
"Wha' the hell...? How...?"
"I was drivin' by... 'n them folks were pullin' out... so's I waited 'til they disappeared in my rear view... 'n then I turned around... 'n I went 'n got tha' dog."
"But... How the hell didya do it...? I was thinkin' a doin' somethin' like tha' m'self... but Betty said tha' poor dog seemed half wild... 'n half crazy... 'cause a the way he'd been treated... Hell... she said he lunged fer her 'n tried ta bite her when she got too close... almost got her too... 'n I figured he'd just attack me too if'n I tried ta get near him..."
"Yeah... He was barkin' 'n all upset when I first got close ta him too... but he ain't crazy... he just ain't ever been treated right... so's I jus' talked to him real low 'n real slow 'n real sweet-like... 'n it calmed him down some..."
"Come ta think of it...tha' worked on you up on tha' mountain forty-some years ago..."
"Dumbass."
"'Course... now when you talk ta me like that it jus' gets me all worked up..."
"Dumbass."
"Well it does."
"Ya wanna hear the rest of it... or not...?"
"I sure as hell do wanna hear it."
"'N then I jus' kept on talkin' to him... 'n he let me get a l'il closer... 'n then I gave him some dog treats we had in the truck... 'n then he let me pet him a l'il... 'n then I took a pliers ta tha' chain 'n made it look like a link had broke... 'n then I put him in the truck 'n drove off..."
"Easy as that, huh...?"
"Well it weren't that hard."
"But... did anyone see ya...? Tha' place ain't exactly off by itself..."
"I dunno... I didn't see no one... But I guess tha' don't mean no one saw me..."
"Well... if'n anyone saw ya they prob'bly woulda been cheerin' ya on."
"True 'nough. 'N as fer his owners... I don't think idiots like that are gonna expend too much effort lookin' fer their dog..."
"What about yer big ol' footprints in the snow...? Didya think about tha'...?"
"A lotta tha' snow was good 'n trampled... 'n I stuck ta bare ground when I could... So's ain't nobody gonna be able ta follow my footprints... or the dog's..."
"'N wha' was yer plan if'n they'd a come back before ya made yer getaway...?"
"I didn't exactly have a plan."
"I guess ya just woulda had ta shoot yer way out."
"Dumbass."
"Now let's just hope they don't get another dog 'n tie him ta tha' tree like tha'...."
"If they do... I'll just go 'n get that one too."
"I bet you would."
"Damn right I would."
"Yer my hero, Ed."
"Cut it out, Hank."
"So's... What're we gonna name him...?"
"Well... I don't see as we got no choice... we got Hankthedog 'n Edthedog 'n Iristhecat... so's I figure his name's gotta be..."
"Billthedog."
"Yep."
"But... What if him 'n HankTheDog 'n Edthedog 'n Iristhecat don't get along...?
"I dunno... I guess we can start by introducin' 'em all real slow-like... 'n if'n it ain't workin' out after a while... well then least-wise we can still find Billthedog a good home..."
"Wait a minute..."
"Wha'...?"
"So's... ya said you just happened ta be drivin' by their house just as they were leavin'...? Tha' sure was mighty lucky timin'..."
"Well... I mighta parked 'n waited a l'il while ta see if'n they'd leave... but I didn't gotta wait too long..."
"'N yesterday... when ya took the truck fer a while...? My guess is tha' you were gonna try fer him then... but they didn't leave before you had ta leave..."
"I don't know wha' yer talkin' about."
"Like I said, Ed... yer my hero..."
"Like I said, Hank... cut it the hell out."
Later...
"Well... Tha' went a helluva better than I thought it would..."
"I guess it did go purty good..."
"Wha' the hell didya do, Ed...? Sit 'em all down ahead a time 'n talk all low 'n slow 'n sweet-like to 'em...?"
"I didn't do nothin'."
"Yeah. I bet."
"But ya know... I don't think tha' dog's had a whit a trainin'.... He didn't even know how ta sit when I asked him to..."
"Well I know he does now... I saw ya down on all fours demonstratin' how ta do it fer him..."
"You spyin' on me now...?"
"Any chance I get... Just like always..."
"Well... I didn't wanna force his butt down in order ta teach him... he kinda shakes 'n cowers whenever ya reach a hand out to him as it is..."
"Yeah. I noticed tha' too."
"So's I jus' thought I'd show him... 'N tha' dog ain't dumb... he picked it up real quick-like..."
"Too quick... By the time I ran ta get the camera 'n got back ta take a picture he'd already learned..."
"Dumbass."
"Then I waited around ta see if'n you were gonna show him how ta rollover... but... ta my great disappointment... ya didn't."
"'N I ain't gonna. Anyways... I figured tha' was enough fer one day... 'Specially his first day here..."
"You really seem ta got a way with him, Ed... 'n all other animals too... Hell... Yer a regular Saint... what's his name...? Francis... that's it... Yer a regular Saint Francis of Assisi..."
"I ain't no saint, dumbass... 'N by the way... you should be glad of it..."
"Ya got a point there... But... then I guess yer a regular Dr. Seuss... no... that ain't it... Doctor somethin'... Dr. DooLittle... that's it... 'Ed can talk with the animals, grunt 'n squeak 'n sqawk with the animals'... Too bad... that's all the words I remember..."
"Yeah. That's a real tragedy."
"But... D'ya think Billthedog's okay in the barn...?"
"Fer now anyways... 'n he's got a nice warm bed in a nice warm corner... 'n a way in 'n out... 'n food 'n water..."
"I'm jus' worried we shoulda tied him up so's he couldn't run off..."
"I jus' couldn' bear ta do it. But... I don't think he'll run off... This has gotta be the best he's had it in a long, long time... 'N then once we got him trained some... 'n we're real sure they're all gettin' along good... then we can bring him in the house with the rest of 'em... 'Course... he ain't used ta bein' in a house... so's if'n he'd rather stay in the barn... he can stay in the barn..."
"I betcha he'll be in the house in no time..."
"That's one bet I'd like ya ta win. But..."
"Wha'...?"
"Betty... How 'xactly do we explain ta her how Billthedog got here...?"
"We jus' tell her the truth... Hell... She'll prob'bly bring ya a big ol' pie 'n give ya a big ol' hug..."
"Ya think so...?"
"Yeah. I do. So's, Ed...?"
"Yeah...?"
"How 'bout ya do some a tha' low 'n slow 'n sweet talkin'... ta me...?"
"You need some calmin' down...?"
"Nope. I need some hettin' up."
"I think I could manage tha'..."
"I know ya could. Hold on... Lemme put some music on..."
"I hope you ain't puttin' on tha' Dr. Doolittle song..."
"I ain't... Here..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s65NVftDcCs
"I ain't even gonna ask..."
"'Well I'll tell ya anways... it's Bobby Bare, Jr... 'I look cute at the end of your leash... I'm yer adorable beast'... As I salivate on yer shoes... Obedient 'n true... loyal through 'n through... A fuzzy reflection of you'..."
"If it's all the same ta you... I'd prefer it if'n ya didn't salivate on my shoes."
"'If yer wounded I will lick it... If you feed me I won't ferget it'..."
"You'll lick it, huh...?"
"You betcha. Where's it hurt...?"
"It don't hurt."
"That's okay... I'll lick it anyways."
"I was hopin' ya'd say that..."
"...'I look cute at the end a yer leash... yer adorable beast... ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah... I look cute at the end a yer leash... yer adorable beast... ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah'..."
"'Adorable' 'n 'cute' ain't 'xactly the words tha' comes ta mind..."
"...'I was lost when ya found me... half crazy 'n mangy... But ya cleaned me up and I'm here fer good'..."
"How the hell d'ya know the words ta all these dumbass songs...?"
"I ain't exactly sure."
"But..."
"Wha'...?"
"I jus' think maybe ya got it backwards, Hank... 'S more like I'm the one who was on a leash... 'n not in a good way... more like Billthedog... 'n like the song says... 'half crazy 'n mangy'... 'n yer the one who let me off a tha' leash... up on tha' mountain I mean..."
"Well... I cain't argue with the half crazy part... wha' with all tha' crazy religion yer crazy folks filled yer head up with... but ya weren't mangy... just a l'il scruffy maybe... but mighty fine lookin'... 'n ya still are... fine lookin' I mean... not scruffy... Though now 'n again ya can still get good 'n scruffy lookin'... not that I mind at all... 'cause yer mighty fine lookin' even when yer scruffy lookin' too... maybe more so even..."
"I think maybe yer the crazy one."
"Crazy fer you fer sure... But.... ya know damn well ya unleashed yerself, Ed... I just inspired ya some... 'cause I'm whatcha wanted ta get at..."
"True 'nough... 'N crazy or not... I wouldn' mind gettin' atcha now... but ya got too damn many clothes on..."
"'Course... ya still dragged most a tha' chain along behind ya fer a whole lotta years..."
"Lemme help ya off with them boots... Ya shouldn' be clompin' 'round the house in 'em anyways..."
"But ya know... ya shed a buncha them links when ya fin'lly managed ta move tha' fine ass a yers here... 'N... I gotta admit... ya been sheddin' a fair number a links over these past few years too... In fact... the way I figure it... ya prob'bly only got a few left..."
"Well I'm sorry ta break it to ya... here... put yer arms up so's I can get this t-shirt off a ya... but I'm kinda fond of them remainin' links... so's I think I'll be hangin' onto 'em."
"You go right ahead. They don't bother me none."
"Glad ta hear it... Now... you gonna take them jeans off... or not...?"
"I sure am. So's Ed... how 'bout tonight I teach you a new trick or two..."
"Don't ya know... ya cain't teach an ol' dog new tricks..."
"Then it's lucky fer me tha' you ain't an old dog."
"I ain't, huh...?"
"Nope."
"Well that is lucky fer you then... 'N fer me too... But... we been together a helluva long time... you real sure you still got some new tricks left ta show me...?"
"I jus' figured I'd try 'n fancy-up some a the old ones... 'n hope ya didn't notice..."
"How 'bout I jus' pretend I don't notice...?"
"Tha' works fer me."
"C'mere, dumbass..."
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