(no subject)
I walk past emotions to keep from falling off the line.
Below the line, the beam, the bridge, whatever it is.
Is everyone else and what I've thought they would be.
When I'm alone
now
I am aching not to cry
or step on sharp things
purposefully
I don't hold hot pans
or watch Charlie Kaufman films
or drink whiskey by myself.
I drone on in my head
soft beaten mantras
to continue to love to continue to love to continue to love
me
but I keep wanting to cry
to eat ice cream
to get drunk and scream and get hysterical because something inside there is a ball of hair and metal wire, it is something hysterical and I need to cough it up and if it comes out when I'm screaming at the empty space in the corner of my bedroom where you used to be then why the fuck can't I, why the fuck can't I
Because my paranoia of dulling my pain refuses me from what I need to do
Because this pain could never happen to anybody else, this is unlike anything else
because because because I keep it to myself and hold my unbeaten heart so close
It can't stand to know it loves just like everybody else
so it doesn't.
so it doesn't.
so it doesn't
I need to sleep
so it doesn't
But I have dreams
where I'm left alone
by family and lovers and friends
so it doesn't
so it doesn't
and I'm surrounded by wild ocelots and mountain lions
protecting me from falling off the beam
but are they
and where are you
so it doesn't
but it aches
when it feels you
falling back into a new routine where i never was
and not looking back
but it beats. Please let it beat
let my muscles be restored please
whatever it takes, throw my heart off the edge
let it fall on grasping hands
and women's magazines and shopping sprees and whatever else I'm supposed to fucking do not to feel this way but I know deep deep down that there is nothing I can ever do but its exhausting, moving on
always moving on
cant I just stop for a second? Cant I ask my heart how it feels for ONE FUCKING SECOND?