(no subject)

[mydeepdesire]

this morning i was 190.5
which sucks
so i drank some coffee and now it's almost two o'clock
and i've gone down to 188.5 which is great
i ate a lot yesterday
i got really stoned and i ate a lot of grapes and an apple
so that's why i went back up
well i am down to 188.5 so all i hafta do it not eat

i am debating on whether or not i should eat an apple and go to the gym before my friends house, or just stay home and not eat anything...
i havent gone to the gym in almost two weeks. but i've also lost a lot of weight too
but it's because i'm hardly eating
the only time i eat really is if i feel too light headed to drive
or if i'm stoned and i've got bad munchies

but wtf, i'm at 188.5
if i eat i will go back up
i don't deserve to eat
i don't even deserve it. i'm so fat it's horrible.

i remember when i was happy to see 202...201...200...199!!!!
and now if i ever saw it again i would just die. i hate to see 190 or 190.5
i want to see 185....180....175.......170.......
...........
........
...................................150?.....140?
130???...........120?!?!? impossible..

if i eat i will go back up a pound or half a pound
i can't let it happen
no no no i have tobe strong
more coffee
more water...
more laxatives..

i'm making progress. i need to keep going.