(no subject)

[myemohartbleeds]

I think I may just start writing in here again, not to update people on my oh so fascinating life, but more for my own mental health. That sounds a touch too dramatic, but lately instead of writing in here or in an actual journal I have been composing wild rambling rants in my mind. And It gets to the point where I just think too much and that makes my mind hurt...or something. I feel listless, bored, restless, uninterested and any other unsavory word that comes to mind. I don't know what i'm getting at here just that I wish I would have applied somewhere else for next year. I've been spending so much time convincing myself that school is all what I make of it. But I know for a fact that I'm not getting what I want out of my educational experience at the fine establishment of pennsylvania state university, beaver branch campus. I look around and find that all the people I have always criticized for not trying to make something of themselves and are satisfied with just settling are really no different than me. It's like how you hate someone because they reflect your own flaws. For the last year or two I havent even been trying. I haven't done one thing to try and get what I want out of life. I've gone around blaming others for my unhappiness when the truth is i haven't even sat down and thought to myself, what do I want out of life? It's like I told someone the other day "I want to write" and they said "why?" and I had nothing to say. Not one god-damned thing. How have I been walking around stating so definitively that I want to write when I can't even tell someone what compels me to feel that I have any reason to want this. I know that this may not make sense considering the fact that I want to be a writer, but I feel at times that I just can not express myself. Maybe this is just me letting self-doubt get the best of me. Either way nothing in life, nothing worthwhile anyways, come easily. If this is what I want in life I better damn well figure out why, and after that stop putting off even trying.

And sure this can all be viewed as me just whining over the internet...and maybe that's all it is. Regardless of that fact I think writing out what I'm thinking helps.