Another day ends...
Well, I just finished another incredibly depressing anime. X/1999, or just X, whichever you want to call it.
I have no idea how I feel about the ending.
It's sad, but it doesn't make me feel sad in the way these kinds of things usually do. It makes me feel... empty. Wounded. I'm not going to keep this a secret; I get very invested in fictional stories and characters, on a very personal level. Other people say they understand, but I don't think they do. Maybe some do, but if so I don't think I've ever met them.
I finished X at maybe three or four in the morning. I didn't sleep, afterwards. It wasn't that I couldn't sleep; I just didn't. I wasn't even that terribly upset. The ending was sad, yes, very much so, and though I cried a lot at the end of the second to last episode, for reasons anyone who's seen it will know, I didn't cry at all when it came to the very end. I wasn't even upset, not... really. I was numb. And I could've slept if I'd wanted to, I just... didn't want to. I didn't have much of a will to do anything, actually. It was like my soul had been drained and I hadn't quite managed to recover yet. Still haven't, actually. I wasn't even able to muster the will to let go and let myself sleep until almost twelve hours later, in the middle of the afternoon.
I think part of it is that, with this anime, I really wanted it to end a certain way. I really, really did. And with other anime I've seen, this simply hasn't been the case. I've had times when I would've liked a specific ending, but I'm usually not nearly this set on it. I mean, yeah, sometimes I get really invested in a character and will get very worried if it looks like they're going to die or something, but that's more about being invested in the particular character, not the ending itself, if that makes any sense. And usually those end the way I want them to, anyway.
This one didn't.
It just... didn't. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't watched it, but there was a particular... wish, I guess you could say, that a character had, that I wanted desperately to come true, and though it kind of did... it didn't happen the way I wanted it to, and the way it did happen was painful. It required sacrifice that I didn't expect, and it... it was... I don't know. It just left me numb and I don't know why.
I am debating reading the manga, which has been on hiatus practically forever, just because it hasn't ended yet. There's still a chance that it won't end... that way.
So anyway, on a different and significantly less depressing subject, WHY IS THERE NO FUUMA/KAMUI FIC IN THIS FANDOM? THEY ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS. WHY DO THEY HAVE NO FIC. DOES NOT COMPUTE.
I mean, there is some fic, but not nearly the amount I'd expect from such an obvious pairing. I think it's because the whole fandom is very hung up on Seishirou/Subaru. And while I like and enjoy reading fic of that pairing too, can we please be having a bit more Fuuma/Kamui? Pretty please? With apocalyptic angst on top?
Blah. I've actually been debating writing a bit of fic myself, but His Majesty Mr. Bitchypants (AKA Kamui) won't cooperate. I just can't seem to get him down on the page in any way that makes sense. With luck I could maybe write some drabbles, but an actual oneshot, with like, some kind of plot? Pah. Be serious.
I do quite like his character, though, even if he is a bitch to write. I mean, yeah, he spent the first ten or so episodes having no personality other than I AM BITCHY AND PEOPLE SUCK, but that was all kind of explained in the end so that's okay. And I like the whole struggle-against-destiny concept, too. I personally loathe the idea of destiny. I do not like being told what to do. I do not like feeling powerless to change anything. And I especially do not like the defeatist mentally that comes with the idea of destiny. That "there was nothing I could do, it was destiny, it was pre-ordained, why try because you cannot change the future" bullshit. I don't like it. I won't believe in it. Lucky for me, Kamui is kind of the same way, which makes the whole doom-and-gloom-end-of-the-world thing much more tolerable.
So, um. In conclusion. Watch X only if you don't mind being a bit depressed when it's all over. And if you have my kind of personality, the kind that causes you to become overly invested in fictional beings to the point of insanity, almost... well, just be prepared.
I have no idea how I feel about the ending.
It's sad, but it doesn't make me feel sad in the way these kinds of things usually do. It makes me feel... empty. Wounded. I'm not going to keep this a secret; I get very invested in fictional stories and characters, on a very personal level. Other people say they understand, but I don't think they do. Maybe some do, but if so I don't think I've ever met them.
I finished X at maybe three or four in the morning. I didn't sleep, afterwards. It wasn't that I couldn't sleep; I just didn't. I wasn't even that terribly upset. The ending was sad, yes, very much so, and though I cried a lot at the end of the second to last episode, for reasons anyone who's seen it will know, I didn't cry at all when it came to the very end. I wasn't even upset, not... really. I was numb. And I could've slept if I'd wanted to, I just... didn't want to. I didn't have much of a will to do anything, actually. It was like my soul had been drained and I hadn't quite managed to recover yet. Still haven't, actually. I wasn't even able to muster the will to let go and let myself sleep until almost twelve hours later, in the middle of the afternoon.
I think part of it is that, with this anime, I really wanted it to end a certain way. I really, really did. And with other anime I've seen, this simply hasn't been the case. I've had times when I would've liked a specific ending, but I'm usually not nearly this set on it. I mean, yeah, sometimes I get really invested in a character and will get very worried if it looks like they're going to die or something, but that's more about being invested in the particular character, not the ending itself, if that makes any sense. And usually those end the way I want them to, anyway.
This one didn't.
It just... didn't. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't watched it, but there was a particular... wish, I guess you could say, that a character had, that I wanted desperately to come true, and though it kind of did... it didn't happen the way I wanted it to, and the way it did happen was painful. It required sacrifice that I didn't expect, and it... it was... I don't know. It just left me numb and I don't know why.
I am debating reading the manga, which has been on hiatus practically forever, just because it hasn't ended yet. There's still a chance that it won't end... that way.
So anyway, on a different and significantly less depressing subject, WHY IS THERE NO FUUMA/KAMUI FIC IN THIS FANDOM? THEY ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS. WHY DO THEY HAVE NO FIC. DOES NOT COMPUTE.
I mean, there is some fic, but not nearly the amount I'd expect from such an obvious pairing. I think it's because the whole fandom is very hung up on Seishirou/Subaru. And while I like and enjoy reading fic of that pairing too, can we please be having a bit more Fuuma/Kamui? Pretty please? With apocalyptic angst on top?
Blah. I've actually been debating writing a bit of fic myself, but His Majesty Mr. Bitchypants (AKA Kamui) won't cooperate. I just can't seem to get him down on the page in any way that makes sense. With luck I could maybe write some drabbles, but an actual oneshot, with like, some kind of plot? Pah. Be serious.
I do quite like his character, though, even if he is a bitch to write. I mean, yeah, he spent the first ten or so episodes having no personality other than I AM BITCHY AND PEOPLE SUCK, but that was all kind of explained in the end so that's okay. And I like the whole struggle-against-destiny concept, too. I personally loathe the idea of destiny. I do not like being told what to do. I do not like feeling powerless to change anything. And I especially do not like the defeatist mentally that comes with the idea of destiny. That "there was nothing I could do, it was destiny, it was pre-ordained, why try because you cannot change the future" bullshit. I don't like it. I won't believe in it. Lucky for me, Kamui is kind of the same way, which makes the whole doom-and-gloom-end-of-the-world thing much more tolerable.
So, um. In conclusion. Watch X only if you don't mind being a bit depressed when it's all over. And if you have my kind of personality, the kind that causes you to become overly invested in fictional beings to the point of insanity, almost... well, just be prepared.