(fic)
꼭 깨져봐야 아픈 줄 알지
(you only find out that it hurts after it's already broken.)
sunggyu, dongwoo and woohyun in every permutation | nc-17 | part 2 of 9
Sungyeol doesn't ask. Neither does Hoya, and Myungsu isn't the type to ask after things like that. Sungjong presses it-briefly, only to ask what happened, if he can look at Dongwoo, if Woohyun needs any of his injuries tended to-and then leaves it alone.
But it's not alone, really.
The difficulty-well, a difficulty among many-is that it's not something forgettable. Not for Woohyun, who watches Dongwoo remember how to do things and feels his heart break a little more every time Dongwoo drops his chopsticks. And not for Sunggyu, who lets his fingers linger too long on the back of Dongwoo's neck exactly once, and then Dongwoo grabs his wrist so hard that Woohyun hears the bones grind and there's something insane and indescribable in his eyes and Sunggyu has to remind him three times where he is, who Sunggyu is, before Dongwoo's breathing evens out and his grip relaxes.
So it's not forgettable.
For a long time, they don't talk about it. Dongwoo only slips sometimes-when he's startled, woken up abruptly, when someone touches him a certain way or raises their voice around him and he's not expecting it. It's infrequent enough that no one brings it up, least of all Sunggyu, who Woohyun can see fracturing into tiny sharp pieces with every day that passes.
There are incidents:
Woohyun letting the door to the apartment slam when he comes in, only to find himself on the floor with Dongwoo's weight on his back-the split second of stomach-sinking, breathless panic before his reflexes kick in, and he pins Dongwoo down and holds his face and says, "Dongwoo hyung, it's me, hyung, it's just me, it's okay, I'm not going to hurt you, Dongwoo, look at me, you know me, you know this place," and five minutes later Dongwoo stops struggling and looks up at Woohyun with an expression so heartbroken it hurts to look;
Sunggyu thoughtlessly touching Dongwoo's shoulder as he passes through the living room and almost gaining a few broken fingers for his trouble, until he manages to catch Dongwoo's wrists and talk him back to the present;
Hoya, even, sturdy reliable gentle Hoya, dropping a bag of tools on the kitchen table and finding himself concussed, glass bottle to the head, a gash on his cheek-and Dongwoo, shards sharp in his hands, pinning Hoya to the floor, saved only by Sungyeol grabbing Dongwoo from behind until someone could bring him back to them. (Sungjong says the cut will make a super manly scar, but none of them like to look at it for very long.)
In the end, it's Dongwoo who brings it up.
"Woohyun," he says, sitting down next to Woohyun where Woohyun is at the table in the kitchen. There are recon runs to be done, and Dongwoo can't do them-so Woohyun charts paths on maps, bent over the table with a pencil in his hand.
"Hey," Woohyun says. He marks a zone off, one where security has been particularly tight these days. "What's up?"
"What's this?" Dongwoo asks. He touches the edge of the map, tracing a road with the tip of his pointer finger. There was a time when they didn't need maps-Dongwoo knew the city like the back of his hand, never needed a piece of paper to tell him where he was going. But Dongwoo's brain doesn't work like that anymore.
"Maps," Woohyun says. "I'm just making plans, trying to get some work done ahead of time. As ahead of time as we can do things, anyway." He checks a report Sungyeol had printed off, marks another danger zone. "Something on your mind?"
Dongwoo laughs, softly. Woohyun remembers a time when all Dongwoo did was laugh. These days, the sound is rare. "I'm just-I just…" he begins, then looks down at his hands, knuckles white. "I'm sorry. About-me."
It's the first time anyone has mentioned it. Woohyun puts his pencil down and takes a seat in a chair.
"It's not your fault," he says. That much he wants Dongwoo to know-it's not his fault, it will never be his fault what was done to him. "Nobody blames you-"
"I know," Dongwoo says. "You've all been… it's just that I hate that I hurt you. I hate that I can't remember it."
"You can't?"
Dongwoo shakes his head. He spreads his hands out, palms up, on the table-almost a gesture of supplication, like he doesn't expect Woohyun to believe him. "One second I'm there, and the next I'm coming out of this fog and you're looking at me like-" He stops, swallows hard, looks up at the ceiling. "Like you're afraid of me. But it's not me. It's not me, Woohyun-ah, you know-I would never hurt you-"
"Hyung," Woohyun says. He reaches out, placing his hands next to Dongwoo's-his fingers between Dongwoo's, not quite touching, but close. "I know. You're my best friend, hyung. I know you wouldn't hurt me."
Dongwoo nods, his eyes a little too bright, and then shakes his head. "I just-I never know what it'll be. You know? Sometimes I can't even remember what causes it."
Woohyun nods. "It's okay, though," he says. "We're learning. We're all learning. You'll be okay-we'll be okay."
Sunggyu walks into the kitchen then, empty glass of water in one hand, and glances between Woohyun and Dongwoo before focusing on the maps on the table. "Recon?" he asks, heading to the sink. "Are you planning to start runs again?"
"I was thinking about it," Woohyun says. He leaves his hand where it is, almost touching Dongwoo's. "I'll take Hoya with me, or Myungsu. I think Hoya's almost done with Myungsu's bike."
"Okay." Sunggyu comes back to stand behind Dongwoo's chair, a little to the left so Dongwoo can see him in his peripherals-they'd learned, early on, that not being able to see all the people in the room was the fastest way to trigger Dongwoo. "Oh, you talked to Sungyeol. He said he couldn't find you, earlier."
"Ah, yeah," Woohyun says. He doesn't offer an explanation-what is there to say? I went out to get some fresh air because I thought if I stayed in this apartment for a second longer I would explode. "They've been tightening security in high-density areas. I don't know if it's because they're trying to catch more strays, or-well, anyway, this is the info we have."
Sunggyu nods. His eyes are on the map, but Woohyun can tell that his attention isn't-that's on Dongwoo, on the way Dongwoo goes tense whenever someone new walks into a room, the way he can't quite relax until they're fully in his view. "Dongwoo hyung," Woohyun says-not softly, but perhaps a bit more gently than he might normally. "Let's make soup tonight. I got noodles when I was out earlier."
Dongwoo nods, smiling. "Pretty sure I can still do that," he says, some of his old humor in his voice. Sunggyu's fingers tighten on the back of the chair, and Woohyun can tell that every fiber of Sunggyu's being wants to reach out and touch Dongwoo, touch him the way they used to-the way he could, before all of this, before Dongwoo was a time bomb waiting to go off. But a lot of things have changed lately. This is one of them.
Instead, Sunggyu smiles and says, "Myungsu said he won't be back until late, but everyone else should be here."
"I'll make enough for Myungsu anyway," Woohyun decides. He stands up, starts to gather his things. "And if he doesn't show up, we can eat it for him."
As he's folding the map, from the corner of his eye Woohyun sees Dongwoo reach out, slowly, to take Sunggyu's hand and hold it-not too tightly, not the way they once did, but it's something new. Sunggyu sits down in the chair Woohyun had vacated, and Woohyun takes his leave of the kitchen before he can watch Sunggyu start to cry.
Sungjong comes through with a friend-Minki, a candy striper at a nearby hospital who says he can sneak Sungjong in after hours. "I mean, I'd definitely be totally dead if anyone found out," he says, "but if you can figure out how to get past the CCTV, I can show you where everything is!"
It's complicated.
When they get together, all seven of them-Sunggyu, Woohyun, Dongwoo, Hoya, Sungyeol, Myungsu and Sungjong-in the living room, Sungjong lays the information out for them and says, "It's going to be really hard, and there's a chance that it might not work. So you have to decide if it's worth it to try to figure out what they did to him."
Sunggyu starts to say something-probably something defensive-and Woohyun grabs his wrist, holds him back. Sunggyu's skin is hot under his touch, and Woohyun makes a note to force him into bed, after this conversation is over. "Let's be realistic," he says. "Dongwoo hyung, you're the most important opinion in the room right now. Ignoring everything else, would you be okay with Sungjong looking inside your head?"
Dongwoo takes a deep breath, exhales slowly. With all six of them in plain sight, it's the most relaxed Woohyun has seen him be since he came home. "I… yes," he begins, tentative. "But-okay, I'll be honest here, there's pretty much no way for you guys to sedate me without me freaking out on you, right? If you try to cover my mouth or put a needle in me, I'll just-you'll get hurt. I don't want that."
"Okay," Woohyun says. "I think-we can figure that one out when we get there, but if there were a way, it would be okay with you?"
"If I knew I wouldn't hurt you, it would be okay with me," Dongwoo says, nodding.
Beside Woohyun, Sunggyu says, "Sungjong. How likely is it that you'd be able to even see what was done, let alone fix it?"
"I don't know," Sungjong says. It's not the answer Woohyun wants to hear, but he's thankful for Sungjong's honesty-none of them can afford anything else right now. "I have no idea what-what the rebooting process is like. So I don't know if I'll be able to see it, and if I can see it, I don't know if I can fix it. But-if we don't try, then we'll never know either. That's what I think, anyway."
Sungjong draws his knees up to his chest and leans against the arm of the couch, and for a moment he looks every one of his eighteen years. He's so young, Woohyun thinks. Too young for any of this, but he's brilliant, and they need him.
"Okay," Sunggyu says. If nothing else, he's back in control, now-less emotional, though Woohyun can still feel his pulse beating a little too quickly under his skin. "Hoya, Sungyeol, Myungsu-we'll need your backup. If you're in."
"I'm in," Sungyeol says. Myungsu nods.
Hoya just looks at Sunggyu and then shakes his head, almost smiling. "Hyung, are you kidding?" he says. "Obviously."
Woohyun saw that one coming, honestly. Hoya trusts Sunggyu unconditionally, unquestioningly. He would do anything for Sunggyu.
"Then Sungyeol, you and Myungsu are going to need to map the place out. I want to know where every security camera is between our point of entrance and our destination. I want to know what other systems they're running-motion detectors, silent alarms, any of it. I can get into the system once I know what it is, but finding that out is up to you." Sunggyu finally pulls his wrist out of Woohyun's grasp so he can gesture to Hoya. "Hoya, Woohyun, you're the muscle. Whatever needs to be done, whatever Sungyeol or Myungsu need done, do it."
As usual. Woohyun nods, lacing his own fingers together. It doesn't bother him, being the muscle of the group-he's good at it, he gets things done. And he'd rather be that and useful than nothing and useless.
"I want this done within the week," Sunggyu says. "Can you do that?"
Sungyeol chuckles, reaching out to ruffle Myungsu's hair. "You're kidding," he says, as Myungsu makes an irritated sound and fixes his hair. "That's more than enough time. You're being pretty generous, hyung."
"I'm not being generous," Sunggyu says. "This is not something we have wiggle room on. Everything gets triple-checked and then re-checked by your partner. Got it?"
"Got it," Sungyeol says. For all his laughter and jokes, Woohyun knows that Sungyeol means business when he wants to-he's not worried. Or rather, he's not worried that Sungyeol will be the link that breaks. "You can count on us, hyung."
It takes Sungyeol and Myungsu five days to come through with the blueprints and specs of the security system at the hospital, and two days longer for Sunggyu to get into the system. During those seven days, Sunggyu spends a great deal of time swearing under his breath at his computer, existing almost entirely on coffee Woohyun makes and sleeping only in five-minute fits and starts.
"I'm kind of worried about him," Dongwoo tells Woohyun. They're standing on the balcony of the apartment at two in the morning, and Sunggyu is still sitting on the floor in the living room with papers and notebooks spread out around him. "He's gonna make himself crazy if he keeps this up."
"He's gonna make himself crazy if he doesn't," Woohyun says. He turns away from the window to face out over the city, leaning on the railing as far out as he dares. "He'd rather lose his mind and be productive than stay sane and not be able to help."
"Yeah," Dongwoo says. His voice is fond, but also deeply sad. "He's like that."
Sunggyu is like that. He pushes himself too hard, Woohyun thinks, and sets the bar too high. He'd work himself to the bone if he thought that it would help.
"I love that about him," Dongwoo continues, joining Woohyun in leaning over the railing. "But I hate it at the same time, you know? He's incredible, but-I hate that he doesn't protect himself the way he protects everyone else."
What Woohyun thinks, but doesn't say, is that it used to be Dongwoo's job. Dongwoo was the one who protected Sunggyu when he needed it, the one who looked out for him, remembered to make him eat when Sunggyu would have skipped meals entirely. It was Dongwoo who would take the computer out of Sunggyu's hands and take him to bed, coaxing him with kisses and gentle touches until Sunggyu gave in. The memory makes something twist itself into a knot in Woohyun's stomach, and he looks down at the pavement of the street below.
"He has bad self-preservation," Woohyun agrees. He estimates the distance between them and the pavement, wonders-if he jumped, would he hit terminal velocity before he hit the ground?
Dongwoo makes a noise of agreement. "But-you've been taking care of him," he says, nudging Woohyun gently in the side. Woohyun's careful not to move too much-Dongwoo's ability to touch people is a new thing, and it gives Woohyun the same feeling he'd had when he first found Dongwoo in that cell. Like he's approaching a frightened animal, fragile and dangerous. "Making sure he sleeps and eats and stuff. I think he appreciates it, even if he's bad at-you know, the whole emotions thing."
When he thinks about it, Woohyun supposes that he has. He's the one who cooks most often, nowadays, and he's the one who stands next to Sunggyu until he eats whatever Woohyun's put down next to him. Granted that Sunggyu usually doesn't register anything about the food beyond its presence, but-still. "I guess so," he says, shrugging a little and tamping down a flare of something warm in his belly. "He'd kill me if I let him pass out, so…"
From the corner of his eye, Woohyun sees Dongwoo smile. "Nah, don't lie," he says. "You worry about him as much as I do, I think."
It's a dangerous implication. Woohyun turns his head sharply to the side, looking for any hint of accusation in Dongwoo's eyes, any suggestion that he's saying what it sounds like he's saying. But Dongwoo's smile is familiar and guileless, almost blinding, and Woohyun's grip on the railing relaxes. "He makes it hard not to worry," he says, swallowing hard against a lump in his throat. "Even when he's not working for something."
He turns around to look back in through the window. Sunggyu's barely changed position, except to stretch out of his legs out in front of him-and as if on cue, Sunggyu glances up, meeting Woohyun's eyes through the glass. He raises an eyebrow, as if to say What are you looking at? and then goes back to his work.
Beside Woohyun, Dongwoo laughs. "Single-minded," he says, letting his hand rest briefly on Woohyun's shoulder. "Let's go inside, Woohyun-ah."
If Woohyun's honest about it, though, he wants to take care of Sunggyu. Dongwoo has always had the privilege, but Woohyun wants it to be his, wants to be the one who breaks Sunggyu down with soft kisses and lingering touches. When he'd first joined the group-when Jaehyun hyung had still been their leader-Woohyun had thought Sunggyu was infallible, beautiful and strong, the exact type of person that Woohyun had always wanted to be but had never managed to become.
And then, when Jaehyun hyung was taken and Sunggyu stepped up to fill his shoes, Woohyun had realized exactly how fragile Sunggyu could be, how broken, how deeply flawed he was. Woohyun had realized that and found him even more beautiful for it. The cracks in his armor, the circles under his eyes, the way his hands shook sometimes when he'd worked too long and slept too little-all of that made him human.
So, yes. Maybe Woohyun was a little in love with Sunggyu, then. Maybe he is a little in love with Sunggyu now.
But he'd walked in and seen Dongwoo and Sunggyu kissing in the kitchen, clinging to each other like lifelines, and Woohyun had known immediately that he could never have that. Dongwoo and Sunggyu fit together in a way Woohyun couldn't even imagine.
He had tucked those feelings into himself, hidden them under layers of other things-workouts, building himself up until he was as strong as he could be. Studying, doing logic puzzles and teaching himself how to make things like bombs. Woohyun ignored anything that didn't have a tangible outcome, a result he could focus on, because it was the only way to live with Sunggyu and not be driven to distraction every single day.
But it's fine, he thinks. It's okay. Dongwoo makes Sunggyu happy-made him happy, before all this-and that's what Woohyun wants the most.
They get into the hospital between guard changes, and Minki meets them at the back entrance of the neuroscience department. They've left Myungsu and Sungyeol back, because the more of them that come, the higher the likelihood of being caught-but Woohyun is still on edge, and he can tell Hoya is too. They're on city land, in a city building, and for Edge-dwellers that's close to suicide-none of them have identity tags, at least not real, registered ones, and in this place, identity means the difference between forgiveness and execution.
"Follow me," Minki says, herding them through the door and down a hallway. He looks younger than Sungjong, thin and pretty, and Woohyun almost feels bad that he's involved in this-wonders if Minki even knows what he's gotten himself into, or if he's unwittingly become party to their tiny rebellion. Sungjong had never explained how much Minki knew, or if he had, he hadn't explained it to Woohyun. "The MRI is down here, and then-the rest of it is in the next wing. It's not far, though, so don't worry!"
Hoya and Woohyun exchange a glance. They've had the blueprints of the place for more than a week now, and every person present knows the layout of the hospital like the back of their hands. Maybe Sungjong hadn't been particularly forthcoming out what exactly they'd be doing, here.
The background hum of the MRI machine makes Dongwoo tense the moment they step through the door. Sunggyu directs him to a chair, where he can see everyone in the room-that makes it better, but not by much. "Um," Minki says, glancing between Sungjong and Dongwoo. "Are you okay?"
"If he was okay, we wouldn't be here," Sunggyu says. His voice is a little too sharp, and Minki winces.
"Sorry," he mumbles. Woohyun feels bad for the kid-he looks like he's barely in high school. He has to be a lower-class city kid to work here-not upper echelon, not by a long shot, but not a slumdweller either. He doesn't live the life they do.
"Hey," he says, nudging Minki when Sunggyu is distracted. "Sorry about him. We're all tense, he didn't mean to snap at you."
Minki looks up at him. "Okay," he says, nodding. "It's fine! It was kind of a dumb question anyway."
"Woohyun," Sunggyu says, gesturing for him to join them. With an apologetic shrug at Minki, Woohyun comes over to where Dongwoo and Sunggyu have been talking-Dongwoo looks tense but determined, and Sunggyu looks uncertain, which is rare. "We're going to need you and Hoya to hold him down now."
Well. They had talked about it, back home, but talking about it and doing it are two different things. "Hyung?" Woohyun says. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," Dongwoo says. "You've done it before, right?"
It doesn't particularly put Woohyun at ease. He smiles, for Dongwoo's sake, and makes eye contact with Hoya, who takes his position on the other side of Dongwoo's chair. Behind them, Sunggyu readies the anesthesia. "Here goes nothing," Hoya says softly, and Woohyun nods.
Dongwoo lets them brace against him-Woohyun's knee over his thigh, hands against his shoulder and wrapped tight around his wrist-but the instant Sunggyu puts the mask over his mouth it's like holding back a rabid dog. Woohyun will never get used to this, to seeing Dongwoo strain against his grasp, his eyes full of a dull kind of rage, teeth snapping at Sunggyu's hands.
"Hold him," Sunggyu says. His tone is warning. "Woohyun-"
"I got it," Woohyun snaps back, leaning his body weight into Dongwoo. The places where his fingers dig into Dongwoo's skin will be bruises tomorrow, a ring around his wrist, and at his shoulder where Woohyun's forearm presses against bone. "We got it."
Finally-finally, the anesthesia kicks in, and Dongwoo slumps back in the chair. The room, collectively, breathes again. Woohyun steps back and wipes sweat from his forehead and hates this, everything about this. "You okay?" he asks Hoya.
"I'm good," Hoya says. He has a bruise blossoming along his jaw, from a split second when Dongwoo's fist had slipped out of his grasp. "You?"
"Great," Woohyun says. No one comments on how bitter he sounds.
"Move him onto the table," Sungjong says. He steps forward, away from the wall where he and Minki had been shepherded. Behind him, Minki looks terrified-Woohyun doesn't blame him. He can't have known what he was in for. "We probably don't have that much time-I tried to give us as much as I could, but I'm not an anesthesiologist-just move him, okay?"
They strip Dongwoo down as fast as they can and get him on the scanning bed, and then Hoya and Woohyun stand guard at the glass door to watch Sungjong scan Dongwoo's brain. Sunggyu sits at Sungjong's left elbow, watching the images on the computer's screen as though he has any idea what they mean. "It's not like you can actually read brain scans," Woohyun points out, and Sunggyu glances up, giving him a sharp, reproachful look.
Woohyun almost wishes he could tell Sunggyu: I get it. I really do. You're scared because you're useless. Don't worry-I am too.
Minki stands behind Sungjong and looks at the scans. He makes occasional sounds-wonder, or surprise, maybe. Eventually, Sunggyu snaps, "Either explain what you're oh-ing at or shut up," and then it's Sungjong's turn to look reproachful.
"Hyung," he says. "That's not helpful."
Sunggyu's lips press together into a tight line, but he falls silent. Minki doesn't make any more sounds, but when the scan is done, there's a line on his forehead, right between his eyes. Sungjong's expression is the same. "I don't like it," he says, bending close to the screen.
"What," Sunggyu says. He's tense. Woohyun doesn't blame him.
"I can't figure out what they did," Sungjong says, which is not the outcome they wanted. "But they… did something really weird to his prefrontal cortex and limbic system." He glances up, sees three pairs of eyes looking at him as though he's speaking another language. "Um, that's basically the part of his brain responsible for emotions and self-control. A lot of other things too, but those are the things he seems to be having trouble with."
Woohyun resists the urge to say something like clearly. He makes jokes when he's nervous, when he's scared-and right now, he's terrified. "So what does that mean?" he asks. "Can you fix it?"
"I can't fix it without knowing what they did," Sungjong says. "And-I…" He falls silent, biting his lip. Woohyun thinks of the other day, the moment when Sungjong had looked so young. He looks younger, now, and even more uncertain. "I'm good at-fixing injuries and making sure nobody dies from head wounds, but-I'm not a brain surgeon, hyung, I can't… I can't just cut his head open and fix things, okay? I'm not that good."
Sunggyu doesn't say anything. He can't, Woohyun thinks. This had been their only hope, in a sense-their only chance to find out what they had done to Dongwoo, and whether it could be fixed. To find out that it can't is a blow, and Sunggyu is disappointed-Woohyun can read it in the line of his back, and the way he can't quite look at Sungjong. But it's not Sungjong's fault. "It's fine, Sungjongie," Woohyun says after an uncomfortable, tense pause. "We're not expecting you to work more miracles than you already do."
Sungjong just looks up at him, so raw and unsure and pleading. "I'm sorry, hyung," he says.
Woohyun reaches out and gently ruffles Sungjong's hair. "Don't be sorry," he says, nudging Sungjong under the chin to get him to meet Woohyun's eyes. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault, okay?"
He wishes that Sungjong would believe him, but Woohyun can tell by the look in Sungjong's eyes that he doesn't.
Woohyun finds Sunggyu in the room he used to share with Dongwoo, sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at his hands. It's dark in the room, so the light from the hallway throws Sunggyu into sharp relief: the tense line of his mouth, the way he picks at a hangnail on one thumb. "Hey," Woohyun says, knocking on the doorframe. "Can we talk?"
The only response Woohyun receives is a shrug, but he takes that as a yes, anyway. He comes into the room and closes the door behind him, leaving them in darkness-contemplates turning on the light, but doesn't. Instead, he just sits on the bed next to Sunggyu. "You can't take it out on Sungjong," he says. "It's not his fault he can't fix everything."
"Is this what you wanted to talk about?" Sunggyu asks. His voice is very sharp, but it's been a long time since Woohyun let that stop him. "My failings as a leader?"
"No," Woohyun says, which is true. "That was an opener. It just also happens to be true."
For a moment, he thinks Sunggyu is going to fight. The Sunggyu he used to know would fight him to the death, just on principle. But this Sunggyu-the Sunggyu who's hurt and broken and always tired-just sighs and bites a fingernail. "I know," he says. "It's not his fault. It's just."
Just. Woohyun knows. Just that someone Sunggyu loves more than anything in the universe has been badly damaged by something Sunggyu can't control. He gets it.
"I know," Woohyun says. He reaches out and puts his hand on Sunggyu's forearm, just above his wrist. Sunggyu's skin is warm under his fingers. "But he's just a kid, hyung. And he wants us to love him. I don't think he's figured out that he doesn't have to fix all of your problems to earn that from you."
They had found Sungjong in the wreckage of a destroyed house in the slums on the edge of the city, fifteen years old, delicate and afraid. Sunggyu had been his sister's friend, or whatever you call the person they call when you die-and when she had been killed, Sungjong became Sunggyu's responsibility.
It must be a heavy weight, Woohyun thinks, the knowledge that Sungjong had never really been invited. And Sunggyu has never been that good at emotions.
In the present, Sunggyu winces, his fingers clenching. "I know," he says. "I was just hoping, I guess. Foolishly."
"We were all hoping."
"Not like I was."
The words, and the meanings behind them, sink into Woohyun's skin and tattoo themselves on the insides of his ribcage. Every time he thinks he understands the scope of Sunggyu's love for Dongwoo, it takes him by surprise all over again. "I know," he says.
Sunggyu looks up, meets his eyes. For a moment, Woohyun forgets how to inhale. In the dark of the room, Sunggyu's eyes are still very bright-Woohyun always forgets how much light they can hold. He wonders how Dongwoo felt when he saw Sunggyu like this, if Dongwoo ever got used to it. Woohyun doesn't think he could-he thinks that seeing Sunggyu's eyes, bright in the darkness, would leave him breathless every time.
Sunggyu exhales harshly, and the moment is broken. "When did this happen?" he asks, pulling his arm out of Woohyun's grasp. "When did you become a better leader than I am?"
The words are probably meant to be a joke-or at least Sunggyu's version of one. But they make Woohyun recoil as strongly as if they had been physical. "I could never be half the leader you are," he says. His voice is perhaps a little too harsh, but Woohyun can't help it. "Don't say that."
The darkness hides Sunggyu's expression when he turns to look back at Woohyun. If he tried, Woohyun could probably make it out, but he's not sure he wants to. "Go to sleep, Woohyun-ah," he says, patting Woohyun's knee. "We'll figure this out in the morning."
It's a dismissal. Sunggyu has never been very subtle. "Goodnight, hyung," Woohyun says, and closes the door behind him when he goes.
part one | part two | part three
(you only find out that it hurts after it's already broken.)
sunggyu, dongwoo and woohyun in every permutation | nc-17 | part 2 of 9
Sungyeol doesn't ask. Neither does Hoya, and Myungsu isn't the type to ask after things like that. Sungjong presses it-briefly, only to ask what happened, if he can look at Dongwoo, if Woohyun needs any of his injuries tended to-and then leaves it alone.
But it's not alone, really.
The difficulty-well, a difficulty among many-is that it's not something forgettable. Not for Woohyun, who watches Dongwoo remember how to do things and feels his heart break a little more every time Dongwoo drops his chopsticks. And not for Sunggyu, who lets his fingers linger too long on the back of Dongwoo's neck exactly once, and then Dongwoo grabs his wrist so hard that Woohyun hears the bones grind and there's something insane and indescribable in his eyes and Sunggyu has to remind him three times where he is, who Sunggyu is, before Dongwoo's breathing evens out and his grip relaxes.
So it's not forgettable.
For a long time, they don't talk about it. Dongwoo only slips sometimes-when he's startled, woken up abruptly, when someone touches him a certain way or raises their voice around him and he's not expecting it. It's infrequent enough that no one brings it up, least of all Sunggyu, who Woohyun can see fracturing into tiny sharp pieces with every day that passes.
There are incidents:
Woohyun letting the door to the apartment slam when he comes in, only to find himself on the floor with Dongwoo's weight on his back-the split second of stomach-sinking, breathless panic before his reflexes kick in, and he pins Dongwoo down and holds his face and says, "Dongwoo hyung, it's me, hyung, it's just me, it's okay, I'm not going to hurt you, Dongwoo, look at me, you know me, you know this place," and five minutes later Dongwoo stops struggling and looks up at Woohyun with an expression so heartbroken it hurts to look;
Sunggyu thoughtlessly touching Dongwoo's shoulder as he passes through the living room and almost gaining a few broken fingers for his trouble, until he manages to catch Dongwoo's wrists and talk him back to the present;
Hoya, even, sturdy reliable gentle Hoya, dropping a bag of tools on the kitchen table and finding himself concussed, glass bottle to the head, a gash on his cheek-and Dongwoo, shards sharp in his hands, pinning Hoya to the floor, saved only by Sungyeol grabbing Dongwoo from behind until someone could bring him back to them. (Sungjong says the cut will make a super manly scar, but none of them like to look at it for very long.)
In the end, it's Dongwoo who brings it up.
"Woohyun," he says, sitting down next to Woohyun where Woohyun is at the table in the kitchen. There are recon runs to be done, and Dongwoo can't do them-so Woohyun charts paths on maps, bent over the table with a pencil in his hand.
"Hey," Woohyun says. He marks a zone off, one where security has been particularly tight these days. "What's up?"
"What's this?" Dongwoo asks. He touches the edge of the map, tracing a road with the tip of his pointer finger. There was a time when they didn't need maps-Dongwoo knew the city like the back of his hand, never needed a piece of paper to tell him where he was going. But Dongwoo's brain doesn't work like that anymore.
"Maps," Woohyun says. "I'm just making plans, trying to get some work done ahead of time. As ahead of time as we can do things, anyway." He checks a report Sungyeol had printed off, marks another danger zone. "Something on your mind?"
Dongwoo laughs, softly. Woohyun remembers a time when all Dongwoo did was laugh. These days, the sound is rare. "I'm just-I just…" he begins, then looks down at his hands, knuckles white. "I'm sorry. About-me."
It's the first time anyone has mentioned it. Woohyun puts his pencil down and takes a seat in a chair.
"It's not your fault," he says. That much he wants Dongwoo to know-it's not his fault, it will never be his fault what was done to him. "Nobody blames you-"
"I know," Dongwoo says. "You've all been… it's just that I hate that I hurt you. I hate that I can't remember it."
"You can't?"
Dongwoo shakes his head. He spreads his hands out, palms up, on the table-almost a gesture of supplication, like he doesn't expect Woohyun to believe him. "One second I'm there, and the next I'm coming out of this fog and you're looking at me like-" He stops, swallows hard, looks up at the ceiling. "Like you're afraid of me. But it's not me. It's not me, Woohyun-ah, you know-I would never hurt you-"
"Hyung," Woohyun says. He reaches out, placing his hands next to Dongwoo's-his fingers between Dongwoo's, not quite touching, but close. "I know. You're my best friend, hyung. I know you wouldn't hurt me."
Dongwoo nods, his eyes a little too bright, and then shakes his head. "I just-I never know what it'll be. You know? Sometimes I can't even remember what causes it."
Woohyun nods. "It's okay, though," he says. "We're learning. We're all learning. You'll be okay-we'll be okay."
Sunggyu walks into the kitchen then, empty glass of water in one hand, and glances between Woohyun and Dongwoo before focusing on the maps on the table. "Recon?" he asks, heading to the sink. "Are you planning to start runs again?"
"I was thinking about it," Woohyun says. He leaves his hand where it is, almost touching Dongwoo's. "I'll take Hoya with me, or Myungsu. I think Hoya's almost done with Myungsu's bike."
"Okay." Sunggyu comes back to stand behind Dongwoo's chair, a little to the left so Dongwoo can see him in his peripherals-they'd learned, early on, that not being able to see all the people in the room was the fastest way to trigger Dongwoo. "Oh, you talked to Sungyeol. He said he couldn't find you, earlier."
"Ah, yeah," Woohyun says. He doesn't offer an explanation-what is there to say? I went out to get some fresh air because I thought if I stayed in this apartment for a second longer I would explode. "They've been tightening security in high-density areas. I don't know if it's because they're trying to catch more strays, or-well, anyway, this is the info we have."
Sunggyu nods. His eyes are on the map, but Woohyun can tell that his attention isn't-that's on Dongwoo, on the way Dongwoo goes tense whenever someone new walks into a room, the way he can't quite relax until they're fully in his view. "Dongwoo hyung," Woohyun says-not softly, but perhaps a bit more gently than he might normally. "Let's make soup tonight. I got noodles when I was out earlier."
Dongwoo nods, smiling. "Pretty sure I can still do that," he says, some of his old humor in his voice. Sunggyu's fingers tighten on the back of the chair, and Woohyun can tell that every fiber of Sunggyu's being wants to reach out and touch Dongwoo, touch him the way they used to-the way he could, before all of this, before Dongwoo was a time bomb waiting to go off. But a lot of things have changed lately. This is one of them.
Instead, Sunggyu smiles and says, "Myungsu said he won't be back until late, but everyone else should be here."
"I'll make enough for Myungsu anyway," Woohyun decides. He stands up, starts to gather his things. "And if he doesn't show up, we can eat it for him."
As he's folding the map, from the corner of his eye Woohyun sees Dongwoo reach out, slowly, to take Sunggyu's hand and hold it-not too tightly, not the way they once did, but it's something new. Sunggyu sits down in the chair Woohyun had vacated, and Woohyun takes his leave of the kitchen before he can watch Sunggyu start to cry.
Sungjong comes through with a friend-Minki, a candy striper at a nearby hospital who says he can sneak Sungjong in after hours. "I mean, I'd definitely be totally dead if anyone found out," he says, "but if you can figure out how to get past the CCTV, I can show you where everything is!"
It's complicated.
When they get together, all seven of them-Sunggyu, Woohyun, Dongwoo, Hoya, Sungyeol, Myungsu and Sungjong-in the living room, Sungjong lays the information out for them and says, "It's going to be really hard, and there's a chance that it might not work. So you have to decide if it's worth it to try to figure out what they did to him."
Sunggyu starts to say something-probably something defensive-and Woohyun grabs his wrist, holds him back. Sunggyu's skin is hot under his touch, and Woohyun makes a note to force him into bed, after this conversation is over. "Let's be realistic," he says. "Dongwoo hyung, you're the most important opinion in the room right now. Ignoring everything else, would you be okay with Sungjong looking inside your head?"
Dongwoo takes a deep breath, exhales slowly. With all six of them in plain sight, it's the most relaxed Woohyun has seen him be since he came home. "I… yes," he begins, tentative. "But-okay, I'll be honest here, there's pretty much no way for you guys to sedate me without me freaking out on you, right? If you try to cover my mouth or put a needle in me, I'll just-you'll get hurt. I don't want that."
"Okay," Woohyun says. "I think-we can figure that one out when we get there, but if there were a way, it would be okay with you?"
"If I knew I wouldn't hurt you, it would be okay with me," Dongwoo says, nodding.
Beside Woohyun, Sunggyu says, "Sungjong. How likely is it that you'd be able to even see what was done, let alone fix it?"
"I don't know," Sungjong says. It's not the answer Woohyun wants to hear, but he's thankful for Sungjong's honesty-none of them can afford anything else right now. "I have no idea what-what the rebooting process is like. So I don't know if I'll be able to see it, and if I can see it, I don't know if I can fix it. But-if we don't try, then we'll never know either. That's what I think, anyway."
Sungjong draws his knees up to his chest and leans against the arm of the couch, and for a moment he looks every one of his eighteen years. He's so young, Woohyun thinks. Too young for any of this, but he's brilliant, and they need him.
"Okay," Sunggyu says. If nothing else, he's back in control, now-less emotional, though Woohyun can still feel his pulse beating a little too quickly under his skin. "Hoya, Sungyeol, Myungsu-we'll need your backup. If you're in."
"I'm in," Sungyeol says. Myungsu nods.
Hoya just looks at Sunggyu and then shakes his head, almost smiling. "Hyung, are you kidding?" he says. "Obviously."
Woohyun saw that one coming, honestly. Hoya trusts Sunggyu unconditionally, unquestioningly. He would do anything for Sunggyu.
"Then Sungyeol, you and Myungsu are going to need to map the place out. I want to know where every security camera is between our point of entrance and our destination. I want to know what other systems they're running-motion detectors, silent alarms, any of it. I can get into the system once I know what it is, but finding that out is up to you." Sunggyu finally pulls his wrist out of Woohyun's grasp so he can gesture to Hoya. "Hoya, Woohyun, you're the muscle. Whatever needs to be done, whatever Sungyeol or Myungsu need done, do it."
As usual. Woohyun nods, lacing his own fingers together. It doesn't bother him, being the muscle of the group-he's good at it, he gets things done. And he'd rather be that and useful than nothing and useless.
"I want this done within the week," Sunggyu says. "Can you do that?"
Sungyeol chuckles, reaching out to ruffle Myungsu's hair. "You're kidding," he says, as Myungsu makes an irritated sound and fixes his hair. "That's more than enough time. You're being pretty generous, hyung."
"I'm not being generous," Sunggyu says. "This is not something we have wiggle room on. Everything gets triple-checked and then re-checked by your partner. Got it?"
"Got it," Sungyeol says. For all his laughter and jokes, Woohyun knows that Sungyeol means business when he wants to-he's not worried. Or rather, he's not worried that Sungyeol will be the link that breaks. "You can count on us, hyung."
It takes Sungyeol and Myungsu five days to come through with the blueprints and specs of the security system at the hospital, and two days longer for Sunggyu to get into the system. During those seven days, Sunggyu spends a great deal of time swearing under his breath at his computer, existing almost entirely on coffee Woohyun makes and sleeping only in five-minute fits and starts.
"I'm kind of worried about him," Dongwoo tells Woohyun. They're standing on the balcony of the apartment at two in the morning, and Sunggyu is still sitting on the floor in the living room with papers and notebooks spread out around him. "He's gonna make himself crazy if he keeps this up."
"He's gonna make himself crazy if he doesn't," Woohyun says. He turns away from the window to face out over the city, leaning on the railing as far out as he dares. "He'd rather lose his mind and be productive than stay sane and not be able to help."
"Yeah," Dongwoo says. His voice is fond, but also deeply sad. "He's like that."
Sunggyu is like that. He pushes himself too hard, Woohyun thinks, and sets the bar too high. He'd work himself to the bone if he thought that it would help.
"I love that about him," Dongwoo continues, joining Woohyun in leaning over the railing. "But I hate it at the same time, you know? He's incredible, but-I hate that he doesn't protect himself the way he protects everyone else."
What Woohyun thinks, but doesn't say, is that it used to be Dongwoo's job. Dongwoo was the one who protected Sunggyu when he needed it, the one who looked out for him, remembered to make him eat when Sunggyu would have skipped meals entirely. It was Dongwoo who would take the computer out of Sunggyu's hands and take him to bed, coaxing him with kisses and gentle touches until Sunggyu gave in. The memory makes something twist itself into a knot in Woohyun's stomach, and he looks down at the pavement of the street below.
"He has bad self-preservation," Woohyun agrees. He estimates the distance between them and the pavement, wonders-if he jumped, would he hit terminal velocity before he hit the ground?
Dongwoo makes a noise of agreement. "But-you've been taking care of him," he says, nudging Woohyun gently in the side. Woohyun's careful not to move too much-Dongwoo's ability to touch people is a new thing, and it gives Woohyun the same feeling he'd had when he first found Dongwoo in that cell. Like he's approaching a frightened animal, fragile and dangerous. "Making sure he sleeps and eats and stuff. I think he appreciates it, even if he's bad at-you know, the whole emotions thing."
When he thinks about it, Woohyun supposes that he has. He's the one who cooks most often, nowadays, and he's the one who stands next to Sunggyu until he eats whatever Woohyun's put down next to him. Granted that Sunggyu usually doesn't register anything about the food beyond its presence, but-still. "I guess so," he says, shrugging a little and tamping down a flare of something warm in his belly. "He'd kill me if I let him pass out, so…"
From the corner of his eye, Woohyun sees Dongwoo smile. "Nah, don't lie," he says. "You worry about him as much as I do, I think."
It's a dangerous implication. Woohyun turns his head sharply to the side, looking for any hint of accusation in Dongwoo's eyes, any suggestion that he's saying what it sounds like he's saying. But Dongwoo's smile is familiar and guileless, almost blinding, and Woohyun's grip on the railing relaxes. "He makes it hard not to worry," he says, swallowing hard against a lump in his throat. "Even when he's not working for something."
He turns around to look back in through the window. Sunggyu's barely changed position, except to stretch out of his legs out in front of him-and as if on cue, Sunggyu glances up, meeting Woohyun's eyes through the glass. He raises an eyebrow, as if to say What are you looking at? and then goes back to his work.
Beside Woohyun, Dongwoo laughs. "Single-minded," he says, letting his hand rest briefly on Woohyun's shoulder. "Let's go inside, Woohyun-ah."
If Woohyun's honest about it, though, he wants to take care of Sunggyu. Dongwoo has always had the privilege, but Woohyun wants it to be his, wants to be the one who breaks Sunggyu down with soft kisses and lingering touches. When he'd first joined the group-when Jaehyun hyung had still been their leader-Woohyun had thought Sunggyu was infallible, beautiful and strong, the exact type of person that Woohyun had always wanted to be but had never managed to become.
And then, when Jaehyun hyung was taken and Sunggyu stepped up to fill his shoes, Woohyun had realized exactly how fragile Sunggyu could be, how broken, how deeply flawed he was. Woohyun had realized that and found him even more beautiful for it. The cracks in his armor, the circles under his eyes, the way his hands shook sometimes when he'd worked too long and slept too little-all of that made him human.
So, yes. Maybe Woohyun was a little in love with Sunggyu, then. Maybe he is a little in love with Sunggyu now.
But he'd walked in and seen Dongwoo and Sunggyu kissing in the kitchen, clinging to each other like lifelines, and Woohyun had known immediately that he could never have that. Dongwoo and Sunggyu fit together in a way Woohyun couldn't even imagine.
He had tucked those feelings into himself, hidden them under layers of other things-workouts, building himself up until he was as strong as he could be. Studying, doing logic puzzles and teaching himself how to make things like bombs. Woohyun ignored anything that didn't have a tangible outcome, a result he could focus on, because it was the only way to live with Sunggyu and not be driven to distraction every single day.
But it's fine, he thinks. It's okay. Dongwoo makes Sunggyu happy-made him happy, before all this-and that's what Woohyun wants the most.
They get into the hospital between guard changes, and Minki meets them at the back entrance of the neuroscience department. They've left Myungsu and Sungyeol back, because the more of them that come, the higher the likelihood of being caught-but Woohyun is still on edge, and he can tell Hoya is too. They're on city land, in a city building, and for Edge-dwellers that's close to suicide-none of them have identity tags, at least not real, registered ones, and in this place, identity means the difference between forgiveness and execution.
"Follow me," Minki says, herding them through the door and down a hallway. He looks younger than Sungjong, thin and pretty, and Woohyun almost feels bad that he's involved in this-wonders if Minki even knows what he's gotten himself into, or if he's unwittingly become party to their tiny rebellion. Sungjong had never explained how much Minki knew, or if he had, he hadn't explained it to Woohyun. "The MRI is down here, and then-the rest of it is in the next wing. It's not far, though, so don't worry!"
Hoya and Woohyun exchange a glance. They've had the blueprints of the place for more than a week now, and every person present knows the layout of the hospital like the back of their hands. Maybe Sungjong hadn't been particularly forthcoming out what exactly they'd be doing, here.
The background hum of the MRI machine makes Dongwoo tense the moment they step through the door. Sunggyu directs him to a chair, where he can see everyone in the room-that makes it better, but not by much. "Um," Minki says, glancing between Sungjong and Dongwoo. "Are you okay?"
"If he was okay, we wouldn't be here," Sunggyu says. His voice is a little too sharp, and Minki winces.
"Sorry," he mumbles. Woohyun feels bad for the kid-he looks like he's barely in high school. He has to be a lower-class city kid to work here-not upper echelon, not by a long shot, but not a slumdweller either. He doesn't live the life they do.
"Hey," he says, nudging Minki when Sunggyu is distracted. "Sorry about him. We're all tense, he didn't mean to snap at you."
Minki looks up at him. "Okay," he says, nodding. "It's fine! It was kind of a dumb question anyway."
"Woohyun," Sunggyu says, gesturing for him to join them. With an apologetic shrug at Minki, Woohyun comes over to where Dongwoo and Sunggyu have been talking-Dongwoo looks tense but determined, and Sunggyu looks uncertain, which is rare. "We're going to need you and Hoya to hold him down now."
Well. They had talked about it, back home, but talking about it and doing it are two different things. "Hyung?" Woohyun says. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," Dongwoo says. "You've done it before, right?"
It doesn't particularly put Woohyun at ease. He smiles, for Dongwoo's sake, and makes eye contact with Hoya, who takes his position on the other side of Dongwoo's chair. Behind them, Sunggyu readies the anesthesia. "Here goes nothing," Hoya says softly, and Woohyun nods.
Dongwoo lets them brace against him-Woohyun's knee over his thigh, hands against his shoulder and wrapped tight around his wrist-but the instant Sunggyu puts the mask over his mouth it's like holding back a rabid dog. Woohyun will never get used to this, to seeing Dongwoo strain against his grasp, his eyes full of a dull kind of rage, teeth snapping at Sunggyu's hands.
"Hold him," Sunggyu says. His tone is warning. "Woohyun-"
"I got it," Woohyun snaps back, leaning his body weight into Dongwoo. The places where his fingers dig into Dongwoo's skin will be bruises tomorrow, a ring around his wrist, and at his shoulder where Woohyun's forearm presses against bone. "We got it."
Finally-finally, the anesthesia kicks in, and Dongwoo slumps back in the chair. The room, collectively, breathes again. Woohyun steps back and wipes sweat from his forehead and hates this, everything about this. "You okay?" he asks Hoya.
"I'm good," Hoya says. He has a bruise blossoming along his jaw, from a split second when Dongwoo's fist had slipped out of his grasp. "You?"
"Great," Woohyun says. No one comments on how bitter he sounds.
"Move him onto the table," Sungjong says. He steps forward, away from the wall where he and Minki had been shepherded. Behind him, Minki looks terrified-Woohyun doesn't blame him. He can't have known what he was in for. "We probably don't have that much time-I tried to give us as much as I could, but I'm not an anesthesiologist-just move him, okay?"
They strip Dongwoo down as fast as they can and get him on the scanning bed, and then Hoya and Woohyun stand guard at the glass door to watch Sungjong scan Dongwoo's brain. Sunggyu sits at Sungjong's left elbow, watching the images on the computer's screen as though he has any idea what they mean. "It's not like you can actually read brain scans," Woohyun points out, and Sunggyu glances up, giving him a sharp, reproachful look.
Woohyun almost wishes he could tell Sunggyu: I get it. I really do. You're scared because you're useless. Don't worry-I am too.
Minki stands behind Sungjong and looks at the scans. He makes occasional sounds-wonder, or surprise, maybe. Eventually, Sunggyu snaps, "Either explain what you're oh-ing at or shut up," and then it's Sungjong's turn to look reproachful.
"Hyung," he says. "That's not helpful."
Sunggyu's lips press together into a tight line, but he falls silent. Minki doesn't make any more sounds, but when the scan is done, there's a line on his forehead, right between his eyes. Sungjong's expression is the same. "I don't like it," he says, bending close to the screen.
"What," Sunggyu says. He's tense. Woohyun doesn't blame him.
"I can't figure out what they did," Sungjong says, which is not the outcome they wanted. "But they… did something really weird to his prefrontal cortex and limbic system." He glances up, sees three pairs of eyes looking at him as though he's speaking another language. "Um, that's basically the part of his brain responsible for emotions and self-control. A lot of other things too, but those are the things he seems to be having trouble with."
Woohyun resists the urge to say something like clearly. He makes jokes when he's nervous, when he's scared-and right now, he's terrified. "So what does that mean?" he asks. "Can you fix it?"
"I can't fix it without knowing what they did," Sungjong says. "And-I…" He falls silent, biting his lip. Woohyun thinks of the other day, the moment when Sungjong had looked so young. He looks younger, now, and even more uncertain. "I'm good at-fixing injuries and making sure nobody dies from head wounds, but-I'm not a brain surgeon, hyung, I can't… I can't just cut his head open and fix things, okay? I'm not that good."
Sunggyu doesn't say anything. He can't, Woohyun thinks. This had been their only hope, in a sense-their only chance to find out what they had done to Dongwoo, and whether it could be fixed. To find out that it can't is a blow, and Sunggyu is disappointed-Woohyun can read it in the line of his back, and the way he can't quite look at Sungjong. But it's not Sungjong's fault. "It's fine, Sungjongie," Woohyun says after an uncomfortable, tense pause. "We're not expecting you to work more miracles than you already do."
Sungjong just looks up at him, so raw and unsure and pleading. "I'm sorry, hyung," he says.
Woohyun reaches out and gently ruffles Sungjong's hair. "Don't be sorry," he says, nudging Sungjong under the chin to get him to meet Woohyun's eyes. "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault, okay?"
He wishes that Sungjong would believe him, but Woohyun can tell by the look in Sungjong's eyes that he doesn't.
Woohyun finds Sunggyu in the room he used to share with Dongwoo, sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at his hands. It's dark in the room, so the light from the hallway throws Sunggyu into sharp relief: the tense line of his mouth, the way he picks at a hangnail on one thumb. "Hey," Woohyun says, knocking on the doorframe. "Can we talk?"
The only response Woohyun receives is a shrug, but he takes that as a yes, anyway. He comes into the room and closes the door behind him, leaving them in darkness-contemplates turning on the light, but doesn't. Instead, he just sits on the bed next to Sunggyu. "You can't take it out on Sungjong," he says. "It's not his fault he can't fix everything."
"Is this what you wanted to talk about?" Sunggyu asks. His voice is very sharp, but it's been a long time since Woohyun let that stop him. "My failings as a leader?"
"No," Woohyun says, which is true. "That was an opener. It just also happens to be true."
For a moment, he thinks Sunggyu is going to fight. The Sunggyu he used to know would fight him to the death, just on principle. But this Sunggyu-the Sunggyu who's hurt and broken and always tired-just sighs and bites a fingernail. "I know," he says. "It's not his fault. It's just."
Just. Woohyun knows. Just that someone Sunggyu loves more than anything in the universe has been badly damaged by something Sunggyu can't control. He gets it.
"I know," Woohyun says. He reaches out and puts his hand on Sunggyu's forearm, just above his wrist. Sunggyu's skin is warm under his fingers. "But he's just a kid, hyung. And he wants us to love him. I don't think he's figured out that he doesn't have to fix all of your problems to earn that from you."
They had found Sungjong in the wreckage of a destroyed house in the slums on the edge of the city, fifteen years old, delicate and afraid. Sunggyu had been his sister's friend, or whatever you call the person they call when you die-and when she had been killed, Sungjong became Sunggyu's responsibility.
It must be a heavy weight, Woohyun thinks, the knowledge that Sungjong had never really been invited. And Sunggyu has never been that good at emotions.
In the present, Sunggyu winces, his fingers clenching. "I know," he says. "I was just hoping, I guess. Foolishly."
"We were all hoping."
"Not like I was."
The words, and the meanings behind them, sink into Woohyun's skin and tattoo themselves on the insides of his ribcage. Every time he thinks he understands the scope of Sunggyu's love for Dongwoo, it takes him by surprise all over again. "I know," he says.
Sunggyu looks up, meets his eyes. For a moment, Woohyun forgets how to inhale. In the dark of the room, Sunggyu's eyes are still very bright-Woohyun always forgets how much light they can hold. He wonders how Dongwoo felt when he saw Sunggyu like this, if Dongwoo ever got used to it. Woohyun doesn't think he could-he thinks that seeing Sunggyu's eyes, bright in the darkness, would leave him breathless every time.
Sunggyu exhales harshly, and the moment is broken. "When did this happen?" he asks, pulling his arm out of Woohyun's grasp. "When did you become a better leader than I am?"
The words are probably meant to be a joke-or at least Sunggyu's version of one. But they make Woohyun recoil as strongly as if they had been physical. "I could never be half the leader you are," he says. His voice is perhaps a little too harsh, but Woohyun can't help it. "Don't say that."
The darkness hides Sunggyu's expression when he turns to look back at Woohyun. If he tried, Woohyun could probably make it out, but he's not sure he wants to. "Go to sleep, Woohyun-ah," he says, patting Woohyun's knee. "We'll figure this out in the morning."
It's a dismissal. Sunggyu has never been very subtle. "Goodnight, hyung," Woohyun says, and closes the door behind him when he goes.
part one | part two | part three